I just executed 30 monsters. Minotaur, Centaurs, Gorgons, Harpies, you name it.
All dead.
I collected their red orbs.
I can feel the game level building up to a perfect crescendo as I jump and stab and shoot more monsters with bolts of lightning bestowed upon me by Zeus himself.
My name is Kratos. I am on my way to kill the god of war, Ares.
I climb the ladder to the top of the statue of Hades, some 200 meters tall, and gaze into the abyss.
Sometimes, when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back into you.
And sometimes, the damn game makers decide to put 300 feet of skinny beams you have to walk across.
God of Balance
Now, I understand the insertion of puzzles into a game like this. It can't be non-stop slaughter. People will get bored button smashing. But to put in several parts of the game where you have to balance on a beam that you fall off of even when standing still seems like the game designers were just being a bunch of dicks.
A bag of dicks, even.
And, I did a little legwork on this one and apparently I am not alone...
This may rival that level in Battle Toads.........
This kind of backwater BS is what drives me to drink. Haha, no just kidding. I do that for fun. But really - the whole game is built around killing gods and monsters - smashing walls and leveling up your purple fire sword you picked up from Artemis out of nowhere.
And then, in the middle of all that action and excitement you put in a balance beam?
Oh, and as if killing the momentum and purposefully frustrating players wasn't enough fun for you, you had to insert spinning blades of death on the beam...so we have to not only navigate the beam but also the blades? If we fall we have to start all over no matter our progress?
You jerks.
Now, I get the skill they were trying to get the player to perform. But really...this game is called God of War. If I wanted to hone my balance skills I would just get Wii Fit and be called obese by that damn machine every day.
We meet again, you skinny bitch...
At least put in an option to skip it. This is an older game I got on a re-release. I am not here to be a part of the cutting edge, (HIGH FIVE FOR A SPINNING BLADES OF BALANCING DEATH JOKE) of the tech world. I just wanted to re-play a game that I enjoyed playing before.
But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Le sigh...
So, I did what any mid-30's adult mature male would do...
I threw a hissy fit and went to bed.
Then, the next day, I didn't even try. I just put on God of War 2. There will be no balance beams in this one after the outcry from the last one I bet! There...
There...
Really? On the first level?
You bastards.
A guy like this should not require hitting R2 as fast as you can to open a door...he just ripped the wings off of a Griffin and then used them to beat Medusa to death...
But that frustration was going to pale, (HIGH FIVE FOR THE KRATOS JOKE!) in comparison to what the ol' real life had in store...
My friend from Australia, the one who accidentally visited a mosque with me, well it was time for them to head on home. An hour to Dubai with a layover, and then about 13 hours back to Syndey.
Ewwwwww.
But still, it was time to go home.
Plane leaves at 5:50 PM, so we left at about 3:30 PM. Bahrain has a stellar fast airport. I would say "International Airport" but there are no domestic flights in Bahrain. If you get on a plane, you're leaving the country.
All there is to it.
So the airport is about 20 minutes away, (haha) but we should still get there with plenty of time to spare.
What could POSSIBLY go wrong...???
A stalled truck and Bahrain's SUV Riot Police.
Duh.
So we leave on time, and get on to the highway easily. So far, so good.
First roundabout is a little heavy on traffic, but it moves well enough. At the second one I became more concerned - this was definitely a little heavier traffic than normal. I had the choice of taking the long way to the airport, or just head right up through Sitra.
Sitra shouldn't be crowded...there isn't anything there and the traffic from the industrial bits doesn't pick up for a bit.
"Let's just do that," I instantly regretted thinking to myself.
After a short way it became apparent that I had chosen...poorly.
You have chosen...wisely.
I have already covered the traffic in this country.
I have mentioned the fact that in order to get somewhere you usually have to drive 10 kilometers past it to find a place to turn around.
I have certainly said that drivers are aggressive and the traffic laws are basic suggestions, at best.
This is a perfect example of that.
The traffic slows to a stop. Then a crawl. Then a stop. Then a stagger, crawl crawl, stagger...
Misspent youth? Not even close...
Traffic was stopped. People were driving...well, I would say "on the shoulder" but they were driving on the shoulder's shoulder's shoulder's shoulder. They went through the sand and through shop parking lots and right past the SUV police who seemed amused by it all.
I wanted to do that, but I was stuck in the far left lane and couldn't get right!
Cars were nose to tail and there is no mercy on the highways here. I couldn't do a U-Turn as the curb to my left was about 2 feet tall...and I feel like I am pushing my luck with the Deathtrap Mobile, (DTM) just by sitting in it, let alone trying to four wheel in the desert over a curb. The next turn around was about 2 kilometers away, but when your average speed is 0 km/hr that can take a while.
An hour later we had covered about 1.5 kilometers. No place to turn. No way to move.
I don't handle traffic well to start - and missing this flight was going to be an expensive mistake.
This joke cannot be improved.
At 4:40 we passed the cause of it all. A truck, broken down in the rightmost of the 3 lane highway we were on was causing the ruckus. This seemed a bit mild to have caused this kind of backup, until we were then passed by the lovely Bahrain armored vehicles as they cruised the dirt and sand around the only turn off in Sitra. They had SUV cops blocking the road in and out of Sitra itself...and to make things better they had big yellow concrete riot blockades set up.
It was still daylight. Why they were set up for action, I have no idea.
Why they were watching as cars drove onto the sand around them occasionally is a mystery.
Why they decided to shut down a major road for a broken down truck I will never know.
They know their stuff, so I won't complain. I would imagine they have dealt with more riots than I have.
However, this did cost my friend their trip home. An expensive mistake.
We turned tail and headed home to shawarma delivery and God of War 2 like a bunch of grownups. The flights are rescheduled and all is well, but I don't like missing appointments and I really don't like traffic.
Hello? Yes. You'll have to speak up I am riding a camel...
The good news is, while writing this I got a call that they are bringing a new stove to my villa to replace the one that got cooked, (NO, YOU'RE ON FIRE WITH THESE JOKES!)
So now I will continue to get pre-made food and getting take out...but I will at least be doing it with a stove that works.
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