I already have a mom, thank you 4/28/2015

I had to go to the dentist.

I don't have fond memories of my last dentist.

After sanding down the wrong tooth, then ruining and eventually having to remove the right one, he quietly closed up shop and vanished.

Now I know, it is the same old story.

Man meets dentist, man pays dentist, dentist removes mans favorite tooth because he sucks at his job, man gets mad and goes back, dentist has vanished into the night.

You've probably heard that old tale a million times...

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

So what is it about dentists in general that I dislike?

The smell?  Nah.  With all the places I have traveled the and the odors I have sniffed, the smell of my own skull being drilled out by a shaky handed unqualified quack doesn't really bother me so much.

Perhaps it is the waiting room?

I don't think so.  Just because I can read the same issue of TIME that my father's father's father read at the same office 70 years ago doesn't really annoy me.

Just because the magazines were actually written during the Dust Bowl...the fact they were actually chiseled during the eruption in Pompeii in 79 AD...the truth that some were even grunted during harnessing the power of fire doesn't make them any less entertaining.  

Besides, you can pass these same tattered scraps of parchment on to your kids and their kids until all that is left on the small table in the dentist's office is a pile of dust which will never be cleaned.

The waiting room often is a gallery of questionable characters. (Not you - you're perfectly normal)  I will admit it is annoying to see the guy or girl who clearly enjoys the experience of going to the dentist because their teeth are fucking perfect.

You know who they are.

Yes, I am aware that turned silly.

Don't blame me - blame Google Images and my amazing search skills.

But these people...er...and dogs and sharks, apparently...all know the dentist is going to high five them for their perfect teeth and brushing habits.  I am certain the scene is much like the dream sequence in A Christmas Story where Ralphie gets an A+++++++++++

You know it's true.

These people walk into the room and the dentist sits in the sweet reclining chair just to admire the chompers on these people.

I hate them.

So what is it?

What makes me dread the dentist?

Maybe I was on to something with my last idea - maybe it is because the rest of us get the opposite treatment of Little Suzy Perfect Face?

If you are like me, you don't have perfect teeth - and the reality of the fact that you can't get to every part of your teeth when you brush or rinse or whatever sets in when you sit in the chair and you hear the dentist let out a soft "sigh" as he or she pokes into your mouth.

You know your teeth need to be cleaned.  

That is why you scheduled a dentist appointment.

That is why the appointment is called "a cleaning".

So what is the problem?

I think it is form the inevitable lecture you know you are about to receive.

LOOK, DOCTOR TOOTH....

- I KNOW I "MISSED SOME SPOTS"

- NO, I DON'T FLOSS REGULARLY.  I KNOW IT SHOWS.  NO, I DON'T PLAN ON STARTING.

- JUST SCRAPE MY TEETH, MAKE ME SPIT IN THAT RIDICULOUS TINY LITTLE SINK, AND MAKE MY TEETH FEEL ALL AWESOME.  THAT IS WHAT I AM PAYING YOU FOR.

I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER WHO LECTURES ME, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE.

DO YOUR JOB, TOOTH FAIRY.

Gah!  I get it!  I am not the perfect tooth protector!  I know I need your help!  That is why I am here!  I don't remember asking the receptionist for a cleaning and a lecture - I am pretty sure I just asked for the cleaning.

Is this free?

You had better not be charging me for this!

Do the opposite of what you are forcing me to do and keep your mouth shut.  If there is something important you need to get across to me, send me a text message.  I know you won't waste time on a lecture there - it would take way too long to type.

I know you guys can send messages - I just looked up some of your shady conversations...

So that must be it.  I don't like the dentist like a lot of people don't like the dentist.  

Maybe they have their own reasons - but I am pretty sure now that I have reflected on the topic, mine is simply that I don't like being lectured by someone who loves mouths so much they decided to enter a profession with an amazingly high suicide rate in order scrape teeth for a living.

If I wanted a lecture, I would call my mother.

She is better at the guilt trip than you will ever be, buddy.  But I do appreciate the effort, dentist.

At my next appointment I will just hum the Jurassic Park theme song when my dentist begins to talk. 

No one can resist joining in on that!