NICE TRY, CUPID.
I am not going out that easily.
On this Valentine's Day you tried to poison me.
Don't deny it.
DENIAL ISN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, CUPID.
Jerk.
But your plan didn't work. I still live. I still breathe.
Smells like socks in my building. That's weird.
BUT BACK TO YOU AND YOUR CRIMES, CUPID.
I knew it was too good to be true. To be this in love on Valentine's Day was something I was not accustomed to. I wasn't used to the warm feeling, the tender longing, the need to be together.
But you struck at me through the very object of my affection.
You used my love against me.
You tried to take me out.
You failed.
And now I am back with a renewed vigor and appreciation for the finer things in life. My love remains true. As true as the arrow you tried to put in my back.
Well, stomach.
DON'T PLAY STUPID, CUPID.
You know what you did.
But to stoop to that level...I just cannot believe I would see the day.
What else can be said?
Now I bet some of you are sitting there...okay, well like the two people read this thing, but I bet at least 50% of them...40% of my two readers at the lowest, are wondering how could I possibly believe the soft, baby bottomed shooter of true love's arrow could try to poison me?
How could I think this adorable, honest, cherub of sweet affection would ever try to kill me?
I mean, just thinking about this cute little guy would get most people all like:
BUT DON'T BE FOOLED, PEOPLE.
This hovering, arrow-shooting, bare-behind baby son of a bitch is armed and dangerous.
I will tell you the whole story...
Never mind, I am too lazy. I will sum it up.
I wanted Valentine's Day to be special.
I usually kind of skip this day, because...well if you've met me you get it. But I wanted to spend my day tending to the object of my affection.
You see folks, I was in love.
I am almost remiss to show you a photo of the new beacon of light in my life...but I know I must if you are to understand how and why I feel the way I feel.
Ready?
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GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! OO-OO-OO
Yes.
Yes that is a meatball sub.
And I love it.
SAVE YOUR JUDGEMENT FOR CUPID.
This is real.
This is love.
Now, I knew a love like ours wouldn't be easy. I mean, it isn't like you combine three ingredients and pop them in the oven on broil for a few minutes and out pops delicious love...
Yes folks, love is just this easy.
There are actually four ingredients, thank you very much.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Tell us how you met!"
Haha, you guys are too much!
Well, we met in the frozen foods aisle. Now, I can cook for sure - I have worked in more kitchens than Black and Decker, but today I was more concerned with ease and convenience.
But when our eyes met, I knew it was something special.
That and the yellow tape sticking the two boxes together that said "SPECIAL BUY ONE GET ONE FREE" made it pretty apparent this was going to be a transaction I would be happy to be a part of.
So, I guess it is true. The grocery store is a good place to meet your soul mate.
I took them back to my place, I still can't believe it happened so fast.
But I was surprised to find out at the start how cold it was between us.
It would be okay, you can't hurry love.
You'll just have to wait.
I just let things warm up - thaw out, I guess you could say. We can try to find that connection - rekindle the fire between us - again tomorrow.
We played around together, you know, had some fun...
Oh the fair, I will always remember the fair...
Was this real? Had I finally found "the one"?
As the Sun grew in the sky on the second day, as did the sizzle between us. I added a little oil to make it that much more romantic. This would be an experience I would never forget.
I was going to do this right.
This was going to be special...
Almost ready.
I got out the rolls - I was keen on trying a new technique I had come up with. Inspiration strikes in the most wonderful of times. I was tired of my meatball subs breaking or having a meatball slide out.
Well, my friends...problem solved. Cut that sucker in half, dig out some bread to make a comfortable nest for your precious cargo, and enjoy.
I felt as though Cupid was on my team - I thought this was my happily ever after.
But things were about to go sour. Literally.
I set my oven to broil...you want a crunchy sub roll and the cheese to be perfectly melted.
I made my bread nest.
A sprinkle of mozzarella underneath to help the meatballs settle into their new home.
I tenderly placed the gorgeously browned meatballs in the bread canoe of love.
Three spoonfuls of marinara sauce.
Okay, let's be honest...It was four.
One more sprinkle of cheese and it was all but official between us.
I slide them carefully into the warm embrace of the oven...but I didn't let the two of them out of my sight. the oven is my friend, but could I trust the two of them together...alone!?
A few minutes go by.
This was it.
However, Cupid, who up until this part had been a silent bystander, was about to make his move.
The smell...oh my dear readers, the smell of love is something everyone should enjoy.
And then...disaster.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
It fell! The long, slow motion descent to the kitchen floor!
I can see the look in that poor meatball subs eyes to this day...
I may never recover...
It fell.
Nay, it seemed to leap off my spatula.
Was it pushed?
Did I see something out of the corner of my eye?
Was it a chreub with a bow and arrow flittering off?
DID CUPID TRY TO MURDER MY LOVE!?
I saved what I could, I tried to rebuild my masterpiece...but it would never be the same.
Could we go back to how we were?
I had to try.
I had to believe.
I collected myself and sat down, plate before me.
What had happened to us?
Would it...could it ever be the same?
Did I really see Cupid try to kill my Valentine?
No. He could never kill what my meatball sub and I had. Our love was too strong.
I don't care what you look like, honey. I am staying right by your side.
Okay, well, I mean...I will still eat you.
A few deep breaths and I took my sub gently into my hands.
And then he showed up in a pink fluffy cloud of hate.
Cupid popped up as I took a bite. Time seemed to stand still.
He drew his bow...but the tip of this arrow was no heart. It was vile and black. It was designed to take me out.
The evil grin on his face as he shot me with the poisoned arrow was something I will also never forget. I mean, look at this asshole:
You can tell right away this guy is evil.
Time restarted suddenly...I couldn't stop myself and I bit into the meatball sub.
I knew right away I had been betrayed. Betrayed by Cupid on Valentine's Day.
This love I had left a bad taste in my mouth. One I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.
All I can compare it to was the taste of marinara sauce which has gone bad. Mostly because the marinara sauce had gone bad.
It was like licking a car battery covered in ketchup.
I tried everything to rectify the situation. I even made a new sub with new sauce that I didn't drop on the floor. You have to start somewhere.
But no. It was okay, I guess. But it wasn't the same. The trust had been broken between me and the meatball sub.
Will we still see each other now and then? Sure. There are still feelings there - but there is no more spark.
I will miss you, meatball sub. I won't forget you.
And I will never forget this Valentine's Day...when Cupid stole my love.
I CAN'T GET YOU OUTTA MY MIIIIINID....MISS YOU, KISS YOU, LOVE YOU....THAT SAUCE WAS POIIISSOONNNNNN....
(and that will be my one Bel Biv Devoe Reference for the week)
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