Not the guy from Mary Poppins, though he turned out to be a pretty solid old chap. Cheerio's and shit. He then went on to almost beat Herbie and was a magician that thwarted a Nazi invasion just with some Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Murder She Wrote on a stick.
Suck it, Schwarzenegger.
While you were Pumping Iron and "havink da senzathun of cumming" Mr. Banks was pumping fucking lead into the German war machine. Go back to da choppa, Arnie.
This actually happened.
(Seriously - I loved you in Junior)
Banks.
I am not a fan of the whole idea of a bank handling my money, which is why I keep the $36 dollars I have managed to save through hard work, (taking peoples change from their desks during fire drills) and I keep it safely hidden away in my wallet. I do so because I lost my wallet about 8 months ago and I have no idea where it could be. But my money is safe from the greatest threat to my money there is...me.
If I have 5 bucks in my pocket...is Uncle Sam going to spend it?
No, he is not.
Maybe if I had 12 Dinars in my shirt pocket Uncle...um...Ahmed maybe...would try to spend it?
Negative.
What If I put 19 Euros in my bra is handsy Uncle AustriaBelgiumBulgariaCroatiaRepublic of CyprusCzechRepublicDenmarkEstoniaFinlandFranceGermanyGreeceHungaryIrelandItalyLatviaLithuaniaLuxembourgMaltaNetherlandsPolandPortugalRomaniaSlovakiaSloveniaSpainSweden and the UK going to spend it?
Not a chance.
And I don't want Uncle Financial Institution spending it either.
And don't tell me my money isn't generating interest, I keep it in the front of my pants all coiled into a cash tube that would make a roll of dimes jealous. Not quarters, let's just be real about this. My money generates interest every time I thrust my hips and grab the air above my head and make sweet love to the atmosphere. It certainly generates interest when it is just me and one other person on the bus and I stand next to them, rubbing my money pit against them...just to let them know I am financially secure with my manhood. It is my wonder wad.
This is why I love Google.
Just a personal preference, I only keep large denominations in my pants lest I scare the public with my mega-wad-o'-ones. A 20, Two 5's and six singles. Non-sequential. I know how terrifying it would be to see a roll of 36 singles coming at you. Public be all like: "Is he just a terrible day-shift stripper or a great waiter at Golden Coral Buffet after working a double on Endless-Cholesterol Sunday"?
I don't want to leave any doubt that this wad had a purpose.
This wad has a goal.
This wad is getting kind of sweaty.
My crotch has a mix-tape. Download it for free using AOL from your bedroom in the 90's.
I know what you're thinking: But Mr. E, I want to know about how you plan for your future?
I brought enough lunch meat and lettuce to make sandwiches this whole week at work. I am planned as fuck right now.
Maybe I should invest my money, perhaps? Play the market? Maybe diversity my fuck you....if I had to give my money to a glasses-wearing white guy who crunches numbers all day and is completely out of touch with reality, I will just keep it, thank you very much.
Don't hate the player, hate the lame.
I drive way too recklessly to even worry about that. If my death doesn't make America's Funniest Home Videos or go viral on YouTube then I have failed. I want people to remember my life like they remember the first Rocky movie:
* The beginning was slow and it is crystal clear, so is the main character,
* The middle was iffy and made you stick around, but only because you knew it was building up to a spectacular ending
* The ending was something that made you walk out of the place cheering and high-fiving people you don't even know. Maybe punch someone? I haven't really thought any of this through and I'm just not terribly picky about what sort of hand contact is initiated, I just want a lot of it. Palm or fist - maybe mix it up and keep everyone on edge.
Wasn't weird til Kirk started licking Spock's palm.
The whole idea of giving someone else my money to help me make more because they are "professionals" and they are more "qualified" and they aren't as "dangerously irresponsible" as me is kind of foreign. But maybe I should invest in stocks. Maybe I should create a "nets-egg" and worry about my financial security, my future isn't guaranteed and I should really take a little better care of my moneOH MY GOD IS THAT A CABINET PAC MAN GAME ON EBAY?
Sorry Pinky, Blinky, Inky and Clyde. No college fund for you. Now get me a pretzel.
I suppose I did maybe imply this blog would have to do with my travels abroad and all of that wholesome excitement, so to keep this a travel blog I should mention my banking experience here:
It was awesome! I got there on a Saturday, only waited for maybe ten minutes, the guy remembered me and sent me on my way all set up. It was way different than that time in 1998 in the US when I went to the bank to open an account and it was closed and I never went back. That kind of experience will scar a man for life. If only the bank had been open as I stumbled drunkenly towards the door at 2:30 am trying to find a bathroom, this would have all turned out different.
I'm looking at you, CitiBank. You did this to me.
Jerk.
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