So I can't eat it? Then no. No I don't want an "integral"
Oh me? Why it just so happens I am referring to my current desert predicament. While drinking the water here is tantamount to punching your internal organs with a chainsaw, still having running water is considered useful in many cultures.
Like mine. My culture really likes running water.
Now saying my water doesn't run would be a bit of a falsehood. Water does come out. I would have better luck filling a glass with the dehydrated tears of a crying child than my faucet, but it does in fact make water drip.
So this means I can't water my plants.
Big Deal!?
So now my lawn will burn up a little.
So what!?
So now when I want to take a shower I have to fill up two cups overnight and use soap and my sink to take a whore's bath.
Who car...wait what?
So I have to walk to work every time I need to use the bathroom as I am not entirely certain my toilets will refill again.
No go back to the whore's bath thing for a sec...
That's right everyone. A whore's bath. Now, we have all done this before since we are all whores to some extent. Just because you do it or have done it doesn't make you a whore, it just makes it funny it is called a whore's bath and you've taken one.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU WASH THE P'S EVERYONE!
THE PITS AND THE P****
(insert gender correct term there)
I can't make this shit up, because someone already did.
Anyway, now that I have dropped knowledge on you I will go on with my tale of woe and WHOA THAT IS COLD.
I take two large cups and put one under the kitchen faucet and one under the tap in my bathroom. Come morning I have two full cups.
I told you it was a raging flow of water.
The issue is that the water is cold. I would use the popular colloquialism "cold as balls" but I think the irony would be too much to bear.
SHUT UP, IRONY BEAR!
Okay, no water. I have the bottled stuff so that isn't so bad. And if I really have to "go" the walk to work is pretty quick. I quit drinking for a while so that wouldn't be an issue. Hell, I even stopped eating.
Not like it was my choice. I AM BANKRUPT! 2 BD TO MY NAME!
You see, in America there is this bank...let's call them BB&T to protect the innocent. I have banked with them for my whole life - nearly **coughcough**18**coughcough** years. They have been fairly consistent in that I don't bother them, and they rarely bother me. However, this time they really went for it. On Friday morning they decided to lock my account. They didn't tell me, just said "aw fuck it" and clicked the lock button. Why you ask? THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION!
Let me log into my account and...
let me log in and...
Dafuq?
But have no fear! They leave a phone number so I can call them....
I think maybe you see the issue now.
I can't call them. In fact, when I sent a desperate plea for some help because I can't call them, they responded by giving me a phone number to call.
Buy a calling card! Yes! Of course! I will just go and...and...well nuts. Those cost money.
Call from work! Yes! Oh..you can't? I guess that makes sense.
Finally it occurs to me...
SKYPE!
YES! You can call any 800 number in the world with Skype! I am so in! Oh...it is a 443 number?
Oh. Well shit.
So I finally find a way to call. It is Saturday here, I haven't gone to the food store in a day but have some rations. Of course, it is closed on a Saturday. I mean, sure they locked the account right before they locked the doors. I tried again Sunday, and same result.
But Monday! Yeah Monday is a bank holiday. Columbus Day.
NO, IT WAS TONY THE TIGER.
Seriously? Is that still a thing? I thought we were done with Columbus!? We know he wasn't really trying to go to India. We know he landed in the West Indies, and we know in general he was a pain in the ass and a liar. Isn't this over? The damn vikings "discovered" the inhabited land of North America around the end of the first millennium. It isn't an uncommon thing to know all of this now.
Look Olaf! Is that New York? Let us turn around and go back to Canada...they're friendlier there.
You know what? I tried to walk to the library bathroom and got lost and ended up in IT with three Filipino guys working in there so do I own that place now!?
Wait, do I? I could use some help with this Adobe Update...
So I haven't had a real meal in a while - save the little Tupperware thing of pasta and a sausage the nicest family in the world gave me on Sunday afternoon. This morning I had a spoonful of peanut butter on half of an enchilada tortilla. Last night for dinner was a can of dry tuna on half an enchilada tortilla and some crackers brought by the nicest family ever.
I knew I was dependent on my bank card - but this is ridiculous! And I think my favorite part is the day they locked my account was the day my local bank card arrived. I found out - you know, since they locked it and then rolled out for the long weekend without notifying a brotha - when I went to transfer funds into the account so I didn't have to pay the outrageous fees every time I used my card here.
Even dogs know it is all about timing. AND EATING FIRE RAWRRRRR!
So here I sit with a non-working American Card full of money I can't use and a working local card with no money I can use. My plants and lawn are dying, and I have to wash my self in a sink and I am close to eating sweet relish with a spoon.
I will try again tonight, and I was just assured for the third day in a row my water would be working by the days end. I am a hungry and smelly little whiner right now.
So no, I am honestly not that upset about it anymore. This layer of filth I am accumulating actually makes me look like I have a tan so I am in no hurry to step back into the shower again to be pale.
I always keep a tauntaun handy just in case I feel an ice tan coming on.
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