Baa Baa Brunch and why it is unlucky to be my villa 11/30/2014

Let me start off by telling you this...

This just about sums up my mood right now.

I don't go around bragging about myself.

I don't tell people I am super cool.

I really don't like to show off.

But there are some things you can't hide.  Some things will always come to light no matter how badly you wish they would just not do that "coming to light" thing...and that is my almost impossible to comprehend unlucky streak.

(You will get the "light" joke in a bit...it is so totally worth the wait!)

So let's start off with the goodness.  

Thanksgiving came to Bahrain!

There was a lovely dinner at my bosses place, but I had something else important I had to take care of.  My friend came in from Australia and I had to be at the airport to pick her up.  Believe it or not, everything went perfectly.  She arrived on time, got through customs relatively easily, and all of her luggage showed up.

I must admit, Bahrain nailed it!

We had a great time on Thursday catching up and watching bad movies - and prepared ourselves for the brunch on Friday my friend had found.

I had never heard of this restaurant, but once we got to the hotel I knew the place.  I had been lost there before, so I knew exactly where it was without knowing where I was.  Turns out this is quite a lovely little spa. 

It even had the one thing that will make me want to get into a pool...

No, YOU didn't zoom in well enough...

Let me try this again with a little help from a top notch photo editing program I like to call MS Paint...

DO YOU SEE IT!!??  Isn't it gloooooorious?

Now, we didn't go to the pool bar.  It was raining and I didn't want to get wet by sitting outside...

Ahem.

At the pool bar...

Didn't want to get wet...

I am NOT sorry about that joke.

So we went inside this place called Zytoun.  It was a self proclaimed Mediterranean Grill and seemed to look the part.  We got there just as it opened and they were setting out the food.  This giant silver bowl with lid sat in the background.  My friend said it was rice.  I made the comment, "That makes sense, but that is a lot of rice.  I just didn't want to open it and find a whole lamb curled up inside haha"

And, that is when I knew there had to be a whole lamb inside.

And you know what?

There was a whole freakin' lamb inside.

I think lamb are cute little critters.  I mean here is one taking a selfie:

Even sheep are using SnapChat now...

However, there are some instances where these little adorable creatures look less cuddly and more bubbly...like when they are laying on a bed...

...OF RICE!!

I was going to eat the eyes but then I thought why not save that treat for someone else?  Someone like, oh I don't know...SATAN!?

But, apart from the delicious murdered lamb the brunch was satisfying.  Something about triple-fisting wine, beer, and champagne all at once while having unlimited food around just makes sense to me.  And, they served coffee in these teeny tiny little coffee mugs that didn't fit into my pocket as well as the cheese knives did.

We left Zytoun feeling fat full and happy.  Caught a quick cab to Domain to show my Aussie friend the sunset from the top of Bahrain - as well as enjoy a few 4 BD (about $11 USD) Heineken.  

That place isn't pretentious at all.  

Not pretentious.

Maybe a teeny bit...

But I suppose the view really makes up for all that:

If you're into that sort of thing, I guess it is "okay"

My other friend, (the one that is SO SUPER EXCITED about the snowflakes) met us for a few drinks, and after trusting our GPS like a bunch of fools, we ended up at the Sherlock Holmes Bar instead of Kicks, but all was well.

A nice little place, but it became fairly obvious I had had too many when I played an entire game of pool and only sank one of my own balls accidentally.  I like to leave people impressed with me.

We cash out and make our way home.

Ah, home.  There is something really satisfying about home.  That is, of course, unless your home was victim to a power surge that not only blew all the fuses and shut off all your appliances and electronics, but also will cost you hundreds of dinars to replace the equipment that was destroyed by the jolting electricity.

That is the home I came home to.  

Just like the zombie chicken smell, I was the only one lucky enough to have this happen.

Now, don't get me wrong, I would rather it happen to me than a villa with a family and kids and all that, but at the same time it would be kind of reassuring to know that this stuff doesn't always have to happen to me.  Other people can have stuff happen to them as well.

But not this time.

The crews worked on my villa from 11 AM to about 10 PM with zero progress.  One assured me they would be done by the time they left.  The next one assured me it would be fixed by tomorrow.  And the last one assured me they would try to get the Ministry involved because this is a pretty big problem and it won't be resolved any time soon.

But, even though my stereo is melted, my PlayStation is burnt up, my laptop is dead, and all my food is ruined I was still able to find a way to make it all bearable...

Thank you to my neighbors for not thinking I was crazy when I showed up at their door with 30 foot of electric extension cord...

The TV was off when the surge hit so it survived.  The PlayStation and Laptop, as I mentioned earlier, have ceased to be.  I mentioned these to my boss in the hopes that he would take pity on me since they put me in the cursed villa, but I got no reaction that would indicate any help replacing the items that were destroyed.  I will try again but I think this one will just have to come out of my pocket.

It is a good thing I am making good money, because I couldn't afford to be this unlucky otherwise.  I am grateful it is cool enough outside not to die without the AC, and for a friend from Australia who is entirely more tolerant of this situation than I am.

Oh hey, does that "light" joke make any more sense now?

Nailed it.

All in all we got by just fine and had some good times watching more bad movies from my USB drive, and then ended up watching some of those marvelous Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes shows from the 1980's.  So even though I didn't have any turkey, I am still thankful for good friends and for my villa not catching fire and burning us alive.

It's the little things...

Carrom boards and the inevitability of wallet magic 11/26/2014

So, last time we checked in with our hero, (me) he, (I) was in a desperate search for borax to basically save Christmas for a bunch of students who don't celebrate it.

Maybe he was trying to save himself?

Maybe he was trying to recapture some of the Christmas spirit that had been lost when he moved to the Middle East?

Maybe if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it jumped?

The world may never know...

Frogs are adorable!  How did I not notice this before!?

So with the help of strangers on the internet and a lot of help from more different strangers on the internet, I was finally able to track down Borax.

Well, not Borax-Borax...but Borax.

Huh?

I shall elucidate...

I went to a Expat site and asked someone I trusted about where to find Borax.  Not only did she go above and beyond to track down what I needed, she also taught me an important lesson about Bahrain.

I will start with the "above and beyond" part...

I asked her since she had been on-island a while where I could find this stuff.  The internet suggested I try pharmacies, which I did, but with no luck.  I looked in hypermarts and little Nesto's in the Riffa souk.  Nothing.

She immediately swept in like a super hero and started emailing and asking around.  In about 24 hours she had the answer...

Carrom Board Powder.

Yeah, I had no idea either...

This is a Carrom Board:

A coffee table with cup holders?  Nope!  Carrom!

So there ya go.  Carrom.  Got it?

Yeah, me neither...

TO THE INTERNET!

Taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrom

Carrom (also known as Karrom) is a "strike and pocket" table game of Eastern origin similar to billiards and table shuffleboard. It is found throughout the East under different names though most non-eastern people know it by the East Asian name of Carroms (or Karrom). It is very popular in Nepal, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and surrounding areas. In South Asia, many clubs and cafés hold regular tournaments. Carrom is very commonly played within families, including the children, and at other social functions. Different standards and rules exist in different areas.

Did you read that?

I sure didn't.

I will sum it up for you:

You hit things with other things to make them fall into the pocket things.

I have not played it "for realsies" but I played a free online version, and apart from the usual frustration I feel when I really and terrible at something, the game is pretty fun.

So what does the game of Carrom have to do with Borax snowflakes?

Nothing.

BUT!  The powder you put on the Carrom Board in order to keep scratches down, and make pieces slide easier, turns out to be made from Boric Acid quite often.

What does Boric Acid have to do with Borax that has to do with Carrom that has to do with snowflakes?

Everything.

Borax is the basic mineral that is mined from the ground, and it is then refined through processing into boric acid. 

So, in theory, I can take the powder used to lubricate the Carrom Board Game people in Bahrain love to play in order to crystallize pipe cleaners into snowflakes for kids.

IT IS SIMPLICITY ITSELF!

It's elementary, My Dear Wah Wah Watson!

To be honest, this is all the leg work from my friend on the Expat site.  I am simply reaping the rewards of her clever network in Bahrain.  And I am totally cool with that.  I have no problem claiming total dominance in the clever department because I don't think she reads this blog.

I also said she taught me a valuable lesson about Bahrain...

I lied.

No no, she did.  She showed me that there are people willing to help all over, and maybe...just maybe...it is okay to ask for help from time to time.  Especially if it means not having to steal Borax from some chemical facility and risk incarceration and deportation.

Asking for help is the better option...sometimes.

So I have food dye, I have Carrom Board Powder (which you can find at most Indian run Cold Stores), and I am now working on the pipe cleaners.

Well, when I say: "I am now working on the pipe cleaners" I actually mean that "the homeroom teacher who is TOTALLY excited for these snowflakes is really doing all the looking for pipe cleaners."

I actually say Lycopersicum Esculentum...just to be a dick.

So this looks like it is going to happen.  Snow in Bahrain!?  Look how one idiot with Google and a dream of making science happen in little classrooms can change the world.  Well, it changed mine anyway...and hopefully the kids like it and don't stage a rebellion and hunt me mercilessly with their tiny pitchforks and adorable torches.

I would hate for that to happen again.  

Once?  Okay, mistakes are made.

Twice? Well, I suppose coincidences do happen...

Three time in a week?  You're cursed, bro.

Though I believe I really am cursed.

An old curse, one that plagues many I would think.

It is a curse that will nag you from your teens to your deathbed. 

I am, of course, talking about the Curse of the Wallet Magic.

Just imagine one of those.  A dramatic one.  Like Star Wars, but more terrifying...

What is the Curse of the Wallet Magic?

It is a diabolical one, indeed.

It is the curse where you need 10 BD, but you only have 9.500 in your wallet.

It is the one where you need to give someone 1 BD, but you only seem to have a 20.

I know, I know, I shouldn't complain because I do have money in my wallet.  So all in all, the curse is kind of bullshit, BUT IT IS STILL A CURSE!

IT COUNTS, DAMMIT!

I went to get a Snapple at the coffee shop I sit at from time to time.  1.550 BD.  I had 1.500.  WHO CHARGES 1.550 BD FOR STUFF!!??

Jerk-faces, that's who.

I had to use a 5.00 BD note.

Then I stop at the market here and get some salad bits to take into work for lunch.  Total was 5.200 BD.  I only had a 5 and a 20.

I handed the cashier a 20 and waited for him to stop staring at me with disgust...

I bought a bunch of mousetraps at Manazel...3.750 BD.  I had 3.500 BD.  I had to use a credit card to buy mousetraps.

I almost broke down and sobbed.  The curse was winning.  I was losing my will to pay.

I was at the store yesterday and my items came to 15.000 BD.  I was stunned.  Perhaps the curse had been lifted?  I had EXACTLY 15.000 BD in my wallet!

Huzzah!

But then...the cashier grabbed an item back and looked at it.  

THE BABY CARROTS HADN'T SCANNED!  

NOOOOOOO!

So I ended up 1.100 BD short.  Break out the world's heaviest credit card, (Thanks Chase International - I love it!) and pay that way.

But things are turning around.  

With the success of the possible borax snowflakes I feel as if the winds have changed.  It has rained here, it will snowflake here, I am about to get paid in a week...yeah.  It'll be okay.

BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T YOU ADORABLE, CARING, HEAVY BREATHING BEAST OF CUTENESS?

I am the Borax, I speak for the snowflakes 11/24/2014

DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL SNOWFLAKES ARE!?

Nuh uh.

Check these babies out...

AWESOME.

AWESOME.

AWESOME.

AWESOME.

AWESO...Oh...well, that is kind of hurtful...

So you have to admit now that I have demonstrated through copy & paste the beauty and awesomeness of snowflakes, that they are indeed, awesome.

So I was trying to impart this to my students.  Living in Bahrain doesn't give me the chance to talk about snowflakes very often...kind of like making high pitched kissy noises at a puppy.  Just a head tilt and a "baroo?"

What the hell is a "snew brake" you psycho?  I hate this class...

So I don't mention them often.

Or at all.

You don't get mad at the guy in Greenland not telling his students the meaning of SPF in sun block, so don't you go and judge me.

But I was all about precipitation today, as last night it happened.  

As if my dear blog had inspired the gods of wetness to act, it rained.  Not like, a lot.  Or even, like, "some",..but there were definite drops falling from the sky.  I even tried to film the lightning, but you know how that goes.

AMAZINGLY.

 I AM A MASTER PHOTO TAKER! I MEAN VIDEO TAKER!

Okay fine.  The pictures I took mainly look like this:

Terrifying.

But despite my failure to document the rain and thunder and lightning, it really got me excited for sky water.  

So I came to work and realized I needed to have my high school age students work with a much, much younger group and it should somehow relate to my class AND Bahrain National Day.

Oh boy.  This outta be good...

I don't know anything about kids - other than they carry a massive amount of diseases and it is illegal to fight one in public.  So this was going to be a real test...

Or so I thought...

Then I remembered the rain and the thunder and the lightning - my brain started calculating and remembering facts long forgotten.  Languages unfolded before my eyes.  The Universe bowed to my whims...space and time were my puppets carrying out my commands.

Some people would say I just, "Googled kids science projects" but I really think my description is more accurate.

But my eyes were immediately drawn to something I remember doing in middle school.  

BORAX SNOWFLAKES!

Now...how would one tie a "snowflake" to a desert island that has never...and I mean never...seen a snowflake.

Their knowledge of snowflakes is about as deep as my knowledge of what a girl really wants...that is to say - "zero" "zip" "zilch" "nada" "goose egg" "nil" "zippy" and on and on.

Bahaha...you guys remember DVD's!?  Haha!  What a bunch of cavemen we were 8 years ago...

So I found this project.  Honestly, it is so simple, (and frankly - awesomesauce as well) that you can't go wrong.  Here is how it goes:

Taken from: http://britton.disted.camosun.bc.ca/snow/boraxsnowflake.html

Borax Crystal Snowflake
Grow a snowflake in a jar!

You will need:   string wide mouth pint jar white pipe cleaners blue food coloring (optional) boiling water (with adult help) borax (available at grocery stores in the laundry soap section, as 20 Mule Team Borax Laundry Booster - NOT Boraxo soap) pencil

Directions:

With a little kitchen science you can create long lasting snowflakes as sparkly as the real ones. Cut a white pipe cleaner into 3 equal sections. Twist the sections together in the center so that you have a "six-sided" star shape.  

Pipe cleaners and string form a snowflake base for the crystals to grow on.

If your points are not even, trim the pipe-cleaner sections to the same length. Now attach string along the outer edges to form a snowflake pattern. Attach a piece of string to the top of one of the pipe cleaners and tie the other end to a pencil (this is to hang it from). Fill a widemouth jar with boiling water. Mix borax into the water one tablespoon at a time. Use 3 tablespoons of borax per cup of water. Stir until dissolved, (don't worry if there is powder settling on the bottom of the jar). If you want you can add a little blue food coloring now to give the snowflake a bluish hue. Insert your pipe cleaner snowflake into the jar so that the pencil is resting on the lip of the jar and the snowflake is freely suspended in the borax solution. Wait overnight and by morning the snowflake will be covered with shiny crystals. Hang in a window as a sun-catcher or use as a winter time decoration.  

But how could I tie this into Bahrain culture or pride?

OH SNAP DID YOU KNOW THEY MAKE RED PIPE CLEANERS!!??!!??

So the plan now is to get rid of the blue dye, start with the red cleaners and then just have a clear flake crystallize around it.

RED AND WHITE!

IT WAS BORN TO BE A SNOWFLAKE!

The way I see it, this is going to be a great project!  Some kids have never seen a snowflake!  I have a hard time imagining it, but it is true and I can show them what they (sort of) look like.  

Some of the other students here are from expatriate families - maybe they grew up with snow but haven't seen it in years?

And, to top it all off, they can all make little Bahrain snowflakes together and bond and be Global Citizens and I will just sit right here for my educator of the millennium award.

Shush, I know it is only 2014 but I think we can call this contest right now.

Look what they can make!!

AWESOME.

AWESOME.

AWESO...Oh...Well, you tried...

I tell my high school students, and they are fired up!  

Great!

I tell the teacher of the class we will come to teach the kids how to make snowflakes, and she goes nuts!

Awesome!

Everyone is so excited!

I guess the only thing that could go wrong is I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND BORAX IN BAHRAIN.

In the USA it is practically lining the streets...it never occurred to me that it would be such a hard pull here.  Now, to be clear, I am not saying they don't have it.  I am saying that through translation issues and me being new, I have no idea where to get this stuff.

I am currently scouring the net and people to find this stuff, so if any of you happen to know where I can get this stuff in a hurry - so no, I can't order it - I would be mildly grateful for several hours.

In the end, I know it will work.  This will get sorted out and someway, somehow, even if there is only one box left, I will find it.

Snowflakes will happen.

And each and every snowflake will be different...just like every single other one...

Wait...

The most truthful lie ever told, and why I will always be obese, apparently 11/23/2014

At a small event at my work this past week, there was a table set up to read people's BMI and give them a printout in observation of "Diabetes Awareness Month."

I am not saying it doesn't deserve its own month, but November?  Thanksgiving's month?

Really?

Not very subtle, diabetes.  At least do April or something when people realize they will be wearing less clothes in the summer and should have probably not taken 3 months off from the gym while enjoying the fact that it is "Buy one-get one Quarter Pounder at McDonalds" all winter.

All I am saying is no one here will pass up another slice of turkey or another ladle of mashed taters because they are aware of diabetes.  They may, however, not have that 6th handful of Easter jelly beans if you had your month in April.

Haha no...no they totally still will.

And this will be stuck in my head for at least a week...

But there is another reason I am writing to you, dear reader, today.

We were selling brownies and cakes and cookies next to this healthy living booth, (guess which booth got more business) and finally one of the girls at the BMI booth asks if we want to get out "Diabetes Prediction" read.

No.  I don't want you to predict when I will get diabetes.

Now pass me another 6 years off my life expectancy, please...

Why not?  Oh I don't know.

Maybe I am shy about giving out my vitals to strange girls in booths?

Maybe I don't want to get whatever healthy cooties you may have?

Or maybe I am tired of being called "Obese" by these tests.

Now, I am not skinny.  I will never be skinny.  I don't want to be skinny.  Like almost every other American I would like to "just lose another ten pounds."

The way it works is, I get on on the scale and get weighed and measured.  Then they divide some numbers using the power of witchcraft and guilt trips and come out with "You are obese. Now, try not to eat all the furniture in the lobby on your way out, fatty."

I don't want to be skinny, but being obese is also something I don't want to be.

But then it happens.

It is...unavoidable.

When I say I that I am registered as obese by these tests, someone will inevitably say: 

"Yeah, but muscle weighs more than fat."

...

Sigh.  First of all, it is okay that I am not ripped like Ah-nald and I have quite a few extra pounds to go around.

I know they are trying to help, but unless I have way more muscle than any mirror or strength test has ever indicated, I earned the title of "Obese" the old fashioned way: McDonalds.

I AM ON A DIET TO JUST QUALIFY AS OVERWEIGHT...WHAT!?

But it is true.  Muscle does, in fact, weigh more than fat.

Don't ask where they got it from...don't ask where they got it from...don't ask where they got it from...don't ask...

Weight (HIGH FIVE!) a second!

It is a lie!

Five pounds of muscle weighs just as much as five pounds of fat!

...

That is my usual response to people when they say it and by the time my whirlwind logical runaway train parks back at the station they regret they ever talked to me in the first place.

Feel free to say something that is actually a fact, like "muscle is more dense than fat so less muscle can weigh as much as more fat"

Meh.  Not that catchy, after all.

But, according to these charts, I have to lose about 25 pounds just to be fat.  I mean they call it overweight, but I know what they mean.

Inspirational...

In order to qualify as "normal" I would have to lose almost 60 pounds.

Well, that means I have to stop going to the gym, because I gain muscle every time I go!

Look!

THIS POOR GIRL IS GETTING SO FAT! 

So the general consensus is to ditch the scale and stop weighing yourself.  The solution would be to get a tape measure of buy a pair of pants that doesn't fit the way you want and try them on every other week or something.

But this solution still does nothing for the fact that my whole life I have been called obese by doctors and charts and annoying people selling crushed dreams at the Diabetes Awareness Month table next to me last Thursday.

You know what else weighs more than fat?  

Lead.

Maybe that is my problem.  I have to get the lead out (HIGH FIVE!)?

Nah, that can't be it.  

I guess I could rely on how my clothes fit, but I have these wide child-bearin hips, you see.  I was the same size pants in high school as I am now - although back then I weighed 30 pounds less.

Holy hell that is depressing.

Ugh. Thanks, blog.

But really, the next time you feel yourself start to say, "muscle weighs more than fat" just realize that while you are trying to help the person feel better, saying random facts doesn't do that.

You may as well say, "Fat cells exist in all parts of the body except the eyelids, parts of the esophagus, the brain and the penis."

There.  That should make them feel better.

When you say "muscle weighs more than fat" you need to realize this is in no way a compliment.  You are not saying the person is muscular, or is even gaining muscle.  You are not saying they look better or that whatever diet they are on is working.  And, what's more - I notice people saying this to others...who don't even work out?

"Oh you gained two pounds?  Muscle weighs more than fat.  Oh...you've been laying on the couch for 7 years straight?  Still...muscle weighs more than fat...so, ya know, go get 'em, tiger."

So, what do you say to someone who steps on the scale and isn't happy with their weight?

I think I have a few simple responses you could use which don't include "Muscle weighs more than fat, ya know":

Them: Ugh, I gained 3 pounds this month.

You: In 1871, American lawyer Clement Vallandigham was trying to prove that a man had accidentally shot himself, and had not been murdered, when he accidentally shot himself while demonstrating his theory. He died of his wounds, but won the case.

Them: What an amazing story!  I totally forgot about what I was just talking about!

Or maybe you could try:

Them: I can't believe how fat I feel today.

You: When Earth passed through the tail of Halley’s Comet during its 1910 approach, there was public fear that a gas discovered in the tail, cyanogen, would destroy all life on the planet, leading to people buying gas masks and “Anti-Comet Pills.”

Them: Oh my!  What a great fact!  I think I will have a salad for lunch today to celebrate!

Or lastly:

Them: The scale says I have gained 2 pounds!  

You: SHUT.  THE FUCK.  UP!  SERIOUSLY!  KIDS ARE STARVING ALL OVER THE WORLD AND YOU ATE A WHOLE BAG OF DORITOS AS A SNACK THIS AFTERNOON. IT IS TWO GODDAMN POUNDS, DEBBIE.  THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT.  NOW, WE ALL SAW YOU EAT THAT BIG MAC AND LARGE FRIES FOR LUNCH AFTER YOU "JUST HAD YOUR SALAD" SO STOP THOSE THINGS FROM COMING OUT OF YOUR FACE-HOLE AND GO FOR A JOG, YOU COW.

Them: Thank you for being honest!  Here is $50!

See?

It is just that easy.  And you will notice at no point do you have to mention anything about muscle or fat or their comparative mass densities.

You're welcome.

Or, you could always go with what a professional has to say: