I already have a mom, thank you 4/28/2015

I had to go to the dentist.

I don't have fond memories of my last dentist.

After sanding down the wrong tooth, then ruining and eventually having to remove the right one, he quietly closed up shop and vanished.

Now I know, it is the same old story.

Man meets dentist, man pays dentist, dentist removes mans favorite tooth because he sucks at his job, man gets mad and goes back, dentist has vanished into the night.

You've probably heard that old tale a million times...

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

So what is it about dentists in general that I dislike?

The smell?  Nah.  With all the places I have traveled the and the odors I have sniffed, the smell of my own skull being drilled out by a shaky handed unqualified quack doesn't really bother me so much.

Perhaps it is the waiting room?

I don't think so.  Just because I can read the same issue of TIME that my father's father's father read at the same office 70 years ago doesn't really annoy me.

Just because the magazines were actually written during the Dust Bowl...the fact they were actually chiseled during the eruption in Pompeii in 79 AD...the truth that some were even grunted during harnessing the power of fire doesn't make them any less entertaining.  

Besides, you can pass these same tattered scraps of parchment on to your kids and their kids until all that is left on the small table in the dentist's office is a pile of dust which will never be cleaned.

The waiting room often is a gallery of questionable characters. (Not you - you're perfectly normal)  I will admit it is annoying to see the guy or girl who clearly enjoys the experience of going to the dentist because their teeth are fucking perfect.

You know who they are.

Yes, I am aware that turned silly.

Don't blame me - blame Google Images and my amazing search skills.

But these people...er...and dogs and sharks, apparently...all know the dentist is going to high five them for their perfect teeth and brushing habits.  I am certain the scene is much like the dream sequence in A Christmas Story where Ralphie gets an A+++++++++++

You know it's true.

These people walk into the room and the dentist sits in the sweet reclining chair just to admire the chompers on these people.

I hate them.

So what is it?

What makes me dread the dentist?

Maybe I was on to something with my last idea - maybe it is because the rest of us get the opposite treatment of Little Suzy Perfect Face?

If you are like me, you don't have perfect teeth - and the reality of the fact that you can't get to every part of your teeth when you brush or rinse or whatever sets in when you sit in the chair and you hear the dentist let out a soft "sigh" as he or she pokes into your mouth.

You know your teeth need to be cleaned.  

That is why you scheduled a dentist appointment.

That is why the appointment is called "a cleaning".

So what is the problem?

I think it is form the inevitable lecture you know you are about to receive.

LOOK, DOCTOR TOOTH....

- I KNOW I "MISSED SOME SPOTS"

- NO, I DON'T FLOSS REGULARLY.  I KNOW IT SHOWS.  NO, I DON'T PLAN ON STARTING.

- JUST SCRAPE MY TEETH, MAKE ME SPIT IN THAT RIDICULOUS TINY LITTLE SINK, AND MAKE MY TEETH FEEL ALL AWESOME.  THAT IS WHAT I AM PAYING YOU FOR.

I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER WHO LECTURES ME, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE.

DO YOUR JOB, TOOTH FAIRY.

Gah!  I get it!  I am not the perfect tooth protector!  I know I need your help!  That is why I am here!  I don't remember asking the receptionist for a cleaning and a lecture - I am pretty sure I just asked for the cleaning.

Is this free?

You had better not be charging me for this!

Do the opposite of what you are forcing me to do and keep your mouth shut.  If there is something important you need to get across to me, send me a text message.  I know you won't waste time on a lecture there - it would take way too long to type.

I know you guys can send messages - I just looked up some of your shady conversations...

So that must be it.  I don't like the dentist like a lot of people don't like the dentist.  

Maybe they have their own reasons - but I am pretty sure now that I have reflected on the topic, mine is simply that I don't like being lectured by someone who loves mouths so much they decided to enter a profession with an amazingly high suicide rate in order scrape teeth for a living.

If I wanted a lecture, I would call my mother.

She is better at the guilt trip than you will ever be, buddy.  But I do appreciate the effort, dentist.

At my next appointment I will just hum the Jurassic Park theme song when my dentist begins to talk. 

No one can resist joining in on that!

Three opinions on India 4/19/2015

Before I get started, I should preface this with the facts:

- I just visited India for about 7 days

- It was for work, but I did get to do some sightseeing

- The country itself is beautiful and rich in history and culture

- The toilets in my hotel were comfortable and made my extended stays upon them quite bearable


Now, to my opinions:

Opinion Number One:

HOLY SHIT, INDIA! 

STOP MAKING MORE PEOPLE THE DAMN COUNTRY IS ALREADY FULL.

From www.worldmeters.info:

• The population of India is estimated at 1,267,401,849 as of July 1 2014.
• India's population is equivalent to 17.5% of the total world population.
• India ranks number 2 in the list of countries by population.
• The population density in India is 386 people per Km².
• 32% of the population is urban (410,404,773 people in 2014).
• The median age in India is 26.6 years.

Let's examine this more closely...

18% of the worlds population is in India.  There are just under 200 countries in the world today - depending on the mood in Eastern Europe at any given time the exact number does fluctuate, but 196 seems to be where we are at the time I wrote that statistic.

196 countries have 100% of the world's population.

1 country, India, has 20% of the world's population.

China just barely beats out India, and by 2030 estimates have India as the most populated country on the planet.

So, let me analyze these results for you into a nice, neat, scientific conclusion:

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, INDIA.

You want to have a kid, India?

Go for it.

You want to have two?

You know what?  Have at it.

But if you have 403 kids, it may be time to investigate a little something I like to call "Not having any more babies".

Yes, the population growth is actually on the decline - down to about 1.2% a year.  But let me explain numbers to you - 1.2% of a huge number is also a huge number.

The population of India grows by about 16 million people a year.  This means India will produce the entire population of the United States in about 19 years.

India cranks out the population of both Georgia and Massachusetts every 365 days.

That is 43,000 babies every day.

Know what that is?

That is a shit-ton of babies.  That is exactly what that is.

The country itself is not what I would call "overflowing with employment opportunities" - and no, the huge problem of forced labor camps for children doesn't count.  The average income for an Indian is about $1054 a year - and that is decreasing every year as jobs move away from the unskilled and into the realm of educated and skilled workers.

So, what can we do to stem this nearly unstoppable wall of adorable brown babies?

STOP HAVING SO MANY OF THEM.  SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU TRIED OTHER HOBBIES, LIKE KNITTING OR NOT MAKING BABIES!?

Opinion Number Two:

Could you please, PLEASE invest in a few trash cans?

Now, I know dirty.  I know it when I see it.  Where I live now it is nothing to toss things out of your car while driving or walk out of a store, pull your candy bar from the bag, then throw the bag and wrapper at your feet as you walk away.  

That is how it is here.

But I feel like even here, the installation and regular attention to waste bins would make the world of difference.  I am fully aware the reason we don't all get along is because a vast majority of us are assholes.  It is just how humans roll.  So I don't expect people to go right out of their way to find a bin, but at least give them the option!

In India, even in my decent hotel, I could not find trashcans anywhere.  I am not saying this will clean the whole place up.  I am not saying the complete and total disregard for litter and the environment in India is due to a lack of trashcans.  

What I am saying is even the occasional not-asshole doesn't really have the option to throw stuff away in a trashcan.  At the Taj Mahal I carried around a bag full of trash I picked up.  Not for the smell or any real fashion statement, but because there was no where else to put the stuff!  I had to throw it away on the bus outside of the entire complex.  No cans in the bathroom.  So take those paper towels you just used and toss them in the corner like everyone else.

With a population that will soon likely collapse the whole subcontinent into the mantle of the Earth, have a place to put everyone so they aren't standing in their own filth would be a plus.  But how to get people to use the bins?

If you want anyone in India to do anything - there is one sure-fire way to make it happen:

Cricket

Waiters stop mid-pour to watch a highlight.

Birds stop mid-flight when the game gets tense.

Murderers will stop mid-stab to watch a replay.

You know what worked in the US?  Little basketball nets cans.  Man, white people can't resist that!

Maybe try  little cricket wickets above all the lids.  I don't know the exact engineering specs - I am more of an idea guy, a muse, if you will.

You can do it, India!  I believe you can start to turn the pollution - and feral pig problem - around!

Besides, think of all the fun you will have dumping the trash over the border in Pakistan!

Opinion Number 3:

Just be honest - tell people they will get sick as all hell and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.

I understand this probably isn't the most glowing of all advertising campaigns, but India really needs to own up to this and create a more accurate expectation for the visitor.

Yes, I understand the food is spicy there. I ate the "spicy curry" and yes, it was spicy.  I also snack on jalapeno slices so spicy for me is different than spicy for other people.  But it isn't the spice that I am talking about - that can be avoided just by not ordering it.

If you ever do decide to visit, you will likely get "The Talk" from no less than 5 people before you go.  I will sum "The Talk" up here:

- Don't drink the water

- Don't eat the street food

- Nothing with ice in it

- Don't eat any fruit you don't peel

- Even if you peel it, be careful

- Don't wipe your nose or eyes

I could actually sum it up with an even shorter message: You're going to get to know your toilet well.

Now I know some of you are reading this - maybe you have been to India or know someone who has gone and didn't have the - oh let's be civil and call it an "upset stomach" - but for most people, it is another memory to take home with you.

Here is how this works:

Yes, it is quite easy to order the bottled water where you go.  However, things like what places use to wash the dishes, if they don't get the water for the tea hot enough, if you use the tap to brush your teeth, if you shower and water gets into your eyes or nose or mouth or a cut, if someone rinsed your food from the tap, or didn't wash their hands, and on and on and on.

So, here at Mr. E Goes Abroad Incorperated, we have developed this handy-dandy trip planning advice:

Day 1: Arrive in India

Days 1 - 3: HURRY AND SEE EVERYTHING YOU CAME TO SEE! GO GO GO!  SERIOUSLY YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEARN ALL SORTS ABOUT YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT BY THE 3RD DAY SO HURRY!

Day 4:  I told you.  Oh, did you pack your own 2 ply (at least) toilet paper?  I sure hope so.  If not, enjoy the new walking style you'll develop.  It is kind of like a cowboy who just got off of a horse for the first time in 4 days and has no ability to rotate at the waist.

Day 5:  Feeling better?  Awesome.  Now...hold on.  Nope...no you're not.  Just go back to the bathroom and try again tomorrow.

Day 6: Smell that curry?  Hey - where are you going?  

Day 7: Eat at McDonalds for the rest of your trip and never be more than a minute away from a bathroom and 10 seconds away from an Imodium.

Do yourself a favor and invest in a case of these babies:

Sweet merciful nectar of the gods.  I love this stuff.  If it was legal, I would make 43000 babies a day with it.  You are going to lose water out of places you really didn't expect to lose water.  Try drinking some - it is basically a race for your body as to which end it will be forced back out of first.

A few packets of this a day will keep you from turning into a human raisin at least.  

So India, just fess up and tell people the truth.  Plan at least 2 extra days of being attached to the toilet.

When the tourists come through customs and visa processing, just hand them a few packets of hydration salts, a few pills, and a roll of 2 ply.  It is the proper thing to do.

So there you have it - three opinions on India.

I would go on at length about how amazing the history and the architecture was of the forts and palaces, how incredible it was to be in the shadow of the Taj Mahal, and how delicious the local foods were.  I truly did have a good time touring and working with some amazing people over there that really make a difference and are people I am better for having met.

But, National Geographic and lots of other blogs seems to have that market covered - so I will talk about waves of brown babies, the trashcan-less society it is, and...um...stomach bugs.

Would I visit India again? 

I would.  I would come prepared with one suitcase full of hydration packets and pills, and another one empty to bring home all the elephant related gear I would buy.  It really is an amazing place - and if nothing else, it has impressed me with how much they can do with so little there.  The people were friendly and the kids I worked with were amazing - 100%.  Unfortunately the country seems to be growing faster than it can handle and conditions don't seem as though they're on track to get better any time soon.

So if you do want to visit, I would go soon before everything is uniformly covered with a 3 meter thick layer of people.

What is the difference for $800, Alec 4/7/2015

Being an expat I guess requires explaining what it is, and how my thoughts on it have changed.

I used to think of an expat as this dirty blonde haired white guy with a killer tan who ran a business on the beach.  I would think of Ernest Hemingway and Humphrey Bogart.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Now that is a romantic life!

I didn't picture 6 Indian guys living in a room sending every extra coin they can home to their extended family.

That is not a romantic life, and therefore certainly not an expatriate one.

It has certainly never occurred to me that the white guy running the business in the Caribbean, the old novelist sipping wine, the owner of Rick's Cafe in Casablanca and little 22 year old Sanjit from India hurriedly bagging my groceries at Lulu are essentially all the same.

There was a difference, right?  Some are expats, and others are often called immigrants or migrant workers. But, terms like "migrant worker" or "immigrant" or any of the same just don't apply to Ernest Hemingway and Humphrey Bogart.

Think about it for a minute.  If someone asked you to describe the difference between "expat", "migrant worker" and "immigrant", what would you say?

I will tell you my answers before I left and got out of the United States:

Expat - white collar job holders who left their country to work in another.  These are professionals who have been selected by companies to work in another country, sought out and paid for their talents the home country can't provide.

Migrant Worker - Blue collar job holders who left their country to work in another.  They can be legal or illegal - I have heard the term describe both.  These are people who have sought out to leave their country to make more money somewhere else.

Immigrant - This one actually stumped me when I thought about my definition.  I have worked in bars and kitchens for half of my life, and this word was thrown around to describe the guys in the back.  When I thought how could I differentiate between this and migrant worker, I justified it to myself as "an immigrant doesn't have to work - like a mother who comes with her kid and husband, but stays home to raise the children" but an immigrant can be a migrant worker...but not the other way around.  Easy, right?

I was serious to myself and realized something was very wrong here.

And I bet if you are serious with yourself you probably have some trouble defining each clearly and effectively different from the others even though you hear the terms all the time and know exactly what they mean when you hear them.

You hear them on the nightly news, in casual conversation around the water cooler, and online articles and stories.  You know these words are different.

So what is the difference...really?

I will just give you the straight Dictionary Definitions:

So an Expatriate is someone who lives outside their country of birth.  

Fair enough...

And an Immigrant is someone who lives in another country.  

That makes sense...

And a Migrant (Worker) is someone who moves to another place in hopes of a better life.  

I see now...

Well, they are a little different...

I mean, it isn't like expat is a synonym of migrant which is a synonym of immigrant...

I mean...

Um...

So I guess my point is the differences we think we know in these words comes from a cultural superiority maybe?  Maybe, much like me, (even if I denied it to myself) my envisioning of an expat was a white guy - a professional.  My envisioning of a migrant worker was a Mexican guy - someone who just came and took any old job they could.  And my envisioning of an immigrant was confused, but I guess I settled on just about the same as a Migrant Worker, but also included people with no jobs.

I never would have called Julio, my friend from years back when I worked at a bar in my last home town, an expatriate.  And sad thing is, he wouldn't have either.

Expats aren't white, though it seems the word has kind of come to mean that.  When I even analyzed my own personal definitions of the words that is kind of where it was headed.

Why is it when an American leaves the US for a job they are an expat, and when a Nigerian moves to the US to be a nanny they are a migrant worker?  It sure isn't the definitions.

Maybe it is because of the difference between an immigrant wanting to stay permanently and an expat being able to leave at any time?  There are millions of white expats that have become permanent residents of other nations to retire...do they then get referred to as immigrants?

Nope.  Still expats.

I don't have real plans to return to live in the US any time soon.  In fact, I wouldn't mind settling in another country to live.  At what point do I change from immigrant to expat - when I get citizenship?  

At what point did Julio turn from expat into immigrant - after he got citizenship?

But that is different, right?

How did it come to be that an "immigrant" is something you don't want to be?  Does the word have leftover connotations for Europeans?  Is it an unwelcome bunch of people coming to your country?  I know in the US that is how it is thrown around.  

And yet it never occurred to me to refer to my hematologist, an Indian guy, as an expat either.  And he was most welcome.

300 years ago Irish coming to the US for work and a better life were immigrants and generally not wanted.

Now Irish coming to the US for work and a better life are expatriates and are sought after.

I know I am rambling, but recently it has just been on my mind - the difference and how calling someone one or the other immediately denotes how you can treat them.  In the UAE migrant workers can't strike or join unions...but expats can.  Migrant workers are actually treated like slave labor by some employers - but they would never dream of taking the passport and holding it from an expat.

Why?  What is the difference?

It seems like the reason the words mean different things is just so we get to think of, and even treat people differently.

So give it a try and see if you can find your own definitions instead of just using the ones people around you have been throwing around.

Maybe you disagree with me and you have legitimate differences between them.  Hey, good for you.  I am glad you took the time to think about it, and hopefully it was interesting to debate it with yourself or even a co-worker.

But at the end of the day, in the dictionary, an immigrant is someone who migrated for work and became an expatriate.

And of course, all of this is just my opinion.  We are free to define things how we want, but it is a worthwhile and honest task to at least have a look at how we define them, and why.

And no - this will not turn into an philosophical debate blog.  Last time I spent hours editing a monkey gland sauce movie that ended up being quite terrifying.

Gah.

Monkey Gland Sauce.

The funny stuff will return next time.  I am off to India in a few days with a dozen teenagers so there will be plenty to talk about!

Here are a few links to some sources I referred to to help clarify my own definitions:

http://www.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2011/apr/11/mind-your-language-expat-brits

http://www.antropologi.info/blog/anthropology/2011/expats-and-migrants

http://www.newser.com/story/204085/difference-between-expat-immigrant-how-white-you-are.html

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