There were no banners.
There was no parade.
No cheering throngs of my fans.
You all let me down.
But I can't stay mad at you, not when I have so many stories to tell you! Gather 'round kids!
First, let me set the tone with something that made me laugh every time I passed a little stand that sold drinks/cigs/gum/etc.
THIS HAS TO BE POSEIDON'S FAVORITE GUM, RIGHT!? RIGHT!!??
So after many laughs at my high level humor take on things, I managed to have many adventures. It didn't take long once I closed the door to my house and got into the Deathtrap- Mobile (DTM) before the adventures began.
***DISCLOSURE***
Because I am not.
Some of my best friends are gypsies?
I call my GPS my Gypsy because I always have to add "why?" to its instructions, why not add to Y's to GPS and make it funny.
So I get into the Deathtrap-Mobile (DTM) and off I go. Bahrain is very easy - there are essentially 3 vertical highways, and two horizontal ones. The vertical ones all lead to the airport, the horizontal ones allow you to take different vertical ones.
Simplicity itself, really.
The issue is my gypsy is trying to get me killed. Off to the East of Bahrain is a place called Sitra. You will know you're in Sitra from one of two ways:
1 - You will see signs
2 - You will see riot police and armored vehicles covered in paint and burn marks.
At ten at night on a Thursday, (don't forget Thursday is the Friday here) they do mandatory checkpoints and let's just say I stand out in a crowd. I wasn't trying to get rioted on or have anything go to chance like a roadblock, so I decide to go up the middle road. A little longer, but meh...I have time.
So I take the middle road.
Slowly, silently, there begins a recalculation. Unbeknown to me my gypsy was taking me to Riotsville, Bahrain.
I am happily driving along and notice I am heading towards Sitra again. Oh nooooo you don't! I turn left and continue on.
The computer silently snoots its nose at me and begins the quiet recalculation again.
I see that again we are being led into Sitra.
NO, GYPSY! BAD! THAT'S A BAD GYPSY!
I have but one hope! I follow the signs to the airport! Yes! They will clearly lead me to...
...to...
...where the fuck am I?
Between the signs here and the hateful gypsy in my car I managed to drive on every rood in this country on my way to the airport.
I visited every souk.
I almost ran over every Indian guy on a bike who crosses the street with reckless abandon.
I saw it all.
It was at one point where someone parked in a small roundabout and left everyone else trapped that I finally snapped like a twig.
"FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING GYPSY!"
Ryan learned an important lesson about cursing in English on a late Thursday night while in a small neighborhood souk in Bahrain which is full of people: Don't.
After some work and some sweat I finally cleared the...I don't know, it wasn't an accident, but it did the same thing...a purposedent?...and I made it to the airport.
It was then I discovered this at Bahrain International Airport:
And I knew in my heart of hearts, it would all be okay from here on out...
Look at this!
It looks like it is going to be a total miss. The last "Irish Bar" I went to in Bahrain had 3 guys in tight underwear and fireman suspenders singing N'Sync on a stage for hours. The"Authentic Irish" decor was plastic chairs painted with wood stain. I have had bad experiences in Irish Bars here.
But let me tell you. This place was dark, depressing, and it smelled awful. There were one or two broken souls at the bar, the beer wasn't very cold, and the decorations would have made a blind man cringe.
IT WAS PERFECT.
Okay, good start. I walk towards my gate and it occurs to me the airport is somewhat empty. Where could everyone be?
Say hello, everyone. This is the "smoking room" in BAH.
Smoking here is cheap and easy. A lot of people do it. A lot. So they make rooms for people to enjoy a cig or two before their long flight. However, I think they vastly underestimated the number of people that would be using this room. You can't see but there is a lady with a giant shoehorn just out of frame to help wedge more people in if needed.
But I can't be stopped to contemplate this phenomenon, I have a plane to catch!
Off to Abu Dhabi!
What I think of ever time i hear Abu Dhabi...
Abu Dhabi is a fun place. It is so large an airport, you get off onto the tarmac, and they bus you to the gate while you wait out your layover. All good.
However, the problem lies in that you have to take a bus to get to your plane. Which means you have to be at the gate an extra half hour early.
I did not know this.
I was right by the gate reading, and my first inclination something was wrong was when a guy in a suit ran past me saying "THERE SHOULD BE ONE MORE GOING TO ATHENS!"
I don't mean to brag but I was the only one there at 3 am for a few gates in either direction. They could have just tapped me on the shoulder.
But I caught the Last Train to Clarksville and was happily on my way to Athens.
Landed at 7 AM, cleared customs, and was on the X95 to Syntagma Square by 7:10 AM. 5 Euro and off I went to the center of Athens. How exciting!
An hour later I get off the bus and am faced with the morning work zombies, but the very first thing I took a photo of in the city as old as written history was this:
HEHEHEHE FLAT DOG FLAT DOG FLAT DOG!
Now that I had taken the artsy photos, I decided to actually forgo all the planning I had done - the walking a certain path an seeing some things, using a map, etc - and do what I usually do when I don't know what to do.
I just wander off. So I knew I had to start from the southwest corner to get to my first stop: The Acropolis. I wanted to get there before the crowds. So I start walking.
The signs were in Greek.
The language was in Greek.
Even the people were in Greek.
A little intimidating but I think I got this. So I keep walking and walking, but it looks like a city. One that gave every person a can of spray paint and said "Just go for it! Have some fun!"
But then I saw it. Between two 6 story lines of building, down an alley to the south...
Now, maybe you can't see it - the photo doesn't do it full justice...lemme zoom that thing for ya...
That, my eager Philistines, is one of the three entrances to the Erechtheion. And no, I didn't really know that until after I got there. I was all "OOOO PRETTY ROCK BUILDINGS!" for a while.
But this couldn't have put any more pep in my step if it had tried. And while that was a very lame thing to just type, I mean it. I sped up, anticipation building. About to see the things that had captured my memories since I was a boy, if I can remember such a time.
I made a quick stop at the Areopagus because I made a wrong turn, and got a beautiful view of the modern Athens:
Met an American couple and took their picture but I think my finger is in the shot as well.
I am awesome at stuff.
Okay, great view and I was almost directly under the Temple of Athena Nike on the Acropolis. It was time to make the final climb. I came around one last corner, and saw the sign I had been waiting for...
BUT WHAT DOES IT SAY!?
We know from my Written Arabic Language post that I am a master with the ladies and languages, so this was no problem translating. shitty
It clearly says "EIFFEL TOWER TO THE LEFT"
I got this. Psh. Navigating solo is no problem for me.
So, after one more wrong turn I finally made it. I won't bore you with all the pictures, I took so many my fingers hurt. I visited the Areopagus, the Acropolis which included the Parthenon, the Propylaea, the Momument to Agrippa, the Erechtheion, and a few other smaller buildings, then I visited the Roman and Ancient Agora, the Keremikos Cemetery, a few city ruins I couldn't readily identify, and then the New Acropolis Museum.
You can see all of my pictures and videos here*
*This one is just day 1 at Athens, I don't want to spoil everything for you. The others two days will get their own albums.
I will share a few, just so you don't think I am making all this up since there is NO way I could have gotten these from the Internets. Nope. Despite it all, I did take some good shots, so here are just a few:
The Caryatids of the Erichteion
Parthenon, South Ediface
Parthenon, East Ediface
Seriously, though. It was an amazing site through and through. It was everything I needed it to be, and possibly a bit more. I was shaking my head and laughing to myself for the rest of the day.
I spent an hour up there with my notes and my bootleg audio tour that um...fell off the back of a truck... It was amazing. Simply amazing. The other sites I visited were just as impressive in their own right. Though it is tough to compete with the Parthenon for its grandiose size and stature, there were plenty of interesting stories and ruins left to explore.
A few shots from my other explorations:
Carving from the original Stoa of Attilos
Temple of Hephestus
I couldn't resist a good Pompeion
I was yelled at for being too inside the Pompeion of Hadrian. It must have been a great offense, as the the German team excavating seemed stern and glaring, which is rare for Germans.
My favorite site to shoot was the Temple of the Olympian Zeus:
The Temple from the Acropolis
Column down everyone, just a few pillars...
This column was knocked down in a storm a while ago.
One of my favorite shots from the whole trip. I will wait for my awards.
A great day. I find my hotel by the grace of the gods - it was difficult to find because it was located between two dark alleys and had dumpsters in front from renovations to a nearby building. The hotel itself was beautiful, and the price was very fair. But holy shit guys, maybe put out a bigger sign than this:
I don't know how I couldn't find this place right away since I came from the bottom of the hill you see right in front of you. That sign is only visible from distances less than 7 feet.
Wow. I actually am staying at a nice place!
Around 6 PM I decided to head out in search of adventure. Earlier that day, and older man grabbed me by the arm and started talking to me in Greek. I nodded and laughed and did everything right, but he wouldn't go away. Eventually I told him "English?" and he lit up like a Christmas tree. Turns out his name is George. BUT! Of course it isn't that simple. He wants me to call him Mike after his brother, who has passed on. In fact, his parents and all 3 of his brothers have passed on. He is going slowly blind from cataracts and his wife is taking all of his money. I know all about Geor...Mike...
Naturally we found a bar after I listened to his tale of woe.
There I met Nicoletta and her boss, a guy who was only referred to by her as "The fat one."
We had some Ouzo and he went off. I felt bad for him, but he seemed like a drink and some company was good for him. I told him to come back later as I would be returning.
Fast forward back to 6 PM that night and my search for some fun. I return to The Hunter bar near the New Acropolis Museum with Nicolette and The Fat One. They are the only people I "know" in Greece so I figured I would hang out. Nicoletta speaks very good English, The Fat one does very well also. I honestly had an amazing time - I am aware that it is a business and I have tourist money, but this was worth the money just for the company. We all got on very well. We trade stories and language tips until everything changed...
I was unaware that something so small could make such a difference.
Small packages sometimes carry the biggest bombs, perhaps?
In walked all 5'2" of smile ear-to-ear Umberto.
He works in Dubai, but was born in Greece. Now, his Aunt is 52 and he is 48, and he is very happy. He has a girlfriend and he loves her very much, and she loves him. His sister has a family and his momma is healthy and proud of him. He wants to go to Italy, but Dubai is better for interior decorators like him. He knows Bahrain, of course he does. It is no Dubai, though.
He is a very happy man. I know everything about Geor...Mike...Nicoletta, The Fat One, and now, Umberto.
Ouzo flows and it is late. I have a 7 AM bus to Delphi to catch in the morning, so I tell them I am leaving. Umberto says he wants to have one more drink at this place he knows, real close.
I am wary as "right down the road" often means you'll die of exhaustion before you get there, but I didn't want to offend and Nicoletta sent us off with a smile. It was very close. A small shop, maybe 15 feet wide. A big purple facade with a wine glass on it.
Okay, sure.
We walk in and it is empty. I mean emp-tee. We sit at the back of the place, on these leather couches and Umberto orders a wine and I have a whiskey. 10 Euro, but just one drink. Umberto wanders off downstairs to the bathroom and I stand and go to the bar. I am the only one in there except the old bartender. I will now refer to him as a "pimp" because of what happens next.
**clink**clink**
Two clinks rang out in the night. The sound of champagne flutes being set on either side of me.
This scared me a bit because, as you remember...I AM THE ONLY GODDAMN ONE IN HERE OTHER THAN THE PIMP.
Terrifying.
To my right is a platinum blond frump with a bowl cut. To my left is what I believe to be a platinum blond polish girl with the need for a dentist.
Trapped. I still, to this day, have no damn clue where they came from. Melted from the walls, perhaps? Created when someone dropped bleach on the floor maybe?
Who knows?
I began to see what was going on, but I wasn't 100%. I have never been to a brothel. I don't even like strip clubs. It is fake and fake doesn't do anything for me - like too much makeup. Apparently the whole time, as I would find out later, everyone knew Umberto was taking me to a brothel. Never once did I hear a buzzword that would indicate this, but I will leave Nicoletta's explanation for my Delphi blog since she explained it on Day 2.
This blonde, polish faced girl asked me a few questions and kept saying my answers were "so interesting." She is a liar, and I am not certain she is even listening or understanding what I am saying. So the scientist in me wants to test my theory. Umberto and the bowl cut went off to their little couch, and I was left with BPF at the bar. This is how the end of the conversation went:
Blond Pole Face: So why did you come to Athens? Is it work?
Me: Vacation.
BPF: That is so interesting!
Me: No it isn't.
BPF: Tell me more, please.
Me: Nope, that's it. Vacation.
BPF: You are so blunt. That is SO interesting.
Me; No, it really isn't. Are you working right now? As in, are you trying to get me to pay for sex with you? Because that will never happen.
BPF: I can work for you.
Me: Yes, well...no. I don't want that. Did I buy those drinks for you and your friend?
BPF: Yes. **gulps it down in one drink** And you can buy me more.
Me: No I can't. I can't afford you, and if I could I would rather buy a really nice coat. Even an "okay" coat, if I am being honest. I would just throw the rest of the money away.
BPF: Let's talk about your coats. Buy me a drink.
Me: Are you even listeni...Really? Nope. Still no.
BPF: Well, can we talk about maybe me working for you? All this talk about me working for you makes me really want a drink.
Me: There will be no work. None. You would be a terrible employee. I want my check and I think it is time I go.
BPF: Before you get your check, why don't you buy me a dri-
Me: ARE YOU A MACHINE!? DO YOU NEED MAINTENENCE!? Really, are you stuck on repeat? No more drinks! Check please!
**Pimp hands me the check**
Here is what I saw:
Whiskey - 10 Euro (okay, fine)
2 Champagne - 20 euro each (WTF!?) - 40 Euro
Wine - 10 Euro
Total: 60 Euro
I ordered one drink. One.
So apparently what happened was Umberto went downstairs to the restroom and that must be where their lair is? I don't know. Whatever it was, he later explained he met the two of them and offered them a drink. So that is how I bought my drink, his wine, and two glasses of very expensive champagne.
I didn't have 40 Euro. I have maybe 15-20 at this point. I leave most at the hotel in case a BPF and a pimp try to rob me.
The BPF suggests we go to my place and get more money.
Cold day in hell, BPF...Cold. Day. In. Hell.
Now I just told you I would rather have an "okay" coat than have you anywhere near me...but let me guess...that shit is so interesting as well? Pushy sales people piss me off.
Thank goodness for Pimp - he was gracious enough to offer me another solution:
These two giant guys in black leather coats are going to walk me to the ATM.
Now, I got burned and I was a fool to let it go there. But honestly, 50 Euro (I don't count the 10 for my whiskey, I ordered that one) is a cheaper lesson than it could have been. By the end of the block I have the two goons laughing at my jokes while I made fun of myself, little Umberto, and the bowl cut blond, so it wasn't like you see in the movies - though they would have probably beat me pretty bad had I not gotten the money. When we got back I shook their hands and they slapped my on the back, said goodbye, and went inside, I steamed off to The Hunter where Nicoletta and The Fat one were eating. They both thought I was a riot for not knowing it was a brothel. Looking back, it really was. But then I was mad at Umberto so I trudged off home.
After an hour I started laughing in my hotel room overlooking the Acropolis. 15 hours ago I was in Abu Dhabi, and now I had seen ancient ruins that inspired me, ate souvlaki that also inspired me, met great Geor...Mike and Nicoletta , The Fat One and Umberto the very lucky man,I had found a good bar to muscle up to at night where I felt safe, almost got a hooker by accident, and been threatened by a pimp and his goons.
I wish I had taken pictures! The memory alone is worth 50 Euro. And I would never see Umberto again. Or so I thought...
I apologize for the length of this one, but so much happened.
That was Day 1 of my Greece trip: Athens. Tomorrow you will get Delphi, the Canadian in Israel, the NO ENGLISH hand waving cabbie from hell, as well as part two of Umberto and his idea of a good time.
