You are greeted with a fake smile.
Everyone steals a glance at you.
Some stare.
The people with an open seat next to them give you a quick look - a look to size up you and your smell - before quickly diverting their eyes faster than a student who doesn't want to be called on in math class.
You can almost hear their silent prayers of "Don't sit next to me! Oh God why!? Please don't let that THING sit next to me!"
You glance at your ticket again, as if something has changed in the last ten seconds since you glanced before. You squint at the faded seat numbers...row 6...row 7...better check that ticket again...okay, my row is row 31....so....row 8.....row 9...wait...row 31 right? Yeah. That's right.
All in all it is a somber experience. We all paid too much to be here...I know I know, "you're paying for safety and comfort"...but in an industry makes over 175 Billion...with a B...a year in the USA alone, something tells me the chair which has the year 34,200 BCE chiseled into the side of it by: INSPEKTOR THAG could use a smidgen of an upgrade.
Flying in coach is not a great or pleasant experience. It is something you must endure to get where you are going. We do it because we must. Some people don't mind a good ol' plane flight. Some people do. There are many factors to what goes into a flight, but above all else it isn't the food or the stewardess who was hired in 1927 and, judging by her wild hair and 1000 yard stare, hasn't left the plane since, that determines your in-flight experience. Oh no...no, no.
The main factor in enjoying your flight, apart from the not crashing part, is who sits next to you. Terrifying indeed, because it is something you often time have no control over.
There are many perils on board an airplane. They come in all shapes and sizes - literally no one is safe and danger can strike at any time, from any one.
There are a lot of culprits to beware of on an airplane. I am just going to include a few today I feel create the biggest danger to you, the honest and pure air traveler.
In no particular order we have: the Comfy Necker, the Pre-teen Pele, the I'm at Home-er, the Awkward Aisler.
Let us look at these individuals more closely...
The Comfy Necker
This guy.
This fuckin' guy.
If the neck pillow isn't already in premier napping position, it will be strapped to them somewhere as an immediate identifier. Hell, they may as well just walk around like this:
Things start out okay. They don't talk to you. They don't move about so much. They quietly sit there and grab the in-flight magazine...
...but wait...
...what's that?
They didn't bring their own book?
I mean, I guess people read the in-flight magazine...
NO. NO THEY DON'T.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO READ THE IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE COULD VERY WELL BE A COMFY NECKER.
EDUCATE YOURSELF.
EDUCATE YOURSELF.
No one reads it for current articles. Hell, the last one I read ended with "...and that is why one day man will walk on the moon" followed by a "5 Questions with Michael Jackson" about his upcoming Thriller video.
Now, to be clear everyone has gone through the magazine. It is a 2 or 3 minute time killer to see how bad the person who tried the crossword puzzle in the back really was.
I admit to have rifled through this magazine nearly every time. On longer flights I find I can't plow into the same book for hours and hours, no matter how good it is so this provides a much needed short distraction.
But only the Comfy Necker will read it.
As this neck-pillowed mouth breather read up on "Ten Things to do in the Ottoman Empire" - you suddenly realize what you're dealing with here.
This is the Comfy Necker.
So as the plane fires down the runway they set the magazine back in the kangaroo pocket and lean back. They let out a grunting sigh, and no matter how quiet, you know the clock has officially started ticking.
Maybe it starts as a barely audible exhale of air. Maybe it is honest to goodness snoring right from the start. But when you are trapped about 10 inches away from someone who will comfortably sleep through the flight and breathe into your ear, you may very well feel stabby.
Even worse is when the the Comfy Necker is on the aisle seat. Now you have to wake the person up, usually twice because these assholes fell right back asleep in the 90 seconds you were gone, every time you or the window seat needs to use the restroom.
The double-whammy with an aisle seat Comfy Necker is their neck will bob, much like a newborn giraffe or one of those wooden snakes you hold that go back and forth, but invariably their melon will lean towards you, away from the aisle.
I hope they brushed their teeth...
The Pre-Teen Pele
You sit down. You notice there is no one behind you. Perhaps this is your lucky day? You can recline your seat all the way back and just enjoy the ride. Maybe. There is always hope.
The people filter past you. But you hear something in the distance. In fact you hear them before you can even see them.
Here comes "The Family".
Every flight has one. It is the group of 5 or more people who are related...and not really the happiest about that fact. Usually the mom is holding one of the smaller humans while the dad is loaded up with all of their carry on luggage, struggling through the aisle praying for a lack of oxygen to make them all just pass out for a spell so he can enjoy the peace and quiet.
With a thump they enter the row behind you. Of course. The parents think they have it figured out. one parent per row of kids, that way they are always there to supervise.
This is incorrect.
Look parents, if you have more than 2 kids, odds are one of them is probably a d-bag.
You know which one it is, we know which one it is.
You have to hedge your bets and surround this child. The other's will be fine! They will learn and grow from this! But one parent alone cannot handle the mess that is your Pre-Teen Pele.
They get everyone settled. You consider the slim possibility this may not be too bad and you settle in. At least 4 times one of the parents has to get up to shuffle through the backpack of one of the kid - and it is never the right bag on the first try - for a toy or a drink or a stuffed animal.
The plane is in the air, and it is pretty quiet. The thrill of flying has occupied the mind of this little devil...for now.
But soon it starts. It begins with a slight shifting in the chair behind you. Then you hear the seatbelt buckle clip on and off, on and off.
You hear the whispered shush from the parent who is tending to yet another of their children...perhaps this one has no pants on for some reason.
Then there is a silence.
A silence you can almost grab and put in your pocket.
And much like the scene in Jurassic Park...the silence gives way to an every increasing rumble...
It is beginning.
The kicks start barely grazing your chair, but soon they start to find a rhythm and amplitude. It is an inhuman sort of beat as the legs of this future long kicker start to swing freely. It isn't bad enough of kicks to react...not yet...but that is where this is headed.
It is...unavoidable.
But you can feel the wrath inside of you with each noisy caress of this kid's size 7's. Don't give into your hate!
At a certain point you give a signal, one you hope the parent recognizes.
A cough, perhaps. Maybe a very heavy shift in your seat?
Surely that must work...but alas, it does not. The incessant pounding continues on until you are forced to administer "The Look".
We all know "The Look".
We can all do "The Look".
The problem is, the look only really looks like "The Look" on a very select few people.
Some people can give a look that will stop traffic for miles. Others look more like they just got a letter saying they weren't accepted into their dream college. It just doesn't look like "The Look" on everybody despite the fact they are, in fact, doing "The Look".
Once this inevitably fails you try to establish eye contact with the parent.
Sleeping.
Well mayb...hey, wait a second.
Did I just see them peek at me by opening their eye a small bit?
Holy cow...are they faking being asleep to avoid their child and the inevitable confrontation that will follow?
That is amazing. Just amazing.
And you want to grab the tiny, rhythmic little bastard and threaten them as you've done in your head SO many times - and looked cool doing it - but you don't. You give one last gasp of a reaction and simply wait until he gets bored of making you angry.
All you can hope for is one day he or she grows up and gets to experience the same punishment they dealt out to you for themselves.
The I'm At Home-er
You settle into your couch with some snacks and a drink for a movie.
The phone rings, you answer. Maybe you have a chat.
You get up a few times - maybe to go to the bathroom or maybe to just get a snack. You fidget on your couch, trying to find the optimal level of comfort.
The phone rings, you answer. Maybe you have a chat.
You get up a few times - maybe to go to the bathroom or maybe to just get a snack. You fidget on your couch, trying to find the optimal level of comfort.
This is your house.
That is your right.
But, for the love of all things holy - STOP DOING THAT ON AN AIRPLANE.
THIS IS YOUR SEAT. THIS IS MINE. DO YOU SEE HOW THEY ARE ATTACHED!?
NO, NO I WON'T LET GO OF YOUR FACE.
This person always comes equipped with a carry-on bag that will stay with them. They are considerate in that regard, they don't make you get up while they sort through their bag...
...but they sure as heck will make you get up about 5 times an hour for any other reason. Bathroom, chase the beverage cart, just to go say hey to someone they met in the terminal...you know, to catch up on things.
They will constantly shift in their seats. Maybe you'll get the rare one that will talk to their little seat-back TV screen like they were at home.
"Don't go in there!"
"Ugh, do you believe that?"
"Oh I do remember this part..."
They aren't talking to anyone in particular, they just fail to realize they are trapped in a pressurized aluminum tube cruising at 35,000 feet while traveling at 600 mph along with a few hundred other people.
No big deal.
They treat their airline seat like a tiny condo on the 10,000th floor, almost completely unaware that they are yelling when they think they are talking due to their headphones. They don't realize their bottle of water has wandered into the aisle and is now a sure twisted ankle for some unlucky bastard.
While you would like to evict them from their one-chair condo in the sky, murder, as it turns out, is still illegal at 35,000 feet.
They treat their airline seat like a tiny condo on the 10,000th floor, almost completely unaware that they are yelling when they think they are talking due to their headphones. They don't realize their bottle of water has wandered into the aisle and is now a sure twisted ankle for some unlucky bastard.
While you would like to evict them from their one-chair condo in the sky, murder, as it turns out, is still illegal at 35,000 feet.
The Awkward Aisler
This is possibly the most difficult person to identify in terms of things that can make a flight less than comfortable.
I have spent some time thinking about this one, well, as long as I have been clicking away on the keys here, and I think I have a somewhat frightening revelation for you all.
The Aisled Awkward can be anyone.
ANYONE.
It can be one person one minute, and another the next. Does it repeat? It could. It is like that horror movie...you know the one with that guy who did the thing? Where he touched someone and the devil ghost thing would go between people?
Is that a thing?
I feel like that's a thing.
It is nearly random, although the I'm At Home-er does statistically end up in the aisle more often than most, so keep a weather eye out.
This person is also difficult to identify because you can sometimes see it coming, and sometimes it is a complete surprise.
But, let us define it first. The Awkward Aisler is someone who causes undue discomfort to other persons on the airplane, either by accident or through ignorance.
For instance, I enjoy the aisle seat. I like knowing I can get up and move around. Since I can't sleep and have some issues with my legs, I am being considerate so I don't have to wake people up when I feel the need to get up and move. It is a fair consideration I feel. I would prefer the window, but the lower headroom and the having to climb over people is simply too large a detriment.
Aisle, I choose you!
But this choice came with some unwelcome surprises. First of all, my shoulder and elbows have been battered and bashed by the beverage and food cart more times than I would like to admit.
I won't complain about that cart, however. It is full of food and drinks, no matter how disgusting they have been known to be. I mean, there is a reason the pilot and co-pilot have to eat one of the different meals...in case one type of meal is poisoned they both won't be unable to fly.
Comforting, don't ya think?
But what I am referring to is the person that gets up and has to stop because the beverage cart is in the way. That awkward stand where they can only inch forward one step at a time, or be a real pest and have the poor steward/stewardess roll all the way to the end, only to have to do the same thing on their return trip.
Now, this isn't a surprise. It isn't like the beverage cart fell from the ceiling like those useless masks. It isn't as if the aisle is a complicated labyrinth where carts come into and out of existence.
It is a goddamn aisle. It is long and straight.
Hehe.
A few things about the awkward stand:
1 - If you find yourself in this position, know your crotch is at everyone else's eye level. Seriously watch where you point that thing.
2 - Everyone is staring at you and wondering the same exact thing: Why did this idiot get up? They can see the cart is right there.
3 - If you lean on an adjacent chair, know you will disturb the hell out of the person sitting in it. The hinges were made in the first World War and easily stretch under the smallest of strain. Just don't.
So here you are, leaning awkwardly on someone's headrest, your arm only mere inches from their head, everyone is staring at you, and your crotch is the only way most people could identify you in a police line up.
This is the Awkward Aisler. It can strike anyone, but there is a certain person who is pre-disposed to become this sort of air traveler.
It is someone that can't identify the uncomfortable spot they have put nearby passengers in, because they are too busy humming "Mmmbop" in their heads.
In my many flights to many places all over the world, I have come to an unfortunate conclusion. While I am not this an Awkward Aisler, for instance I can hold it if I need to use the restroom...because I am a damn adult, and generally speaking I only lean on my own vacant chair if I need to stand. The unfortunate realization I have had, however, is some innocent people are somehow more prone to be attacked by the Awkward Aisler.
For instance, in my last flight we were in the air for one hour and 15 minutes. With such a short flight, most reasonable people would have used the restroom before they got on the plane. However, that thought must have blown straight through the ears of a majority of the flight roster as I was seated and no less than 7 Awkward Aislers were stuck in the aisle within arms reach of me during that trip. 4 of them used my chair for a leaning device.
That is an amazing coincidence, or I have emit some sort of pheromone that attracts eye-leve crotches.
I would wear a horned viking helmet to deter this sort of behavior, but the airlines tend to frown on that.
I will leave you with this as I prepare for a 20 hour flight in a few days, I don't know how you can protect yourself, but being aware is knowing, and knowing is at least one-third of the battle.
I also found this picture in my Google Image search for today's...piece? It is wholly unrelated but still is awesome and funny and I thought I would like to show it to you.
Don't forget to check out my YouTube Channel and catch up on all the awesome I am up to! Thanks SO much for reading! Let me know what you think with a comment!
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