Like, I haven't been fired from my job or been viciously cornered and attacked by a rabid camel.
Honestly, by this point I figured at least the camel was a sure thing.
What?
I KNOW I AM ONLY HALFWAY DONE TALKING ABOUT SRI LANKA IN MY PREVIOUS BLOGS, BUT I HAVE SOME BIG NEWS PEOPLE!
BIG NEWS!
I TOLD YOU! HUGE GNU'S!
I will finish up my Sri Lanka adventure after I talk about this gnu...news.
So what is this big news?
What could possibly make me search the internet for pictures of wildebeest with clever captions?
(there aren't nearly enough, by the way...)
Well well...look who is curious now.
Maybe you shouldn't have been so upset earlier about the Sri Lanka thing?
Hmm?
Well I feel we have all learned a valuable lesson then.
Where were we?
OH YEAH!
Seriously, people. We can do better than this. If you don't have a New Years Resolution yet, perhaps you could sign this petition and join my internet crusade to have more Gnu puns and Gnu jokes.
Everyone loves a good Gnu'd joke...
GAH! Stop distracting me!
So this news...it is a pretty big deal. I did something I usually don't do - just on principle alone. It is something that I find kind of amateur at best. Something I have prided myself on NOT doing...
and yet here I sit, excited about this big news.
I...and maybe you should be sitting down for this one...
I
Made
A
Decision
and
Planned Something
in
ADVANCE.
Stay with me! The shock will fade!
I imagine a lot of this just happened. Sorry, mom.
But yes...now you can add "planning genius" to my CV. Probably put that right under "impeccably dressed" as I just noticed the cracker crumbs on my shirt
So what sort of thing would cause me to actually plan something in advance?
Not only in advance...in mega-super-deluxe advance. We are talking months here, people.
Usually the night before something has to be done was still just a little too early to start. I am especially adept at filling out forms as I stand in the line they are to be submitted in.
I can throw together my taxes in about 6 minutes on April 14th at 11:53 PM.
I can tie my shoes while walking.
I could put my pants on while walking, but I rarely leave the house while putting my pants on anymore because of "the law" and "my neighbor calls the cops constantly" and "when it is cold it isn't flattering"...
One time. It happened once.
Okay fine. 326 and 1/3rd times.
But still, I believe it should be "327 strikes and you're out"...this seems unfair to prosecute someone as innocent me for something as trivial as leaving the house without my pants on a few hundred times.
So what did I decide?
What was so important I completely went against everything I believe in about procrastination?
I decided which direction I would fly home this summer.
Okay, it sounded more epic in my head than it looks in print right there.
BUT STILL!
In order to go back to the US for a few weeks this summer, I had to choose. Do I fly West over Europe and the Atlantic? Or, do I fly East and fly over Asia and the Pacific.
DOES IT!?
Yes.
If I fly West over Europe I will run into the Atlantic Ocean. I will probably stop in London and fly the 3600 miles home over the great big blue expanse.
If I fly West, there is a teeeeeeeny little difference in the ocean.
Here is the Atlantic Ocean from Space:
Not too bad...
And let us have a quick look at the Pacific Ocean just to compare...
THAT IS HALF--THE-SIZE-OF-THE-PLANET-EARTH BIG.
I think the issue is that we are all very familiar with this image of our Big Blue Marble:
Minus the pinks dots. Those are just where I am wanted by the fashion police.
And yes. That is Antarctica. Was NOT bikini season, apparently.
So why would choose to fly over that huge pile of salt water with two giant floating trash continents?
The Wonderful Land of Oz.
That's right! I am going down under to throw another Barbie on the shrimp and have a "Good day" and probably be consumed by one of the millions of deadly animals Australia has to offer!
Hooray!
While the odds of me surviving this trip without getting bitten, poisoned, mauled, attacked, insulted, drunk, or seeing a wary and distrustful sheep are very slim - I am still willing to take that risk.
Seriously, have you seen the list of deadly things that will end you in Australia!?
Taken from: Australia's Dangerous Animals: The Top 30
Top 30 dangerous animals in Australia
This list was developed by the Australian Museum in Sydney. Museum staff rated animals out of 10 based on the threat they pose, combined with the likelihood of encountering one.
Danger rating: 10/10
1. Box jellyfish (Chironex fleckeri)
Danger rating: 9/10
2. Honey bee (Apis mellifera)
3. Irukandji (Carukia barnesi)
Danger rating: 8/10
4. Bull shark (Carcharhinus leucas)
5. Eastern brown snake (Pseudonaja textilis)
6. Saltwater or estuarine crocodile (Crocodylus porosus)
7. Sydney funnel web spider (Atrax robustus)
Danger rating: 7/10
8. Blue-ringed octopus (Genus Hapalochlaena)
9. Coastal taipan (Oxyuranus scutellatus)
10.Common death adder (Acanthopis antarticus)
11. Cone shells (Conus sp.)
12. Dugite or spotted brown snake (Pseudonaja affinis)
13. Mulga snake (Pseudechis australis)
14. Red-bellied black snake (Pseudechis porphyriacus)
15. Tiger shark (Galeocerdo cuvier)
16. Tiger snake (Notechis scutatus)
17. Great white shark (Carcharodon carcharias)
18. Yellow-bellied sea snake (Pelamis platurus)
Danger rating: 6/10
20. Common lionfish (Pterois volitans)
21. Collett’s snake (Pseudechis colletti)
22. Highland copperhead (Austrelaps ramsayi)
23. Inland taipan (Oxyuranus microlepidotus)
24. Redback spider (Lactodectus hasselti)
25. Reef stonefish (Synanceia verrucosa)
26. Smooth toadfish (Tetractenos glaber)
27. Blue-bellied black snake (Pseudechis guttatus)
Danger rating: 5/10
28. Australian paralysis tick (Ixodes holocyclus)
29. Bull ant (Myrmercia pilosula)
30. Giant centipede (Ethmostigmus rubripes)
THIS IS JUST THE TOP 30...AND WE ARE STILL AT 5 OUT OF 10 ON THE DEADLY SCALE.
Let me put some graphics up here to demonstrate the pure danger this continent offers:
SEE? ZERO IN THE MIDDLE EAST! My chances of Kangaroo related death are going up exponentially!
Giant Mythical Snakes would look at this and do a goddamn double-take...
Bayonet Turtles...a slow, painful, adorable death.
But I guess nothing sums it all up like Australia's new "Truth in Advertising" Campaign...
So why am I risking crashing into the Pacific, trash continents, and an almost assuredly painful death at the hands of something either adorable or terrifying or a little of both?
Let me give you a hint...
Know what that is yet?
No?
Hmm. Well I will give you another hint or two...
This will surely give it away:
Ahhhhh you probably guessed with that one! An udder (HIGH FIVE) giveaway hint, right there!
Really? No? I know of at least one reader who is probably facepalming right now...
But for the rest of you, may I present the regal...
...the epic...
...the simply uncontainable...
Canberra Sky Whale!
EVERYONE DANCE WITH ME NOW!
Wait...
...you mean you don't know about the Canberra Sky Whale?
I present to you, The Canberra Sky Whale...majestic floating symbol of Canberra's Bicentennial:
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!
Even before your first question falls out of your mouth, I shall attempt to answer it:
YOU ARE DARN TOOTIN' THOSE ARE UDDERS!
I will let you take in this awe-inspiring sight with another picture or two...because I am not sure you have the full effect yet:
Take it all in, folks...
Now, just to really seal the deal, here are a few excerpts from the Wikipedia page about this amazing creature:
The Skywhale is a hot air balloon designed by the sculptor
Patricia Piccinini as part of a commission to mark the centenary of the city of
Canberra. It was built by Cameron Balloons in Bristol, United Kingdom, and
first flew in Australia in 2013. The balloon's design received a mixed response
after it was publicly unveiled in May 2013.
Now, I don't think this would really be complete without the artists explanation of what the actual fuck she was thinking:
Piccinini's intention when designing the balloon was to
fashion it as sculpture of a living creature rather than a "balloon that
looked like something". She was inspired by the planned nature of
Canberra, and has described the work as:
"My question is what if evolution went a different way
and instead of going back into the sea, from which they came originally, they
went into the air and we evolved a nature that could fly instead of swim. In
fact coming from a place like Canberra where it's a planned city that's really
tried to integrate and blend in with the natural environment, it makes a lot of
sense to make this sort of huge, gigantic, but artificial and natural-looking
creature".
The official website of The Skywhale describes Piccinini's
design as follows:
Wings didn't make sense to Patricia; the creature was too
big and the technical limitations of balloon design wouldn't allow them anyway.
So she took a cue from the balloon itself, and imagined that the creature might
somehow secrete a lighter than air gas. In the place of wings she imagined huge
udders that might contain the gas, as well as a huge bulbous body. She imagined
the creature with a slightly more human face, with a calm benign expression
that would inspire empathy rather than fear. Her aim was to create a being that
was massive and wondrous and that exists somewhere between the impossible and
the unlikely.
Now, just to be clear...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
haha! haha! haha! haha!
hahahahaha! ha!
hahaha! hehehehehehehehehehehe hahahahaha!
*deep breath*
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
*wipes away tears*
Okay, okay. I know this is a national...symbol. But really?
I mean when the lights go out and the reporters have gone home...did the artist just walk quietly into the kitchen, pour a big glass of red wine, and start laughing hysterically?
I know someone in Canberra, that is the actual reason I am pretty excited about, but even they may have the slightest sliver of doubt that maybe, just maybe, a mid-sized cow sporting gas emitting udders and a spiked tail may not be the thing that would immediately make someone go:
"OH THAT IS CANBERRA, RIGHT!?"
Well, I may not be lucky enough to see this 8th Wonder of the Inflatable World, because it was just featured in a Japanese Arts Festival in Tokyo. With a booked up schedule, I may not get to actually see the Nipply Air-Cow, but just breathing the same air its 10 gigantic inflatable udders have emitted gas into in order to remain regally afloat above the city of Canberra is good enough for me.
But really, more funny Gnu pictures on the Internet, please.
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