I am not saying it doesn't deserve its own month, but November? Thanksgiving's month?
Really?
Not very subtle, diabetes. At least do April or something when people realize they will be wearing less clothes in the summer and should have probably not taken 3 months off from the gym while enjoying the fact that it is "Buy one-get one Quarter Pounder at McDonalds" all winter.
All I am saying is no one here will pass up another slice of turkey or another ladle of mashed taters because they are aware of diabetes. They may, however, not have that 6th handful of Easter jelly beans if you had your month in April.
Haha no...no they totally still will.
And this will be stuck in my head for at least a week...
But there is another reason I am writing to you, dear reader, today.
We were selling brownies and cakes and cookies next to this healthy living booth, (guess which booth got more business) and finally one of the girls at the BMI booth asks if we want to get out "Diabetes Prediction" read.
No. I don't want you to predict when I will get diabetes.
Now pass me another 6 years off my life expectancy, please...
Why not? Oh I don't know.
Maybe I am shy about giving out my vitals to strange girls in booths?
Maybe I don't want to get whatever healthy cooties you may have?
Or maybe I am tired of being called "Obese" by these tests.
Now, I am not skinny. I will never be skinny. I don't want to be skinny. Like almost every other American I would like to "just lose another ten pounds."
The way it works is, I get on on the scale and get weighed and measured. Then they divide some numbers using the power of witchcraft and guilt trips and come out with "You are obese. Now, try not to eat all the furniture in the lobby on your way out, fatty."
I don't want to be skinny, but being obese is also something I don't want to be.
But then it happens.
It is...unavoidable.
When I say I that I am registered as obese by these tests, someone will inevitably say:
"Yeah, but muscle weighs more than fat."
...
Sigh. First of all, it is okay that I am not ripped like Ah-nald and I have quite a few extra pounds to go around.
I know they are trying to help, but unless I have way more muscle than any mirror or strength test has ever indicated, I earned the title of "Obese" the old fashioned way: McDonalds.
I AM ON A DIET TO JUST QUALIFY AS OVERWEIGHT...WHAT!?
But it is true. Muscle does, in fact, weigh more than fat.
Don't ask where they got it from...don't ask where they got it from...don't ask where they got it from...don't ask...
Weight (HIGH FIVE!) a second!
It is a lie!
Five pounds of muscle weighs just as much as five pounds of fat!
...
That is my usual response to people when they say it and by the time my whirlwind logical runaway train parks back at the station they regret they ever talked to me in the first place.
Feel free to say something that is actually a fact, like "muscle is more dense than fat so less muscle can weigh as much as more fat"
Meh. Not that catchy, after all.
But, according to these charts, I have to lose about 25 pounds just to be fat. I mean they call it overweight, but I know what they mean.
Inspirational...
In order to qualify as "normal" I would have to lose almost 60 pounds.
Well, that means I have to stop going to the gym, because I gain muscle every time I go!
Look!
THIS POOR GIRL IS GETTING SO FAT!
So the general consensus is to ditch the scale and stop weighing yourself. The solution would be to get a tape measure of buy a pair of pants that doesn't fit the way you want and try them on every other week or something.
You know what else weighs more than fat?
Lead.
Maybe that is my problem. I have to get the lead out (HIGH FIVE!)?
Nah, that can't be it.
I guess I could rely on how my clothes fit, but I have these wide child-bearin hips, you see. I was the same size pants in high school as I am now - although back then I weighed 30 pounds less.
Holy hell that is depressing.
Ugh. Thanks, blog.
But really, the next time you feel yourself start to say, "muscle weighs more than fat" just realize that while you are trying to help the person feel better, saying random facts doesn't do that.
You may as well say, "Fat cells exist in all parts of the body except the eyelids, parts of the esophagus, the brain and the penis."
There. That should make them feel better.
When you say "muscle weighs more than fat" you need to realize this is in no way a compliment. You are not saying the person is muscular, or is even gaining muscle. You are not saying they look better or that whatever diet they are on is working. And, what's more - I notice people saying this to others...who don't even work out?
"Oh you gained two pounds? Muscle weighs more than fat. Oh...you've been laying on the couch for 7 years straight? Still...muscle weighs more than fat...so, ya know, go get 'em, tiger."
So, what do you say to someone who steps on the scale and isn't happy with their weight?
I think I have a few simple responses you could use which don't include "Muscle weighs more than fat, ya know":
Them: Ugh, I gained 3 pounds this month.
You: In 1871, American lawyer Clement Vallandigham was trying to prove that a man had accidentally shot himself, and had not been murdered, when he accidentally shot himself while demonstrating his theory. He died of his wounds, but won the case.
Them: What an amazing story! I totally forgot about what I was just talking about!
Or maybe you could try:
Them: I can't believe how fat I feel today.
You: When Earth passed through the tail of Halley’s Comet during its 1910 approach, there was public fear that a gas discovered in the tail, cyanogen, would destroy all life on the planet, leading to people buying gas masks and “Anti-Comet Pills.”
Them: Oh my! What a great fact! I think I will have a salad for lunch today to celebrate!
Or lastly:
Them: The scale says I have gained 2 pounds!
You: SHUT. THE FUCK. UP! SERIOUSLY! KIDS ARE STARVING ALL OVER THE WORLD AND YOU ATE A WHOLE BAG OF DORITOS AS A SNACK THIS AFTERNOON. IT IS TWO GODDAMN POUNDS, DEBBIE. THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT. NOW, WE ALL SAW YOU EAT THAT BIG MAC AND LARGE FRIES FOR LUNCH AFTER YOU "JUST HAD YOUR SALAD" SO STOP THOSE THINGS FROM COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE-HOLE AND GO FOR A JOG, YOU COW.
Them: Thank you for being honest! Here is $50!
See?
It is just that easy. And you will notice at no point do you have to mention anything about muscle or fat or their comparative mass densities.
You're welcome.
Or, you could always go with what a professional has to say:
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