Chester, Andy, and LIES 2/1/2015

I didn't post a lot last week - as I am sure to your extreme distress - but fear not!  I am back with some more relevant and exciting words that will surely change your world view, open your mind, and make your soul shiver.

So, about my dream last night.

Look, I have a lot on my mind.  Work, papers, workplace interactions (avoiding them), and I also watched some guy play a scary video game on YouTube this weekend.

I am living life on the edge, people.

So all this stress really comes and hits hard, giving me some pretty intense dreams.  This one, well this one was possibly the most intense yet.

What did I dream about?

Wait, what?

That's right.  I dreamt, (I looked that up - and now I know the differences between "dreamt" and "dreamed" so I am pretty much done doing stuff for the day) about a damn hamburger.

Now, TO BE FAIR it was a Double Whopper®.  See that "R" in a circle?  Yeah.  You know it is a serious burger.  That is a Registered Trademark burger so don't even THINK about trying to make one yourself.

The Burger King will end you.

This exists.  This.  Exists.  I didn't make this.  IT.  EXISTED ALREADY.

So, the worst part was I made my order, my way and everything, and before I could get the food I woke up.  The best part of it that I do remember is my food order was taken - and I had a back and forth about a lost bank card - with this guy:

Oh...it's that guy from that thing...

I got to work early and immediately tried to identify the guy that took my order at Burger King Dreamland.

I know that guy!  It's...it's that guy!  You know, from that thing!

Shit.

After finally figuring out one movie I knew he was in, I visited IMDB and lo and behold, my friends; It is Blake Clark, everyone!

Yeah not in a million years would I have figured that out without my good friend Google.

Side-note:  If you haven't installed IMDB, (Internet Movie Database) on your phone you have basically been wasting that Smart Phone technology.  It is the closest thing to a life line since someone actually called a bit of rope a life line).

There is an insight into my unconsciousness.  Apparently when I sleep my brain isn't quite done thinking about what I spend a majority of my time thinking about.

Food.

In fact, when I go shopping today after work I am basing my entire trip around one particular snack that is only at one particular place in Bahrain.  When you see it, you have to buy all of it or you may not see it again for months.

MONTHS.

Now, TO BE FAIR they do have similar type snacks here, even ones made by the same company.  But it isn't the same.  You know how it is.

When I lived in the United States there was only one snack food that had the key to my heart.

Only one man and his beautiful blue bag of angel kisses.

Of course, I am referring to the one, the only:

Now, I was surprised to learn that some people had never heard of Mr. Capp.  So, I shall share a few highlights that demonstrate what an amazing and talented individual this fictional character really was:

Now, if those photos of this great man didn't do enough convincing, I shall present exhibit D:

DO YOU HAVE A STATUE!?  NO.  NO YOU DON'T.  AND YOU'RE REAL.

But I submit for your approval that the comics, the books, even the Andy Capp musical, aren't what make this great (fictional) man great.  TO BE FAIR those other things are pretty cool - but his pièce de résistance  my friends, is this:

You may have to shield your eye like they did in Raiders of the Lost Ark lest ye be blinded by the heavenly light.

Now, there are a lot of snack foods out there.  Tons.  But these have a special place in my heart...mostly around the cholesterol infested bit, for many reasons.  

First of all, they are suuuuper healthy - you can tell because they have the word "baked" right on there.

Secondly, they only cost 99 cents.  Well, they did until right before I left for overseas, then the price rose to an OUTRAGEOUS $1.19.  

And third, while there are many flavors to pick from, they were wise enough to include my favorite flavor of just about anything:

Hot.

Hot.  Hot Fries.  YES!

Spicy may be the best flavor of all time!  

Is that pizza tasty? MAKE IT SPICY.

Oh, I see you are enjoying some spaghetti? SPICYGHETTI IS BETTER.

WHO PUT THE HAI IN THAI FOOD!? (Just go with it) SPICY.  THAT'S WHO.

If you don't have a hot sauce holster you don't know what livin' is!

If you ever have the chance to get your hands on these puppies, you don't want to pass it up.

It would be a direct insult on me if you refuse the Hot Fries.

But to answer your question, I am writing about these because there is a terror lose in this world.  A demon, perhaps.  And the only way to exorcise a demon is to know its name.  So, if you ever come face to face with this demon I want you to be prepared:

BEHOLD THE FOUL IMPOSTOR.

Now this is difficult for me to shame the name of Chester.  He creates the snack I am going to go to fetch today.  Chester makes a fine Cheeto.  And it takes about all of the self contraol I have to ignore the other horrifying products he endorses.

No.

What!?  NO.

ARE YOU JOKING ME!?

Natural?  HOT FRIES ARE THE ONLY HEALTH FOOD FOR ME!  Nice try, jerks.

But regular Cheetos?  Yes.  You may exist.  In fact, I will even eat you. 

I won't acknowledge your Flaming Hot honcho. 

I won't bother with your Puffy pal.  

And I sure won't have any words to say to your Mixed Bag buddy.  

But you, Regular Cheetos, you can stay.

...

UNTIL I GET ACCESS TO HOT FRIES AT WHICH POINT YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT TO CHEESY POWDER HELL.

There is a report of a snack called Burger Rings I have to try.  While not available here, I will be able to get some this summer.  AND DON'T YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND I WON'T BLOG ABOUT IT BECAUSE REALLY AM RUNNING OUT OF STUFF TO TALK ABOUT IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Size Matters: A guide to appropriately panicking when buying clothes for women 1/19/2015

Yesterday I gave some tips on what my opinions were about settling into a new country or new area.  It was helpful and marvelous and all around I slept pretty well knowing the world was a better place because of what I had done.

Today will be similar, but with a much more broad and all encompassing tip that can be used, cherished, and passed down from father to son, generation to generation.

Here is my advice for buying clothes for women.

Put that eBay page or Amazon page down for a second, we need to have a talk.

Don't know what to get that "special lady"?

Can't decide on that perfect gift for a female friend?

Need some guidance on how to get out of this occasion without looking like a dope?

Here is a simple flow chart to describe how this works:

NO PRESSURE, GUYS.

I know it seems hopeless guys, but turns out it gets worse.

You have to buy them something.  You and she both know you'll probably blow it.  She will say thank you and give you a hug...then a few months later it'll be all like: "Well I slept with your best friend because you got me a new key chain for my birthday" - but at the same time you can't just not get them something.  Don't believe me?

Try getting your girlfriend "the gift of loving her" for her birthday and tell me how it feels sleeping outside.

And this isn't a bullet guys have to dodge once a year.  Oh no, no.

Screw you, Hallmark.

Hey!  Well...yeah...okay that is valid.

So, unfortunately as a guy, we are stuck in a very actionable position.  So if you don't have that lightning bolt of an idea, what is a guy to do?

We restore factory settings and think: What do girls like, in general?

Jewelry?  Nah.  I am going to mess this up so let's not make it an expensive mistake.

Hmmmmm.

Shoes?  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  No way.  No idea where to even start.

Clothes?  Hey!  Yeah!  Clothes!  I will mess it up, but clothes are cheaper than ruby and emerald, and worst case I get new oil rags for when I work on my car after she tries to throw it away secretly.

Win!

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?

Okay, so you've decided.

You can do this.

You log onto a website.  Maybe she likes that one company?  What was it?  I think she said she did...or maybe she said she didn't.  Wait, was it that Italian brand?  No, it was Michael -Something- I think,

Okay...so you stare at the search engine while your fingers hover in terrified suspense over the keyboard while your brain racks itself trying to recall anything....ANYTHING that she said about what kind of clothes she liked.  Blue clothes?  Yeah she likes the blue ones.

Wait..or is that a light purple?  That one is kind of green though, and she likes that one...

Now, at this point you're probably ready to give up.

No one would blame you.  We are hunters.  But since we can't kill an antelope with a club and slap down the leg on the table and have that be considered a "great and thoughtful gift - the gift of surviving the winter" we have to do a different kind of hunting...

But you can't give up yet, you can do this...HOWEVER if your brain fires an idea that is creative in any way, you need to shut that down immediately.

Hey, I like Batman - I bet she will love a pair of socks with a cape on it.

It takes a very special girl to appreciate a gift like that.  Does she read the comics?  No?  Movies don't count.

Next idea.

You know what?  I like elephants, I am going to get her a funny video game t-shirt with an elephant on it.

You like elephants.  Don't confuse who you're shopping for!  But Google it to be sure...

********Bad idea, but seriously if you find something like that you let me know IMMEDIATELY.******

So what can you do?  Even if you do remember the name of that brand you can't afford, when you get to the website you finally realize how much you can't afford it.

You do what anyone would do.

It is...unavoidable.

You retreat to the safe harbor of Amazon.com.

That place has everything...

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

So you go into the search bar and type.......

You type....

WHAT DO YOU TYPE!?

THEY SELL EVERYTHING!?

The first thing is to take a deep breath and DON'T GET DISTRACTED!

The last time I went on Amazon.com and didn't keep my eyes on the prize I ended up with a 3 piece set of tactical machetes.

They are very high quality and I use them daily for all my jungle-traversing needs, but still...I was sloppy and lost my way.

I gave them 5 stars...

Okay, settle down.  Start small.  Scarf.  Women like those.  Women have traditionally cold necks or something...did I read that online?  

Maybe I should Google th...

STOP!  FOCUS!

You are going to make this work.

Okay, you find a scarf...at least you think it is a scarf.  It is a long piece of fabric.

Add it to your cart...it'll make you feel better you have "started" the process.

Now, on to something better...maybe a shirt or a jacket or a other-thing-girls-wear-on-their-top-half-but-call-it-something-weird thing.

Fight the urge.  She won't appreciate your humor.

A "joke gift"...um, yeah.  A joke gift.  Haha?

NAILED IT!

You know your special woman better than I do...so this next part is up to you, although I will document how the process usually goes:

4:31 PM - Search shirt

4:38 PM - Remember to narrow the search by filtering only women's clothing

4:39 - 7:22 PM - Mouth open, drool pooling on the desk as we stare blankly at all the things that are on the screen, completely overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of choices

7:23 PM - LIGHTBULB!  We find something!  We are sure you'd like it!  Add to cart!

7:23 - 7:41 PM - Try to overcome the horror of being asked what size we would like to buy.

7:42 PM - Try to rummage through your stuff and see if we can find anything to help us out, only to see that there are over 231 different sized pieces of clothing in your closet.  Some have letter and number combinations.  Some have letters we don't recognize.  Even others still have what appear to be an early form of Sumerian Cuneiform that would indicate the size is an Extra Gozer or a Medium Zuul.

This means "Extra Medium"

7:43 PM - Have the same revelation we have every time we find ourselves in this maze of confusion....

There is a sizing chart right on the webpage!

I will just click on that and....

Oh good.  US Size, right?  What's an "UK"!?  Hollow to hem?  What the actual hell does that mean? 

Bust?  Damn right this is.  Hips?  Yes? She has those...

So now you are forced to make a choice.

You have the item selected.

You know this can work.

You just have to decide...is she a small-medium?  A Medium?  A large? The reviews say it runs small...could it even be an extra large!?

Get ready to play...

What could go wrong?

Let the internal dialog begin!

Okay self...let's start at the small end.  

Do we get the small-medium?  

She is smaller than I am and I am a large. 

But that is men's size - does that matter?  

Yes you dummy, of course it matters.  

Well let's say we get that size and it is too small...she may be really upset she isn't that size!

She could return it.

But then it means we thought she was skinnier than she is!  She will hate us!

She hates you.

She hates you more!

True...and we know from experience that clothes shrink in the wash...

Yes!  Good thinking!  Let's remove the small-medium selection...

Alright!  Now we're talking!

Alright, let's have a look at the XL and get back to the internal dialog:

Well, the reviews say it runs small, so we could use that as an excuse.

There is no good excuse for that!  If it is too big she will think that we think she is fat!  

Oh snap, that's true.  That may be worse than getting one that is too small!

But look at the XL!  The girl in the picture looks to be her size.  Hmm, she is actually kind of cute.

FOCUS, MAN!  

Okay!  Sorry...but really.  See how her...

DUDE!  WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, THE GAME IS COMING ON!

IT IS THAT LATE ALREADY!?  Okay, let's do this!  

We can cross off the XL.  If I am going to mess up, I am going to mess up on the small side.

Okay, deep breath...last two to pick from...

And we pick up where we left off:

We are down to large or medium.

I think she is a medium.

Let's see the difference between a large and medium on the chart......

WHAT!? TWO INCHES!?  

THAT IS NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!?

Oh no oh no oh no...

Maybe we can phone a friend?

No way!  By the time the story gets back to our girlfriend and/or wife it'll sound like we were calling her fat!

Becky did always hate us!  Think think think think, man!

Okay, if we guess right, it will be an average gift.

If we guess wrong........

chomp.

So, you have spent all this time stressing out and worrying...

On the verge of having a breakdown, you have this moment of clarity.

The sky opens up and you see it - crystal clear and larger than life.

Ahhhhh.

Baby, you work so hard I worry you don't take good enough care of yourself.  Your well-being means the world to me, so I want you to take a day and get completely pampered at the spa. ©

So you're welcome, I bought you another 7 hours of time to go out and not screw this up...

Go! Go! Go!

The last tip before I leave you to it:

Coats are easier to buy for her than sweaters and sweatshirts.

Sweatshirts and sweaters are easier to buy for her than shirts.

Shirts are easier to buy than WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? DON'T YOU EVEN DARE CONSIDER BUYING HER PANTS.

So remember, when you want to know how to buy her clothes, just get her a day at the Spa instead.  

Expat Arrival Survival 1/18/2015

So I am possibly, just maybe, not as wildly popular as I suggest twenty to thirty times a day.

Perhaps there is just a slim chance I don't have women breaking my door down, or drink all my fluids from a cup made of Unicorn Tears that is sprinkled with diamond dust.

But, maybe I am.


And maybe I do.

The only reason I don't drink out of a unicorn mug is because I don't know which one is more "me"...

So, needless to say I was impressed when someone told me they read this blog.  Honestly, I have no idea if anyone sees this or reads it.  Blogger gives me stats but according to it I only have 3 followers, one of which is a former student.

*shudders*

So if there are people who aren't the few friends I have guilt tripped into reading it - or at least skimming it in between hands while they are playing poker online - I want to say thank you.

I did actually receive a message about the blog from a guy originally from Turkey.  He politely asked if I wouldn't mind writing about how I started to fit in here, and since I seriously am out of ideas some days, I thought it would be a shame not to oblige.

So here we go....

ahem.

RYAN'S EXPAT GUIDE:

WELCOME TO BAHRAIN!

Pretty awesome, right?  Look at how that guy is hitting those words!  And the explosion after!?

YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD BECAUSE LOOK HOW AWESOME THAT IS.

So, I know everyone will experience something different.  Early on I did write about a few things I did - the Rugby Club, a few Friday brunches etc.  But I figure what I can do in order to help the new arrival is just highlight a few things that I have found to be pretty helpful in my settling in.

I promise to only mention the fact they deliver liquor RIGHT TO YOUR DAMN DOOR a few times.

Where to begin?

Let's start with getting your place set up so home feels like home.

TIP #1: HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS 

ALSO WHERE YOUR BED IS. 

YOUR HOUSE KEY WILL LET YOU IN.

Everyone that arrives in Bahrain needs a place to stay.  Some people stay with coworkers in shared housing.  Some people get put up in a hotel for a week or two while they sort out their own housing.  And some are provided housing by their employer as part of the package that would make the job more appealing.

I am, and very fortunately so, in that 3rd group.  I arrived and had a place to call my own - and on top of that, it was surrounded by people I would be working with, so meeting new people was easier for me than most.

At the same time, I think you really can't settle into a new environment, especially if you are changing your entire world around by leaving what you have called home, without making where you live feel warm and welcoming.

No, really.  Let me see it before I open the door and let you in.

That means something different to everyone - for me it involved filling the fridge full of snacks and beer, hanging up a few choice objects from home, setting up my bookshelf.  Now, I don't read them - let's not be silly - but having books out always added a sense of permanence to a place.

If I am going to be here long enough to read these books it must be a home.

If you were able to bring some things from home, get them up as soon as you can.  The sooner you are surrounded by comfort, the sooner you will be more comfortable branching out.  I guess going out is easier when you know you have a safe environment to come home to.  On top of that, it is just simply easier on the mind to come home to something familiar.  You are under enough stress, so hang up that Spice Girls poster and get to feeling safe and secure!

I tell you what I want, what I really really...oh sweet Jesus not that...

Even if you did bring stuff from home, you will need to fill in the blanks.  You know, get your bathroom covered in precious stones and comic book memoribilia...get your hallway equipped with the latest and greatest fog machine/disco ball combo that has ever been...maybe even set up the .50 caliber machine gun on your roof for when the birds won't shut the hell up.

In order to do that, you will have to make the trip to Manazel.  It is a centrally located "everything" store that will furnish your house with the three things you went to buy, and the 32 things you also bought while you were there.

The first thing you're gonna want to do is get your hands on one of these babies:

Pixelated hand is actually included with the card.

I have written about this place before, but I can't stress enough how much this place isn't like your traditional "everything" store...like a Wal-Mart or a Target in the US.  This place doesn't have everything...it isn't like a BJ's Wholesale Club back home for me.  I can't do my banking while they rotate my tires in the macaroni and cheese aisle of the 3rd annex from the hall of records and employee lounge.

However, they do have everything of what they do have.

You want a painting?  They have all of them.  Hundreds.

You want motor oil?  They have all of them.  Hundreds.

Shower curtain?  May actually number in the thousands.

Bucket?  Yes.  How many gallons would you like?  1?  2?  3,228,917,223.6?  

They have that.

Would you like a Christmas Tree?

I swear they had one that show fake snow out of the top and collected it again at the bottom only to shoot it from the top again in an endless cycle of white Styrofoam Christmas spirit.

But go there, find something you can call your own and start making your place feel like your place.  If you are going to live and work in a foreign country, you can escape a lot of things, but who you are is coming with you, free of charge.

So don't be shy to ask people back home for help.  Ask for that lamp you love to be sent over, you know...the My Little Pony one?

Or that mummified pinky finger you found in your garbage disposal that cold November morning. Send it.  You can't explore the rest of the place well until you have a home to come home to.

TIP #2: YOUR HOME IS BORING. LEAVE.
ALSO IS THAT A MUMMIFIED PINKY FINGER? 
THAT IS JUST WEIRD.

This is the part I had a tough time with.

You have to get out and see what is local to you.  I was placed in Riffa, which is great for families.  It is quiet and safe, and there is not much around that would be trouble for you or your family.

On the other hand as a single person, there is nothing around except content families, and they are the absolute worst thing ever for a single person to be around.

"Hi!  We are the perfects.  Touch our abs and feel the power"

Getting out wasn't easy.  I do enjoy doing things on my own, so at least I wasn't too uncomfortable with the fact that a lot of my exploring of Bahrain would be on a solo trip.

If you have people you moved with or know, it is a good idea to start you're toe-dipping into Bahrain as soon as you can.  The first month or two, yes, you will go to all the hypermarkets and the big stores only.  It is just natural to settle in and go to "sure thing" places like that.

However, even if you like those stores, it is a good idea to get an idea of where you live.  I live very close to the Riffa souk.  If it hadn't been pointed out to me I may have never even known it was there. One reason is it didn't look like my definition of a souk - and two because it isn't near anything I was familiar with.

I found a nice little market that I will sometimes go to.  There are a few other stores down there for when I want to remind myself there is a whole world outside of my little bubble.  And I feel it is good to try to experience where you live - isn't like you can hide from it.  The longer you avoid embracing the culture and your new neighborhood, the longer you will keep yourself from being content.

So I asked around, and near to me was the souk, Fort Riffa, and the Tree of Life.  

I made it a point to see the Tree as soon as I could, the souk I got to a bit after, and the Fort I saw with my friend from Australia.

Why go see a tree and a fort?

BECAUSE THIS IS RIFFA THERE IS SERIOUSLY NOTHING TO DO HERE EXCEPT WATCH FAMILIES BOND WITH ONE ANOTHER.

But the point is, if you live in Muharraq you should try to see the sights in Muharraq.  Live in Jufair?  Plenty right outside your door.  Saar?  Seef? Isa Town?  Each has its own "stuff".  

Also, let Google do some of the heavy lifting.  I just Googled "Things to do in Muharraq" and got a list of links.  Some good, some bad, but it produced a list or 22 things to do on one of the top hits.

Try one of these in Muharraq, and you will certainly run into another visitor with whom you can make a connection with:

1 Beit Sheikh Isa 
The former residence of ruler Sheikh Isa Bin Ali Al Khalifa is a fine example of Gulf Islamic architecture, where you can see inner courtyards, traditional porticoes and wall carvings, while gaining insights into life before air conditioning – a wind tower cools the rooms. Conveniently situated, this well preserved 19th-century mansion is a good place to start the tour if you’re a first-timer or showing visitors around.
(17 334 945). Open Sat-Thu 8am-2pm. Cost 200fils

2 Street art by Saleh Sultan Salmeen Bakeet 
Follow the signs from Beit Sheikh Isa to Seyadi House (closed for renovations, but worth viewing from outside) and, as you return across the square, you’ll see a striking art installation. Composed of a variety of found objects, including tennis balls, clocks, flags, a traffic light and photographs, it wouldn’t be out of place in a Museum of Modern Art. It is, in fact, the work – and home – of Saleh Sultan Salmeen Bakeet, whose barely distinguishable front door is embedded in the art.

3 Majlis on the square 
Next door to Bakeet’s house is a small room furnished with floor cushions, a TV and various artefacts. It’s a meeting place for people who live in the area. They each pay a small fee for a key, and can use the room to drink tea, eat machboos and talk. If you fancy a cuppa and a few local insights, drop in on a Saturday when they settle in for the afternoon from around 1.30pm and would be happy to receive you.

**These were all taken from Time Out Bahrain

Another tip is to pick up the coupon book for Bahrain.  For 30 BD (about $80 USD) you get a book full of coupons for everything from spa treatment to brunches.  It sounds like a lot, but when brunch is 25 BD and you get about 10 free coupons in there, it is easily worth it.  You can also get Time Out Bahrain Magazine which is full of stuff all over the island for you to get into.  Check their website for deals as well.  These are excellent ways to get people you work with or make a small connection with in passing to come out and have a coffee.  

You can always tempt a few people to come to coffee or a brunch with a coupon.

I imagine it would go something like this:

You: Hey, I have this buy-one-get-one free coupon for Al Abraj.  Would you like to get dinner?

Them: UNTIE ME!

You: Okay, cool.  How does Thursday work for you?  This week has been so hectic haha.

Them: PLEASE LET ME GO, I HAVE A FAMILY!

You: That is a great idea!  We can certainly get coffee afterwards.

Them: Wait, did you say coupon?

You: I sure did.  See you at 7?

Them: Oh, wow.  Thank you.  I am looking forward to it NOW PLEASE RELEASE ME YOU SCOUNDREL AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE HELLO KITTY?!

And there you go.  Instant connection.

I guess the point of my first two tips is to start small and give yourself a chance to make mistakes and try new things - even by accident.\

Listen, it takes about 3 months to really break in a pair of jeans, you can't expect yourself to hit the ground running all the time.  It will take months to get yourself into a routine that resembles a normal life.  Remember, you are a guest in a new country...with a new climate, new customs, and a new way of life.

So for round one of my settling-in tips, get to know your local area, and make sure when you come home you feel like you belong there.

Oh wait I almost forgot...

 THEY DELIVER LIQUOR TO YOUR DAMN DOOR!?