Children are terrifying, and snowmen of science Part 1 12/10/2014

Today will be a special blog...

I know, I know.

They are all special.

Thank you.  That is true.

But today I am going to write this thing in two parts.

I KNOW! WHAT IS GOING ON YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE WHY HAS EVERYTHING GONE UPSIDE DOWN!?

DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER...MASS HYSTERIA!

Let's all calm down.

So today is the day of days, the one both you and I have been waiting for.  Today is the day that I will remember forever as...

Okay.

Ahem...

Today is the day I will remember for at least a few weeks as LK-Day.

As in "Little Kid-Day" - as in the day I take my 10th graders to a class of 3rd graders and we build snowmen of science.

Now I can understand why you are inching closer to the edge of your seat.  I get it.

You're asking yourself, "If the English call a 'flashlight' a 'torch'...what do they call a torch?  How do they differentiate?"

That is a great question.

You're probably also wondering why little kids scare me so much.

You just answered your own question.

Even the word "little" looks like I shouldn't trust it.  Little.  Nice try.  Nice...fucking...try.  

There is something...little about little kids.  They have little hands.  They have little feet.  They have little tiny heads that I could crush if I accidentally stepped on one.  Yes they carry germs and disease, but the germs and disease are adorable ones.

Sure I could lick a petri dish from the bio lab and get less sick than if I made eye contact with one of these adorable human plague rats, but that isn't what scares me about little kids.

It is the overall little-ness of them.  They can get anywhere.  And what if they touch you?  I don't want to have to cut off any of my limbs because some little kid hugged it.  I have grown quite fond of my left arm and the idea of sacrificing it to the Kid Gods is not on my holiday to-do list.

Good lord....WHAT IF ONE CRIES!?

I can't handle that.  Give me adults that cry and I know just what to do.

I take my beer and I walk away.

But when a kid does it?  I feel like I should do something...or at least, like...care...or something.

AHHHHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Now, IN MY DEFENSE, I have not really been exposed to kids.  

That's illegal, you pervert.

What I mean is, I haven't been around children a lot.  Mostly because they terrify me, but this is "Which came first? The chicken or the egg" territory now...do children terrify me and that's why I haven't been around kids? Or perhaps I haven't been around kids because they terrify me?

And you wonder why I don't sleep at night with great shit like this to think about.

My sister was married to a guy with kids, but they were already nearly teens.  That doesn't count. And usually when my friends get married and have a kid that will be the last I see of them.  So the opportunity to steel myself against these little critters....these Litters...never came up, so I am still unsure how to correctly attack them.

I mean the situation.  How to best attack the situation.  Not the Litters.  I would never attack them.  I often find they travel in groups or tribes, and I would be overwhelmed if I attacked.  Also, I am quite sure it is illegal.  A protected species, the Litters.  Also, I don't want to always be "that guy that got his butt kicked by 3 babies and a binky" if I can help it.

And have you read Lord of the Flies?

Screw that.

Oh, aren't they just darling?

Let me paint a picture of why these Litters scare me.  It is all about perspective...

You show me this:

And I see this:

Or you show me this:

And I guarantee I see this:

  

I don't know what it is?

It isn't that I don't like the idea of Litters.  I was one myself.  I have walked in their tiny little adorable Litters shoes.  I know what it is like.

I don't remember the ability to smell fear like these Litters do, but I remember a lot.

So in 4 minutes the bell to start my death marc....my walk down to their lair will begin.

I am going to help them make snow out of baking soda and shaving cream, and then we are going to make snow men out of them.  I had my students make a ton of accessories for the snow men, including little Bahraini flags and things for the coming National Day.  It seems like this should be a great experience...or the last thing I ever do.

What if one of them looks at me?

What is one of them...*gulp*...talks to me!?

OH GOD WHAT IF ONE OF THEM PUTS ME IN A HEADLOCK AGAIN!?

I mean...a headlock for the first time.

First time ever that would have happened.

...

So the second part of this blog will be when I get back from this hour long descent into hell.

When I return heroically...either with my shield or on it.

Plutarch once said, "The Spartans do now ask how many are the enemy, but where they are"

Room 12.

Once I am cleared from the medical facility I am sure I will have to visit to attend to my wounds I can go about the business of the mental rehabilitation I will have to endure.  I am sure the psychological damage will be extensive.

When I get back I will update you.

...

If I get back.

Children are terrifying, and the snowmen of science Part 2 12/10/2014

Well...I made it out alive.

I fear some of my 10th graders may have been taken hostage.  I haven't had time to do a head count.

Hmm.  All there.

A miracle.

We were outnumbered by a superior force who had the advantage of terrain, as all the tables and chairs were tiny.

We never should have left there alive.

The memory is hazy, and I only have flashes of the horror I just experienced.

Thank goodness my training kicked in and I was able to snap a few shots of the massacre...

For those with a weak constitutions, you may want to look away.  These are raw and unedited pictures.

 

OH MY GOD HE IS SURROUNDED!

NO!  THE LITTER ON THE RIGHT HAS HIM IN HER CALLOUSED GRASP!  IT'S TOO LATE!

ACK!  HIS HANDS ARE COVERED IN BLOOD!  WAIT...IS THAT FAKE SNOW?  I CAN'T TELL BUT OH THE HUMANITY!

OH GOD!  OUTNUMBERED!  HE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE!

I apologize for having to show you those stunning images.  The world has to know what happened here today.

And to think, before this mission behind adorable enemy lines things like this never existed:

Or this...

And my favorite, this one:

You are damn right that is a space chicken fighting a construction paper monster in space with a sword and shield.

I love this.

Suck it, Monet.

Overall, I believe I only wet myself a few times.  The dehydration kicked in from all the crying and sweating so thank goodness for that.

It wasn't so bad.  Maybe my attitude towards these Litters could use some evolution.  Maybe I was wrong?  

Hey, first time for everything...

                OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Live and let sty and the nearly infinite AC fix of 2014 12/08/2014

So one by one, day by day, the little pieces of my broken villa are being repaired.

I now have lights on all floors.

I have two working burners in my stove.

Still working on getting my computer and stereo back online, but I do what I can when I can.

So things should be going pretty well, huh?  After all that stress - all the hours of people in my house going everywhere - all the not sleeping because of the pick ax crew in my driveway - all was slowly getting behind me.

All day.  Every day.  6 AM On a weekend?  Knock knock, bitch.

Okay, well I may have gotten a call this morning that they were removing the half-operational stove they installed a few days ago.

I may have gotten word that for the 3rd consecutive day there has been a team of men in my villa working on, but never fixing, my air conditioner.

Really.

The first day it was one guy, he pulled the chip board and showed me the fired capacitor.  He said easy fix and he would just pull the rest and replace them.  The next day there were 4 guys.  One to climb the ladder and work, and three to sit around the guy on the ladder and have a chat.  Today, my friend Sayed informs me there are 6 guys in my villa.

They are taking apart the same AC units they took apart yesterday, the same ones that were taken out the yesterday before that.

I guess it is hard to get the professionalism you get in other countries...

or

or even

But it will be fixed, and the cool weather is a very nice treat.  If it was summer I would have just moved into my fridge.

Little did sty know that there was something sinister afoot.

Or, a-face, rather.

Crazy thing, apparently lack of sleep and high levels of stress are linked to developing a sty.  I had seen a sty before in a student, and all I can say is ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, but eye (HIGH FIVE EYE = I JOKE) had never had one.  I didn't feel anything wrong.

In fact I didn't know it was there until talking to the school nurse in passing she got "the look" where you know the person you're talking too sees something and is no longer llistening

That one.

But what she was looking at was my eye.

"You okay?  Your eye is all...ya know.  You okay?"

Definitely words you want to hear from someone in the medical profession.

Just a few steps shy of the ever classic line: "HOLY FUCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH  YOUR EYE!?"

She said she knew all about sty's, so I had a look and sure enough...there it was.

Sty.

So, this is pretty much how I walk around now:

Same dress and everything.  I am a huge hit at parties.

What would I do?  My job is to stand in front of teenagers.  Something like this can ruin any chance of education in my room - and with so little happening already this could be a real bad time.  I can imagine the looks from students as their deformed physics teacher lumbered into the room with a basketball underneath his eye.

Not learning today.  Let's all stare for 90 minutes and be completely unapologetic about it.

This thing is crazy big.  In fact, I will let Mike Myers explain just how large...

So how could I possibly avoid the attention I would get from staff and students with this musket-ball lodged under my eye?

Well, fate would work in my favor for a change.  

It is spirit week at our school, which means students with a normal uniform for school get to wear whatever they want - within reason - to celebrate National Day this Thursday.

Sunday, (work week is Sunday to Thursday here) was Wacky Tacky day - and I made a modest effort.  Bright green plaid short and a polka dot tie, two different shoes - your standard teacher fare for a spirit day such as this.  But then halfway through the day I discovered my eye was giving birth to a planet...

How would I hide the eye issue from people on Monday?

How could I take "Character Day" and make this work?

I am a goddamn pirate.  Arg and stuff.

I needed a way to cover the ol eyes, so I had a burst of inspiration...an eye patch?

Oh yes.  An eye patch would be perfect.  

Though I strangely didn't have one laying around.

So, some cardboard, string, and black construction paper did nicely for an impromptu eye patch. Strapped a few belts together for a bandoleer and threw my big kiffyeh scarf on my head

bing-bang-boom...

pirate.

I am dressed for success...success at striking fear into the hearts of fat Spanish merchants, apparently.

They actually hired me.  Like, they actually wanted me to work here.

So, with a little creativity and some idiocy I am a pirate today.  What character?  Well, I was going to do some from one of my favorite books, Treasure Island.  Couldn't do Long John Silver - I had two too many legs.  I couldn't do Israel Hands because I don't know if that is such a good name to use here.  They don't put the country on any maps here, maybe calling myself that name would be...unproductive.

So instead, I am a younger Captain Billy Bones.

Why not?  They've never read that book anyway.

I suppose I could be Sorta Blind Pew - maybe Halfway Blind Pew or something.  Important thing is I am a pirate and this patch is perfect.  It is like my left eye has taken a nap for the past 7 hours.  

So while I am not sure how long it will last, the big challenge will be "Twin Day" tomorrow.

I am already in a 3-some, (just as awesome as it sounds) where we are wearing some silk toga-like thing and coming as triplets.  But how can I hide my eye?  Maybe I can convince them to wear sunglasses like me?

I just hope it doesn't heal, because where is the fun in that?

Maybe we could be the Three Fates from Greek Mythology and just use one eye...and it would be my right one.  The unbroken one.  The one that isn't creating a new and dangerously strong gravitational field caused by its ever growing mass.

I could totally pull this off...

If anyone has any bright ideas I would love to hear them.

I had considered taking the day off, but then I would just sit around drinking all da...

Hmm.

Hold on, I need to make a phone call to HR...I am suddenly not feeling well.

The God of Bore and the truck that started an imaginary riot 12/4/2014

So I am a pale bald Spartan and I have these death blades strapped to my wrist.

I just executed 30 monsters.  Minotaur, Centaurs, Gorgons, Harpies, you name it.

All dead.

I collected their red orbs.

I can feel the game level building up to a perfect crescendo as I jump and stab and shoot more monsters with bolts of lightning bestowed upon me by Zeus himself.

My name is Kratos.  I am on my way to kill the god of war, Ares.

I climb the ladder to the top of the statue of Hades, some 200 meters tall, and gaze into the abyss.

Sometimes, when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back into you.

And sometimes, the damn game makers decide to put 300 feet of skinny beams you have to walk across.

God of Balance

Now, I understand the insertion of puzzles into a game like this.  It can't be non-stop slaughter. People will get bored button smashing.  But to put in several parts of the game where you have to balance on a beam that you fall off of even when standing still seems like the game designers were just being a bunch of dicks.

A bag of dicks, even.

And, I did a little legwork on this one and apparently I am not alone...

This may rival that level in Battle Toads.........

This kind of backwater BS is what drives me to drink.  Haha, no just kidding.  I do that for fun.  But really - the whole game is built around killing gods and monsters - smashing walls and leveling up your purple fire sword you picked up from Artemis out of nowhere.

And then, in the middle of all that action and excitement you put in a balance beam?

Oh, and as if killing the momentum and purposefully frustrating players wasn't enough fun for you, you had to insert spinning blades of death on the beam...so we have to not only navigate the beam but also the blades?  If we fall we have to start all over no matter our progress?

You jerks.

Now, I get the skill they were trying to get the player to perform.  But really...this game is called God of War.  If I wanted to hone my balance skills I would just get Wii Fit and be called obese by that damn machine every day.

We meet again, you skinny bitch...

At least put in an option to skip it.  This is an older game I got on a re-release.  I am not here to be a part of the cutting edge, (HIGH FIVE FOR A SPINNING BLADES OF BALANCING DEATH JOKE) of the tech world.  I just wanted to re-play a game that I enjoyed playing before.

But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Le sigh...

So, I did what any mid-30's adult mature male would do...

I threw a hissy fit and went to bed.

Then, the next day, I didn't even try.  I just put on God of War 2.  There will be no balance beams in this one after the outcry from the last one I bet!  There...

There...

Really?  On the first level?

You bastards.

A guy like this should not require hitting R2 as fast as you can to open a door...he just ripped the wings off of a Griffin and then used them to beat Medusa to death...

But that frustration was going to pale, (HIGH FIVE FOR THE KRATOS JOKE!) in comparison to what the ol' real life had in store...

My friend from Australia, the one who accidentally visited a mosque with me, well it was time for them to head on home.  An hour to Dubai with a layover, and then about 13 hours back to Syndey.

Ewwwwww.

But still, it was time to go home.

Plane leaves at 5:50 PM, so we left at about 3:30 PM.  Bahrain has a stellar fast airport.  I would say "International Airport" but there are no domestic flights in Bahrain.  If you get on a plane, you're leaving the country.  

All there is to it.

So the airport is about 20 minutes away, (haha) but we should still get there with plenty of time to spare.  

What could POSSIBLY go wrong...???

A stalled truck and Bahrain's SUV Riot Police. 

Duh.

So we leave on time, and get on to the highway easily.  So far, so good.

First roundabout is a little heavy on traffic, but it moves well enough.  At the second one I became more concerned - this was definitely a little heavier traffic than normal.  I had the choice of taking the long way to the airport, or just head right up through Sitra.

Sitra shouldn't be crowded...there isn't anything there and the traffic from the industrial bits doesn't pick up for a bit.  

"Let's just do that," I instantly regretted thinking to myself.

After a short way it became apparent that I had chosen...poorly.

You have chosen...wisely.

I have already covered the traffic in this country.

I have mentioned the fact that in order to get somewhere you usually have to drive 10 kilometers past it to find a place to turn around.

I have certainly said that drivers are aggressive and the traffic laws are basic suggestions, at best.

This is a perfect example of that.

All of that.

The traffic slows to a stop.  Then a crawl.  Then a stop.  Then a stagger, crawl crawl, stagger...

Misspent youth?  Not even close...

Traffic was stopped.  People were driving...well, I would say "on the shoulder" but they were driving on the shoulder's shoulder's shoulder's shoulder.  They went through the sand and through shop parking lots and right past the SUV police who seemed amused by it all.  

I wanted to do that, but I was stuck in the far left lane and couldn't get right!

Cars were nose to tail and there is no mercy on the highways here.  I couldn't do a U-Turn as the curb to my left was about 2 feet tall...and I feel like I am pushing my luck with the Deathtrap Mobile, (DTM) just by sitting in it, let alone trying to four wheel in the desert over a curb.  The next turn around was about 2 kilometers away, but when your average speed is 0 km/hr that can take a while.

An hour later we had covered about 1.5 kilometers.  No place to turn.  No way to move.

I don't handle traffic well to start - and missing this flight was going to be an expensive mistake.

This joke cannot be improved.

At 4:40 we passed the cause of it all.  A truck, broken down in the rightmost of the 3 lane highway we were on was causing the ruckus.  This seemed a bit mild to have caused this kind of backup, until we were then passed by the lovely Bahrain armored vehicles as they cruised the dirt and sand around the only turn off in Sitra.  They had SUV cops blocking the road in and out of Sitra itself...and to make things better they had big yellow concrete riot blockades set up.

It was still daylight.  Why they were set up for action, I have no idea.

Why they were watching as cars drove onto the sand around them occasionally is a mystery.

Why they decided to shut down a major road for a broken down truck I will never know.

They know their stuff, so I won't complain.  I would imagine they have dealt with more riots than I have.

However, this did cost my friend their trip home.  An expensive mistake.

We turned tail and headed home to shawarma delivery and God of War 2 like a bunch of grownups. The flights are rescheduled and all is well, but I don't like missing appointments and I really don't like traffic.  

Hello?  Yes.  You'll have to speak up I am riding a camel...

The good news is, while writing this I got a call that they are bringing a new stove to my villa to replace the one that got cooked, (NO, YOU'RE ON FIRE WITH THESE JOKES!)

So now I will continue to get pre-made food and getting take out...but I will at least be doing it with a stove that works.

A fort, a tree, and the 4 guys that invaded my driveway 12/2/2014

So Saturday came, and the Sun came up.

The damn lights still weren't on...

But the Sun came up.

It was a start.

Around 10:30 the wheels finally got set in motion and things started happening.  My friend and new building manager Sayed came over to have a look with Dinesh, our head of security.  They agreed that the place was completely out of power, but they did seem to enjoy the cord I had running into my living room from my neighbors house.

They got the neighborhood maintenance group, AMLK to come by and after about 3 hours of a guy standing at my fuse box flipping the same 6 fuses, they agreed the place was still completely out of power.

While this was going on, my friend who is in from Australia and I decided to take a little spin around the island.  Well, not all the way around the island...election day and the embassy warning about traffic being "disrupted" meant we would see a more local form of the island.

First on our list was the fort across the road from me in Riffa, the Sheikh Salman bin Ahmed Al-Fateh Fort.  Everyone calls it Riffa Fort - yet I have no idea why. 

Can't pronounce it?  Can't invade it.

It was a great day so we got into the Deathtrap-Mobile (DTM) and sallied forth on our adventure. The parking lot in front of the fort was kind of empty.  There were two young 20's guys in street clothes who gave us the evil eye as we walked about in front of the building.  I was guessing that is just how all young 20's guys in street clothes looked.

Now, IN MY DEFENSE, I am pretty sure that is how I looked when I was a young 20's guy wearing street clothes.

So we walk towards the front door and at this point I notice something is wrong, but we go in anyway after removing our shoes and placing them in the rack outside the front door.

You know, the rack for the shoes you find outside of a mosque.

Uh oh.

This is no moon!

Wait...

I mean:

This is no fort!

So my friend and I got to visit the mosque which is right outside the Sheikh Salman bin Ahmed Al-Fateh Fort.

Now, IN MY DEFENSE...it WAS right in front of the parking lot AND it is the same color AND it is the same style!  

IT LOOKED LIKE THE DOOR TO A FORT...OKAY MAYBE NOT NOW THAT I AM LOOKING AGAIN BUT AT THE TIME IT DID I SWEAR!

So we walk in and share "the look" and respectfully and politely walk out.  The young 20's men in street clothes are no longer interested in us, which was actually hurtful now that I think about it.

We walk to the street, where the sign pointing out that this is the mosque and the fort was just a shade to the left was located...now, IN MY DEFENSE the sign was on the far side of the parking lot...

Oops...

So we walk past the mosque and into the Sheik Sal...the Sheik Al Salm..Al Fa...into Riffa Fort.

So khaki...

It was pretty cool, actually.  The rooms were very sparse and there were no displays etc. but it really didn't need it.  Needed a museum!  A big glass one in the middle of the fort!

The walls became parts of the decor of the rooms - and it was a fort, so not like there was much in the way of art on the walls in the first place.

I am no photographer, but here are just a few shots:

This is called: "A window"

This is "a door"

This is called "a more awesomer door"

This is a room that is altogether also awesomer...

I honestly enjoyed it very much.  You could climb into the turrets and onto the roof in some sections...but IN MY DEFENSE (NOW THAT IS A FORT JOKE!! AM I RIGHT!?  GUYS??) I really like history and forts in general.

I wished I had taken more pictures - I had to dig this one up online.  They also had these great little rain gutters that filed the water away from the interior:

Synchronize viewpoint?

Don't mind if I do!

My friend pointed out the amazing similarities between the rain gutters and the synchronization points in Assassins Creed.  It was a true shame there was no hay bale underneath the gutter to complete the effect.

We toured and checked out the little cafe inside, and the mysterious glass box inside the fort:

Ye olde glasse boxx

I only later learned this was the museum, unfortunately closed when we visited.

We get back into the Deathtrap-Mobile (DTM) and head to our next destination....

The Tree of Life.

Now, IN MY DEFENSE, I had visited here previously, so the second time didn't have the same effect.  However, I could see in my friends' face that they were having the same reaction I did my first time.

The big difference for me was in fact two simple facts:

One, the ground was actually spotted with green shrubbery.  When I was there in the summer, the area was completely barren except for the tree.

Two, now that the weather was cooler, the Bedouin groups had settled in and started to construct their tent cities.

Travel light, that is what I always say...

Still, it was an awesome experience and I know I will be back again and again.

It is an amazing thing, really:

My first visit - you can tell because the camera melted right afterwards...

It is a tree situated on some 400 year old ruins of a fort.  I suppose there was a spring there and that is what made the fort self sustaining, and therefore the tree has some water, but I really just like that it is there at all.

There are no trees around it, it just pops out of this hill.

Like some chlorophyllic jack in the box...

So, things have been going really well...but I knew it couldn't last.  Now, IN MY DEFENSE my house was in some real trouble and I am known for having things be...difficult...

So we set off for some lunch and to check in on the circus at my Villa.

The good news is...um...yeaahhhhh.

Nothing had been done.  When I got in they assured me they would be done that day.  Then 10 steps away another guy said tomorrow...maybe.  And as I opened the door, Sayed looks at me and says:

"The ministry of Electricity is at fault," (I didn't high five him at the electricity pun) "and therefore they will have to assess and determine what to do."

In Bahrain I had no doubt, none, that the Ministry of Electricity, (which I didn't know existed, but upon reflection of course it does) can fix this problem.  I was more worried about how long it would take to fix...

One day?

Two?

A week?

The email I got the next day wasn't promising...

Sayed told me the Ministry hadn't yet scheduled a date to come and look at the problem.

Uh oh.

I may be eating cold beans for a while...

Now, IN MY DEFENSE, I know how things work in America when the government gets involved.  It is more like a bunch of monkey's trying to screw a lubed up door knob than real progress a lot of the time.

My neighbor Aimee who has been very concerned during this whole event was on her porch, so my friend and I joined her to watch the action unfold.  We told stories and laughed and commented on how sorry we were for hurting people's feelings without being sincere about it.

But mainly we watched the digging.

What's that?

"What digging?" you ask?

Oh..that would be this digging:

I hope he PICKS a winner!

That is my driveway from my neighbors porch where we tailgated the show.  The crew arrived at 5 PM on Sunday, and didn't stop that digging until 4 AM Monday.

New people showed up.  Old people left.

Foremen brought food.

crewmen ate food.

A guy in a thobe with dyed red hair sat in the truck and watched them work, occasionally yelling in Arabic.

The hole was about 6 feet deep.  They had to ax in steps to get out.

So that went on until 4 AM.  Well, to be more correct, the pick axes went on until 3 AM - the shovels scraping the dirt back in went til 4.

I just hope they let the guy get out of the hole first...

Honestly, I am impressed by several things that happened.

Now, IN MY DEFENSE, I do expect the best and prepare for the worst, but this wasn't so bad at all.

Not only did the Ministry get to my Villa within one day, they installed a portable generator for me. 

Not only did they install a portable generator for me, they sent a crew to work for 11 hours in the dark while digging into my driveway.  

Not only did the send a crew to work for 11 hours in the dark while digging into my driveway, the next morning by 8 AM they sent a different crew to level and re-brick the driveway.

Not only the next morning by 8 AM had they sent a different crew to level and re-brick the driveway, but then they told me to document any losses so they could reimburse me.

The power is restored in my Villa and things are getting fixed one by one.  

Yesterday the first floor got lights.

Today the second floor is getting them.  

In theory the AC units will be serviced soon.

My oven and stove should be back online soon, I hope.  But to be honest I enjoy having the excuse to eat and order out.

My friend from Australia has been much more tolerant and patient than I have been to their credit. But, IN MY DEFENSE, they wanted to see Bahrain - and this incident along with all the food, crazy maintenance, interesting stories, trees and forts, has been exactly what this place is all about.

That, and young 20's guys in street clothes hanging out in front of mosques.