So, as I was progressing through my stages of acclimation predictably ahead of schedule, I decided I would learn to write and read Arabic. Hell, according to this WordPress website written in 2002 and updated last in 223 BC it is easy and I can do it in just a few hours...how tough could it be!
*clicks link*
...
...
**closes link**
**shuts computer**
No.
Step two was to go to YouTube and see if maybe some more interactive education would do the trick. And sure enough an attractive woman with a big happy smile says she can make me learn in six easy lessons. Six! I almost didn't notice that some of the first words out of her mouth mention the 7th lesson.
Almost.
So anyway, I am on this date with this girl on my YouTube or whatever - it is getting pretty hot and heavy - and she is teaching me how to read and write Arabic. It actually is easy! Easy. Until you learn how to do it. Sure, I can connect letters right-to-left like some sort of acrobat. I can write my baa and my nuun and my thaa' like a boss.
LIKE. A. BOSS.
Selfie.
So what could make it difficult? What could possibly make a language that...on paper...(HIGH FIVE!) is pretty straight forward? How could you muddy the letter writing water of everlasting squiggles?
The difference that makes all the difference.
The difference that separates the theoretical from the practical.
The difference is the fact that this is what they teach you:
Easy as fuck.
And what you are expected to read:
Hard as fuck.
ARE TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT DOES THAT SHIT SAY? IS IT THE SAME? IS THAT AN "L" OR IS THAT A MORE DIFFERENT "L"!? WHY ARE THERE MARKS EVERYWHERE!?
WHY DO YOU HATE EMPTY SPACE, WRITTEN ARABIC LANGUAGE!?
I SEE THAT THERE ARE LETTERS SHAPED DIFFERENTLY BUT HAVE THE SAME NAME. NICE TRY, BUT I AM TOO SMART FOR THAT. THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER LANGUAGES IN THE SEA, YOU KNOW.
Seriously, get over yourself. You play easy, but you're hard to get. I know nuns that give it up easier than you do, Written Arabic Language. You think I will just hang out in the friend-zone while you let other people write you? You think I am just going to sit here and sharpen my pencil all by myself?
Listen girl, you know I want you. I will treat you like a princess. I will make weird lines all over paper for you baby.
All.
Night.
Long.
This girl meant nothing to me, Written Arabic Language. She was just some hussy who throws her goodies up on the internet so just any clown can click on her. I didn't "like" her video.
You're the only written Arabic language for me, Written Arabic Language.
What's that? Yeah, I wrote along with her. But I was thinking of you the whole time. I was thinking about connecting your letters in ways that make sense initially but then get complicated as fuck. Just because it looks like someone dropped a box of chocolate sprinkles all over you doesn't mean I won't eat them offa you, Written Arabic Language.
You are delicious to read. So why not let me understand you? Come on, I won't tell anyone. It will be our secret. I just want to know when I walk into a place of business the sign doesn't say "Anyone named Ryan who walks in here will be immediately stabbed in the pee-hole with a rusty kabob skewer that had recently been used to scrape the bottom of a 55 gallon oil drum oh and we will get a badger high on angel dust and stuff it down is pants" ya know? For my own safety.
You could keep me safe, Written Arabic Language. I could rest easy in your confusing fucking squiggles. I could make it my home. You let me get to first base by showing me your numbers...you don't want me to get blue ball point pens, do you? That stuff hurts. It isn't a made up thing, baby...I promise.
Think about it. I will call you up later. Maybe after a few drinks you'll loosen up. Maybe a quick squiggle before I go?
No?
I respect that, Written Arabic Language.
JUST TELL ME IF THIS IS FUNNY
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