CUPID IS A LITTLE BASTARD, and other tales of Valentine's Day love 2/15/2015

NICE TRY, CUPID.

I am not going out that easily.

On this Valentine's Day you tried to poison me.

Don't deny it.

DENIAL ISN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, CUPID.

Jerk.

But your plan didn't work.  I still live.  I still breathe.

Smells like socks in my building.  That's weird.

BUT BACK TO YOU AND YOUR CRIMES, CUPID.

I knew it was too good to be true.  To be this in love on Valentine's Day was something I was not accustomed to.  I wasn't used to the warm feeling, the tender longing, the need to be together.

But you struck at me through the very object of my affection.

You used my love against me.

You tried to take me out.

You failed.

And now I am back with a renewed vigor and appreciation for the finer things in life.  My love remains true.  As true as the arrow you tried to put in my back.

Well, stomach.

DON'T PLAY STUPID, CUPID.

You know what you did.

But to stoop to that level...I just cannot believe I would see the day.

What else can be said?

Now I bet some of you are sitting there...okay, well like the two people read this thing, but I bet at least 50% of them...40% of my two readers at the lowest, are wondering how could I possibly believe the soft, baby bottomed shooter of true love's arrow could try to poison me?

How could I think this adorable, honest, cherub of sweet affection would ever try to kill me?

I mean, just thinking about this cute little guy would get most people all like:

BUT DON'T BE FOOLED, PEOPLE.

This hovering, arrow-shooting, bare-behind baby son of a bitch is armed and dangerous.

I will tell you the whole story...

Never mind, I am too lazy.  I will sum it up.

I wanted Valentine's Day to be special.

I usually kind of skip this day, because...well if you've met me you get it.  But I wanted to spend my day tending to the object of my affection.

You see folks, I was in love.

I am almost remiss to show you a photo of the new beacon of light in my life...but I know I must if you are to understand how and why I feel the way I feel.

Ready?

GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!  OO-OO-OO

Yes.

Yes that is a meatball sub.

And I love it.

SAVE YOUR JUDGEMENT FOR CUPID.

This is real.

This is love.

Now, I knew a love like ours wouldn't be easy.  I mean, it isn't like you combine three ingredients and pop them in the oven on broil for a few minutes and out pops delicious love...

Yes folks, love is just this easy.

There are actually four ingredients, thank you very much.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Tell us how you met!"

Haha, you guys are too much!

Well, we met in the frozen foods aisle.  Now, I can cook for sure - I have worked in more kitchens than Black and Decker, but today I was more concerned with ease and convenience.  

But when our eyes met, I knew it was something special.

That and the yellow tape sticking the two boxes together that said "SPECIAL BUY ONE GET ONE FREE" made it pretty apparent this was going to be a transaction I would be happy to be a part of.

So, I guess it is true.  The grocery store is a good place to meet your soul mate.

I took them back to my place, I still can't believe it happened so fast.

But I was surprised to find out at the start how cold it was between us.  

It would be okay, you can't hurry love.

You'll just have to wait.

I just let things warm up - thaw out, I guess you could say.  We can try to find that connection - rekindle the fire between us - again tomorrow.

We played around together, you know, had some fun...

Oh the fair, I will always remember the fair...

Was this real?  Had I finally found "the one"?

As the Sun grew in the sky on the second day, as did the sizzle between us.  I added a little oil to make it that much more romantic.  This would be an experience I would never forget.

I was going to do this right.

This was going to be special...

Almost ready.

I got out the rolls - I was keen on trying a new technique I had come up with.  Inspiration strikes in the most wonderful of times.  I was tired of my meatball subs breaking or having a meatball slide out. 

Well, my friends...problem solved.  Cut that sucker in half, dig out some bread to make a comfortable nest for your precious cargo, and enjoy.

I felt as though Cupid was on my team - I thought this was my happily ever after.

But things were about to go sour.  Literally.

I set my oven to broil...you want a crunchy sub roll and the cheese to be perfectly melted.

I made my bread nest.  

A sprinkle of mozzarella underneath to help the meatballs settle into their new home.

I tenderly placed the gorgeously browned meatballs in the bread canoe of love.

Three spoonfuls of marinara sauce.  

Okay, let's be honest...It was four.

One more sprinkle of cheese and it was all but official between us.

I slide them carefully into the warm embrace of the oven...but I didn't let the two of them out of my sight.  the oven is my friend, but could I trust the two of them together...alone!?

A few minutes go by.

This was it.

However, Cupid, who up until this part had been a silent bystander, was about to make his move.

The smell...oh my dear readers, the smell of love is something everyone should enjoy.

And then...disaster.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It fell!  The long, slow motion descent to the kitchen floor!

I can see the look in that poor meatball subs eyes to this day...

I may never recover...

It fell.

Nay, it seemed to leap off my spatula.

Was it pushed?

Did I see something out of the corner of my eye?

Was it a chreub with a bow and arrow flittering off?

DID CUPID TRY TO MURDER MY LOVE!?

I saved what I could, I tried to rebuild my masterpiece...but it would never be the same.

Could we go back to how we were?

I had to try.

I had to believe.

I collected myself and sat down, plate before me.

What had happened to us?

Would it...could it ever be the same?

Did I really see Cupid try to kill my Valentine?

No.  He could never kill what my meatball sub and I had.  Our love was too strong.

I don't care what you look like, honey.  I am staying right by your side.

Okay, well, I mean...I will still eat you.

A few deep breaths and I took my sub gently into my hands.

And then he showed up in a pink fluffy cloud of hate. 

Cupid popped up as I took a bite.  Time seemed to stand still.

He drew his bow...but the tip  of this arrow was no heart.  It was vile and black.  It was designed to take me out.

The evil grin on his face as he shot me with the poisoned arrow was something I will also never forget.  I mean, look at this asshole:

You can tell right away this guy is evil.

Time restarted suddenly...I couldn't stop myself and I bit into the meatball sub.

I knew right away I had been betrayed.  Betrayed by Cupid on Valentine's Day.

This love I had left a bad taste in my mouth.  One I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.

All I can compare it to was the taste of marinara sauce which has gone bad.  Mostly because the marinara sauce had gone bad.  

It was like licking a car battery covered in ketchup.

Seriously - I would rather gargle rusty nails covered in motor oil than have that again.

I tried everything to rectify the situation.  I even made a new sub with new sauce that I didn't drop on the floor.  You have to start somewhere.

But no.  It was okay, I guess.  But it wasn't the same.  The trust had been broken between me and the meatball sub.

Will we still see each other now and then?  Sure.  There are still feelings there - but there is no more spark.

I will miss you, meatball sub.  I won't forget you.

And I will never forget this Valentine's Day...when Cupid stole my love.

I CAN'T GET YOU OUTTA MY MIIIIINID....MISS YOU, KISS YOU, LOVE YOU....THAT SAUCE WAS POIIISSOONNNNNN....

(and that will be my one Bel Biv Devoe Reference for the week)

How to fail at making a crystal dragon 2/8/2015

Way back about a month ago, I was on a mission to find Borax.  Apparently this is the most elusive of all chemicals in Bahrain.

Ended up filling out 3 pages of paperwork and getting a kilogram of the stuff for about $30 USD - the same amount in the USA would cost about $3 USD.

Oh well...I GOT IT.

That is all that mattered.

The reason I was on the hunt for this extremely dangerous chemical, (it is basically soap) was to do a project with the little critters, (Read bout the Litters here) down in the elementary portion of the building.  Since I wasn't able to find enough - and certainly was unable to afford it if I did - I decided to make snow and snowmen with them.

Good times were had - I think I nailed it.

But now I was left with a modest amount of Borax.  After making - well attempting to make - a snowflake by crystallizing some pipe cleaners, the Borax sat unused for a few weeks.  

Want to try your own?  So far everyone has had success but me...so clearly the directions are flawed. But you can go to this Snowflake Page to get the simple, almost impossible to screw up directions.

But it ouwln't do to just have the Borax sit there - I worked fairly hard, (ME!!) to get it.  So, I had to try something, so a plan was in order.

I worked out with my Australian connection that we would each make a pipe cleaner dragon and then Borax the ever-loving shit out of them.  

THIS WOULD BE AWESOME!

So a few weeks go by and I hadn't done a thing.

I still walked past the little pile of assorted pipe cleaners I was able to scrounge from work.  2 green, one purple, one orange, and one red.  

Not exactly my ideal dragon colors, but I can make this work.

Finally inspiration struck and I was off in my zone - creating art the world had never known.

In order to make a dragon, first you make a dragon...then you're actually pretty much done:

I KNOW, RIGHT!?  AWESOME!

Oh man, this is going to be epic!  I follow the directions perfectly to create the Borax solution - add boiling water and 3 tablespoons of Borax per cup of water.  

I softly...gently...ever so carefully insert the dragon into the water, and even seed it with a little more powdered borax to make sure I get crystals.

Everyone else I had told about making snowflakes was having massive success...so it was my turn!

I had dreams of this sort of action going on:

That's okay, I guess...if ya know...you WANT a perfect crystal snowflake...

So the dragon has to sit for about 24 hours.  The slow cooling of the water allowed the dissolved Borax to grow.  The longer the cooling, the bigger and better the crystals should be.

So everything was set...and within about 6 hours I was getting crystals.

THIS IS SO GONNA WORK!

I went to sleep with dreams of an 8 foot tall living, breathing crystal dragon waiting for me downstairs.

I woke up, showered and cleaned myself up...you know, to be presentable for the dragon.

It is all about first impressions, people.

Down the stairs...

So many damn stairs, by the way.  It is like I am descending from an Everest base camp.  I believe the air is actually thinner on my second floor.

Once I even ducked so I didn't bang my head into the International Space Station.

Truth.

Anyway, downstairs I go.  down the hall, around the corner.  The dragon soup I had made would be right there on the counter...

GET READY FOR SOME CRYSTALS!!!!

Oh.  Um. Well...maybe once I drain the water and take him out I will be able to see them better...

Okay.  Or not.

Now, don't get me wrong.  This thing is badass.

I know that.  

At any moment it could come alive through the power of crystal magic and burn this place to the ground.  But I was expecting...

...more?

I mean, I wasn't expecting this:

Okay, I totally was hoping for it, however.

But not something equivalent to this:

That looks incredibly painful, buddy.

So what went wrong?

My science head went into overdrive trying to figure it out.

I arrived at my conclusion that the water simply cooled too fast to get the crystals to really take shape and form the way I wanted them to.

I can fix this.  

Of course, there is risk.  This batch I make to redo the dragon will be the last batch I will be able to make.  The Borax supply is running a bit thin after the first attempt, it required a lot of water.

I had better get this right...

I decided to insulate the container from the cool energy-sucking counter top by placing the whole setup on a folded rag.

I then placed another rag on top of it all to help keep the heat in.

Then, I put a bit bowl over the whole contraption in order to keep any heat that did seep through still near the water.

I weighted down the ends to keep the rag taut over the water.

Ignore the obvious signs I have a drinking problem, if you please.

I set it near the fridge, which produces a warm current of air as it cools the air inside of it.

This was going to work.

I put it all together around 11 AM.  I didn't check it for about 12 hours before I went to bed.  Surprisingly it was still warm, which was exactly what I wanted.  When I looked the crystals were very small, and just starting to become visible - a huge change over the first attempt which had big crystals in just a few hours.

This was a photo from the first attempt, but the similarities are there:

I didn't check when I went to work at 6:30 AM this morning, but when I ran home to get some stuff I forgot I opened it up.

It had been 24 hours.

Time to reveal.

I ceremonially removed the yellow bowl.

I carefully dragged the dragon to the center of the counter.

I peeled back the rag...

WHY!?  WHY DID IT WORK PERFECTLY EVERYWHERE BUT HIS HEAD AND HIS ASS?

I don't have better photos for you - yet - I will update this with a part 2 entry tomorrow or the next day.  It is still in the water.  I am going to give it a few more hours to form.  Then I will drain the tub and really see what I have...though it seems as if my dragon is bald.

I somehow managed to crystal the heck out of every part of the dragon except for his head and his tail.  

Wings?

Legs?

Body?

Flames?

So what went wrong?

I have a few theories...

THE UNIVERSE FUCKING HATES ME is at the top of the list.

But I am not done yet - oh no, my friends.  I am going to try to save this poor, crystal-less dragon.

I will find a way, through just dipping the head and tail, or wrapping them in a wet towel soaked with the Borax solution...or something.

OH YES.  

THIS IS HAPPENING.

So, don't be all too surprised if you wake up to something similar to this - only with more awesome crystal skin: