Today will be similar, but with a much more broad and all encompassing tip that can be used, cherished, and passed down from father to son, generation to generation.
Here is my advice for buying clothes for women.
Put that eBay page or Amazon page down for a second, we need to have a talk.
Don't know what to get that "special lady"?
Can't decide on that perfect gift for a female friend?
Need some guidance on how to get out of this occasion without looking like a dope?
Here is a simple flow chart to describe how this works:
NO PRESSURE, GUYS.
I know it seems hopeless guys, but turns out it gets worse.
You have to buy them something. You and she both know you'll probably blow it. She will say thank you and give you a hug...then a few months later it'll be all like: "Well I slept with your best friend because you got me a new key chain for my birthday" - but at the same time you can't just not get them something. Don't believe me?
Try getting your girlfriend "the gift of loving her" for her birthday and tell me how it feels sleeping outside.
And this isn't a bullet guys have to dodge once a year. Oh no, no.
Screw you, Hallmark.
Hey! Well...yeah...okay that is valid.
So, unfortunately as a guy, we are stuck in a very actionable position. So if you don't have that lightning bolt of an idea, what is a guy to do?
We restore factory settings and think: What do girls like, in general?
Jewelry? Nah. I am going to mess this up so let's not make it an expensive mistake.
Hmmmmm.
Shoes? HAHAHAHAHAHA. No way. No idea where to even start.
Clothes? Hey! Yeah! Clothes! I will mess it up, but clothes are cheaper than ruby and emerald, and worst case I get new oil rags for when I work on my car after she tries to throw it away secretly.
Win!
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
Okay, so you've decided.
You can do this.
You log onto a website. Maybe she likes that one company? What was it? I think she said she did...or maybe she said she didn't. Wait, was it that Italian brand? No, it was Michael -Something- I think,
Okay...so you stare at the search engine while your fingers hover in terrified suspense over the keyboard while your brain racks itself trying to recall anything....ANYTHING that she said about what kind of clothes she liked. Blue clothes? Yeah she likes the blue ones.
Wait..or is that a light purple? That one is kind of green though, and she likes that one...
Now, at this point you're probably ready to give up.
No one would blame you. We are hunters. But since we can't kill an antelope with a club and slap down the leg on the table and have that be considered a "great and thoughtful gift - the gift of surviving the winter" we have to do a different kind of hunting...
But you can't give up yet, you can do this...HOWEVER if your brain fires an idea that is creative in any way, you need to shut that down immediately.
Hey, I like Batman - I bet she will love a pair of socks with a cape on it.
It takes a very special girl to appreciate a gift like that. Does she read the comics? No? Movies don't count.
Next idea.
You know what? I like elephants, I am going to get her a funny video game t-shirt with an elephant on it.
You like elephants. Don't confuse who you're shopping for! But Google it to be sure...
********Bad idea, but seriously if you find something like that you let me know IMMEDIATELY.******
So what can you do? Even if you do remember the name of that brand you can't afford, when you get to the website you finally realize how much you can't afford it.
You do what anyone would do.
It is...unavoidable.
You retreat to the safe harbor of Amazon.com.
That place has everything...
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
So you go into the search bar and type.......
You type....
WHAT DO YOU TYPE!?
THEY SELL EVERYTHING!?
The first thing is to take a deep breath and DON'T GET DISTRACTED!
The last time I went on Amazon.com and didn't keep my eyes on the prize I ended up with a 3 piece set of tactical machetes.
They are very high quality and I use them daily for all my jungle-traversing needs, but still...I was sloppy and lost my way.
I gave them 5 stars...
Okay, settle down. Start small. Scarf. Women like those. Women have traditionally cold necks or something...did I read that online?
Maybe I should Google th...
STOP! FOCUS!
You are going to make this work.
Okay, you find a scarf...at least you think it is a scarf. It is a long piece of fabric.
Add it to your cart...it'll make you feel better you have "started" the process.
Now, on to something better...maybe a shirt or a jacket or a other-thing-girls-wear-on-their-top-half-but-call-it-something-weird thing.
Fight the urge. She won't appreciate your humor.
A "joke gift"...um, yeah. A joke gift. Haha?
NAILED IT!
You know your special woman better than I do...so this next part is up to you, although I will document how the process usually goes:
4:31 PM - Search shirt
4:38 PM - Remember to narrow the search by filtering only women's clothing
4:39 - 7:22 PM - Mouth open, drool pooling on the desk as we stare blankly at all the things that are on the screen, completely overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of choices
7:23 PM - LIGHTBULB! We find something! We are sure you'd like it! Add to cart!
7:23 - 7:41 PM - Try to overcome the horror of being asked what size we would like to buy.
7:42 PM - Try to rummage through your stuff and see if we can find anything to help us out, only to see that there are over 231 different sized pieces of clothing in your closet. Some have letter and number combinations. Some have letters we don't recognize. Even others still have what appear to be an early form of Sumerian Cuneiform that would indicate the size is an Extra Gozer or a Medium Zuul.
This means "Extra Medium"
7:43 PM - Have the same revelation we have every time we find ourselves in this maze of confusion....
There is a sizing chart right on the webpage!
I will just click on that and....
Oh good. US Size, right? What's an "UK"!? Hollow to hem? What the actual hell does that mean?
Bust? Damn right this is. Hips? Yes? She has those...
So now you are forced to make a choice.
You have the item selected.
You know this can work.
You just have to decide...is she a small-medium? A Medium? A large? The reviews say it runs small...could it even be an extra large!?
Get ready to play...
What could go wrong?
Let the internal dialog begin!
Okay self...let's start at the small end.
Do we get the small-medium?
She is smaller than I am and I am a large.
But that is men's size - does that matter?
Yes you dummy, of course it matters.
Well let's say we get that size and it is too small...she may be really upset she isn't that size!
She could return it.
But then it means we thought she was skinnier than she is! She will hate us!
She hates you.
She hates you more!
True...and we know from experience that clothes shrink in the wash...
Yes! Good thinking! Let's remove the small-medium selection...
Alright! Now we're talking!
Alright, let's have a look at the XL and get back to the internal dialog:
Well, the reviews say it runs small, so we could use that as an excuse.
There is no good excuse for that! If it is too big she will think that we think she is fat!
Oh snap, that's true. That may be worse than getting one that is too small!
But look at the XL! The girl in the picture looks to be her size. Hmm, she is actually kind of cute.
FOCUS, MAN!
Okay! Sorry...but really. See how her...
DUDE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, THE GAME IS COMING ON!
IT IS THAT LATE ALREADY!? Okay, let's do this!
We can cross off the XL. If I am going to mess up, I am going to mess up on the small side.
Okay, deep breath...last two to pick from...
And we pick up where we left off:
We are down to large or medium.
I think she is a medium.
Let's see the difference between a large and medium on the chart......
WHAT!? TWO INCHES!?
THAT IS NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!?
Oh no oh no oh no...
Maybe we can phone a friend?
No way! By the time the story gets back to our girlfriend and/or wife it'll sound like we were calling her fat!
Becky did always hate us! Think think think think, man!
Okay, if we guess right, it will be an average gift.
If we guess wrong........
chomp.
So, you have spent all this time stressing out and worrying...
On the verge of having a breakdown, you have this moment of clarity.
The sky opens up and you see it - crystal clear and larger than life.
Ahhhhh.
Baby, you work so hard I worry you don't take good enough care of yourself. Your well-being means the world to me, so I want you to take a day and get completely pampered at the spa. ©
So you're welcome, I bought you another 7 hours of time to go out and not screw this up...
Go! Go! Go!
The last tip before I leave you to it:
Coats are easier to buy for her than sweaters and sweatshirts.
Sweatshirts and sweaters are easier to buy for her than shirts.
Shirts are easier to buy than WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? DON'T YOU EVEN DARE CONSIDER BUYING HER PANTS.
So remember, when you want to know how to buy her clothes, just get her a day at the Spa instead.
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