Early Morning Greek Mythology and Cement Sinuses 10/30/2014

Well, the way I see it, there are two types of people...

Those that say: "I didn't get any sleep last night" and actually did, but maybe not very much.

And those that say: "I didn't get any sleep last night, and I threw pillows for an hour and then did laundry and read an entire book about Greek Mythology and oh yeah I also washed the dishes"

See this?  It was nothing like this.

I won't leave you in suspense, I am of the latter.

Rewind this crazy VHS of life back to Monday afternoon.  I felt good.  I had just written a killer blog on http://aboredabroad.blogspot.com (BOOKMARK AND SUBSCRIBE NOW!) about something-or-other and I was feeling good at work.

I felt good at work.  I like work.  I even like work when I don't like work, which is not very often because I like work.  Okay, I don't like work at 5 AM when I wake up, but after the groaning and moaning about "screw this place" and "I hope it falls into the sea" and "A pox upon thee" I usually get in and start to like it again.

As the end of the work I like approached I felt an odd heavy sensation - like my energy was being drained.

Like I was still with my ex-girlfriend or something.

Oddly enough, I am Twisted Virgin....

...Goddammit...

No, this was different.  I thought it was from the long weekend.  I tend to go pretty hard because the weeks here are so long.   Maybe I over did it?

At the gym after work I felt worse.  Things got heavier and my breathing wasn't up to its usual Olympic  shitty standards. 

I was getting sick.

Now I don't get sick very often.  All the clean living I do really keeps me disease-free.  That or the amount of alcohol has pickled me to the point that virus' can't sustain a livable condition.

Tomato, To-mah-toe

I go home and get some house work done - the dishes, some folding of laundry that I did back in April and hadn't gotten around to yet, and I downloaded a few movies.

Research, really.

Going to Greece - tonight, actually - has rekindled my childhood obsession with the Greek gods and their mythology.  So to beef up on my knowledge I started reading Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief and downloading such gems as: Clash of the Titans and Hercules starring The Rock.

You know, the good stuff.

I also downloaded the Percy Jackson movies.

That reminds me, I made this for everyone:

THEY WERE TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLOTS! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

So I was getting sick.

I don't get sick often, but when I do it is usually just two days of feeling a bit off and then back at it again.  I assumed this would be one of those instances.

At 1 AM on Tuesday Morning, (Monday night) I was awakened by the sound of a cement truck.

Well, not the truck itself, but the sound of cement hardening.

It has a sound.

It sounds like the pressure in your head will shoot your brains out your ears.

This cement was in my face...

And it had a heartbeat.

So I was jarred awake at this point by the hardening heartbeatboxing cement around 1 AM.  Since I usually wake up at 5, this was no big deal, it was around 2 when I decided to get out of bed anyway. So 3 hours to kill?

Easy.

Read and get a long shower before going to the job.  Grab some meds after work, perfect.

Knock this thing out.

My trip to the pharmacy after work the next day was kind of like asking a caveman if you could use his WiFi because the usual meds I am used to and know work for me just aren't available here.  Nothing against the place, since I rarely get sick I rarely look into these things.

The clerk was trying to work with me, but Alka Seltzer doesn't exist here.  Afrin doesn't exist here. Trying to explain that pills, almost any pills, make me wide awake with brain speed wasn't happening.  I took the recommended box of pills - which were actually very reasonably priced compared to the US - and went on my way.

I popped two before bed.

What could go wrong?

Let's just say this makes way more sense than my dreams did.

I don't know if I slept or not.  I remember being awake but I also have vivid memories of dreams that I can't even comprehend.  Dreams of my trip mixed with work mixed with people mixed with Bahrain life mixed with old friends mixed with dead people mixed with time travel mixed with falling mixed with...I think you get the point.

It was better than any drug I had ever taken.  

A lot cheaper as well.  1.200 BD (about 3 bucks) for a box of these pills?  Oh helllll yeah.

I made it through the night and read almost an entire Greek mythology, (Percy Jackson - it counts, okay?) book, watched a Greek mythology movie and a Greek mythology documentary.  I have no idea why my waking dreams were so weird, all that stuff isn't full of WTF at all.

I also threw all my pillows around, cursed a whole lot, cleaned the counters and took out the trash - and got in to work the next day looking like I had just spent the night taking a bath in LSD.  

It was a solid look for me.

The day came and went, the next night, last night, was a bit better.  I had a glass of whiskey to take the edge off and managed about 4 hours of actual sleep.  I feel like I am kind of in the clouds right now, but a cheap high isn't a bad thing.

After work I will go home to pack and hustle myself to the airport.  I am still getting over the remnants of the Sinus Heartbeat Cement, (name of my next band) and hoping it finishes itself off before I get on a plane tonight.  Overnight I will be at 35,000 feet on my way to Athens.  I am not certain I am going to bring a computer, so I may be gone for a few days, but I can write from my phone if I get wifi.

Look reader, all I can promise is I will try to stay in touch.

Oh love-bunny, don't be like that.  You know you're the only reader for me.

I won't even look at another reader while I am there.  I swear.  Not that you'd ever find out.

What?  No baby!  I didn't mean to say that out loud!  

I mean at all!  I didn't mean to say that at all!

I am so thoughtless.

Look, I am going to Greece.  The land of logic and reason.  The land of history and culture.

Also, the home of aggressive illegal former-wrestler doughnut salespeople...

There were three of them?  That is a crime *ring*.  Sure blew a *hole* in their business!  I bet they *fried* in the electric chair.  Talk about being *glazed and confused*!  I hear people with blackboards in Greece flavor their writings with *Chalk-a-lot*.  

Okay.  I will stop.  But I am not sorry.

Why no one hikes in Bahrain and why the mall is wet 10/28/2014

Why doesn't anyone hike in Bahrain?

This is what you are all asking yourselves, probably daily.

It is worth serious consideration and I have a few theories:

1. Where?

See that mirage that looks like hiking here is a stupid idea?  It is no mirage.

No really.  Where?  The sand sometimes becomes rock so that's cool and all.  But the only way to "experience nature" here is to drive past the camel farm or go to a mall with a pet store.  Yes, the Tree of Life was amazing.  But let's just say that after you see the tree, the desire to have a bit of a stroll around the area is about zero to none.  There are some great sights in this country - Amwaj Island, the Gulf beaches, some great buildings and architecture, but none of these things require North Face Grip Master 4000b Trail Blazer X-Treme's.

Look at the scenery okay all done.

But, even with all of this, there are hills and some crags to hop around on.  There are some camp grounds and trees to climb.  There is enough to see to make hiking something at least a small but loyal population would engage in...so I don't think the sights is the reason why people don't hike in Bahrain.

2. The heat

Now I should actually preface this with the fact that it is cooling off here.  I drove the Deathtrap-Mobile all over last night and had the windows down.  Well, the one that goes down was down.  The reason I was enjoying the night air is twofold: One, it is getting to be nice out at night, and two, the Deathtrap-Mobile has a buzzer that sounds almost constantly now and it drives me insane.  The wind noise helps drown out the madness.

Even so, the cooling off during the night doesn't really promote hiking.  Night hiking in the desert actually makes the natural spectacular views we just talked about less spectacular - if that were possible.  But here is a temperature map of Bahrain, they say it is a "multi-color temperature map of the island of Bahrain"...

Let's have a look:

Well, it is very patriotic.

The fall is quite pleasant so far.  So maybe the heat isn't the reason during the fall and winter. But allow me put it to you this way, during the summer months there is only one look on my face when I go outside...

ಠ_ಠ

Let's take a step back and recap.

Okay, so I have admitted there are actually some pretty stunning views here.

I have acknowledged the temperature during the fall and winter is actually kind of nice here.

SO WHY DOESN'T ANYONE HIKE HERE!!??

I was looking for some hiking shoes for my upcoming trip to Hydra, and I thought I would ask around where to get hiking shoes.  Almost no one had any real idea where to go.  I was shocked.  This is when I first learned about the lack of a hiking population.  But there had to be some trail shoes somewhere!

Ah, I finally asked the right person.  They directed me to the City Centre Mall in Manama. 

You'll know it if you ever see it.  It is the size of a small aircraft carrier and has a goddamn water park in it:

Yes.  That is an indoor yacht.  Just go with it.  The water slides actually go outside and come back in also.  Why?  "Why not?" is a better question...

But this mall has everything - I would surely find the shoes I was had in mind.  It was promised! This shop, which is a very sporty shop indeed, was guaranteed to have the products I was looking for. There was no way their extensive, and probably expensive I knew, selection would disappoint!  This was my gold mine!

Let me just run you through how this went down:

Me:  Excuse me, where are your trail shoes?

Employee: My what?

Me: Trail shoes, like for hiking.

Employee: No hiking here.

Me: Okay.  Do you have durable shoes or boots here?

Employee: Yes sir.

Me: Good!  Can I have a look?

Employee: But no hiking you see.

Me: Yes? I promise not to hike here. Can I see the boots, please?

Employee: You want the ones for walking on the rocks?

Me: Sure.  Wish I had thought of that, but yes.

I get the language barrier and I was genuinely laughing at this point - not at him - at the way conversation often goes here.  I am always so impressed this whole country speaks English at some level, but the communication often gets hilarious.  Back to the story...

So we walk through the store.  The anticipation is building inside me.  Oh man, I see the Northface Display!  IS THIS IT!?  WILL I FINALLY GET MY SHOES!?

Let's listen in:

Employee:  Here they are!

Me: There are 3 pair of shoes here.

Employee: Yes sir.  

Me:  And those are pink.

Employee: Yes sir.  For the women.

Me: Ah.  Two pair left then.  Do either come in a US 12?

Employee: No sir.

Me: You don't want to look to be sure?

Employee: No sir.  I know this.

Me: Really?  How about US 11.5?

Employee:  No sir.  Just the display pair come in 12.

Me: But you said...never mind.  Which pair?

And he pointed to these:

BAHHHH I AM BLIND!

Okay, a little...much...for me and not at all what I was looking for, but he seemed very proud of himself so I picked them up.  They were flimsy and so very blue, but I wanted to at least give them a look over because I worked very hard to get to this point.  These...shoes...were so far from something I would wear they were actually orbiting the Earth.  These blue...shoes...were So Far Away Dire Straits wrote a song about them.

But then I saw the real reason people don't hike in Bahrain.

It isn't the scenery or the beauty of the country.  It is a beautiful place, in certain areas.

It isn't the heat.  There are downright pleasant weather conditions here right now.

It was simple.  The selection of shoes was a little slim, but they did exist.  So what was the real reason?

It actually was inside the shoe itself.  I saw it, kind of glittery out of the corner of my eye as it fell out of the shoe and dangled in front of me.

THESE BLUE TURDS COST 74 BD!  

Okay, okay.  Let's have a time out and let me do some conversions for you...

The conversion from US Dollars to Bahraini Dinars (BD) is 2.6 or thereabouts.

What this means is for every BD, it's *about* 2.6 US Dollars.  10 BD would be *about* 26 US Dollars.

Now it takes a while to get this down.  My trick is to multiply by 3 and then back off a few.

So let me refer you again to the shoes.

THOSE BLUE TURDS COST 74 BD!

That is about $197 US Dollars.

For two.  Blue.  Turds.

They really seal in the moisture.

I would rather slam my fingers in a car door for three minutes while being shot with a fire hose shooting salt while a lime juice rainstorm passed by - all while a cat high on crystal meth was shoved into my shorts than pay $200 USD for those two blue turds.

I would rather be shoved into a microwave with a stomach full of aluminum foil than pay $200 USD for those two blue turds.

I would rather watch Steel Magnolias than be seen in those two blue turds.

So after I un-swallowed my tongue when I saw the price tag, I quietly put them back on the shelf and turned on my heels and retreated into the mall.  The employee happily tucked the tag back into the shoe and didn't ask.  I must not have been the first.  I will likely not be the last.

So if you ever wondered why people don't hike in Bahrain, it isn't the weather or the scenery.  It is the fact that no one who is sane would spend $200 on a pair of sneakers that are just a little less fabulous than Liberace wearing a bright blue leather cat costume in a club called the Blue Man Hole.

Payless, here I come!

Ya know what?  Close enough...

Birthday's, Pulled Chicken Parties, and selling used cars by accident 10/27/2014

Where do I begin, really?

The beginning?

Amateur.

Let me start with yesterday, and then I will go to Friday, hitting Saturday on my way back to Monday.

So the strippers left around 2 or so, but the donkey wrangler couldn't come by until 6.  It was fine because of all the cocaine Javier had left in the dinosaur jar - so staying up wasn't an issue.

Now the thing about swallowing drug condoms is...

Ugh.  Okay, fine.

The truth.

I will start at the beginning I suppose....

This happened on Friday.  For an hour.  For a goddamn hour.

Since it was my birthday on the Friday, I thought I would go and celebrate.  So around 11 in the morning I caught a ride with some friends to the Bahrain Rugby Club to watch some...well...Gaelic Football, actually.

I HAD A BALL GET IT?

A game of dribbles and kicks and bumps and runs - a lot of fun to watch and not fully understand. The weather wasn't being a total jerk and shade was plentiful.  After some pork sandwiches, many beers, and watching our pals play a few games we headed home.

The reason, of course, was that we were going back and the driver wanted to get hammered as well. Which is totally fair and we all got a few restful z's to ensure the ridiculousness would carry on well into the evening.

Let me tell you about the Bahrain Rugby Club - when people are playing on the many fields it is very nice.  Lots of space, no one was wearing neon body paint and running around naked yet, and beers were fairly priced, plentiful and cold.

Then the sun went down.

As did the standards and morality....but in a good way.

Let me give you an example:

Before

After

VIP Seats, yo whaaaaaat whaaaaaaaaat okay fine I sneaked on to the field.

See the difference?

You can see in the second one - if you look closely - I was very drunk when I wandered onto the field to take pictures.

What made the difference?

You want to buy a case of beer from the bar?  We can accommodate that.

Want a pail of white wine?  Go for it.  We will even let you have a marker to draw stuff on your cup. Oh, I mean your arm.  Now your face.  Now your friends face.  Oh this has taken a turn, hasn't it. Give back the marker.  No?  Stop drawing on me.  Please?

You want to pay less than $8 for a beer?  Wrong place, pal.

But to be honest, a lot of these people live in dry GCC countries.  When they have a chance to have a few, they have a lot.  Even the kids were out of control.

I said I wanted a silly straw, you useless bastard!  Silly!  This is a perfectly normal straw!

To be honest, the best part was all the people.  The worst part, if you could call it that, was THE UNBELIEVABLY LARGE AMOUNT OF WHITE PEOPLE OH MY GOD THEY WERE EVERYWHERE.

It isn't that I hate white people, I don't like all kinds of people equally, and being of the pale-as-hell persuasion myself I can't say I am not used to the skin tone.  I like white people.  I even have white friends.  I don't treat them differently.  See how amazing and fair I am?

It was just a mild shock to see all of them at the same place at the same time.

Inside one of the many beer distribution centers where you can have an $8 Amstel Light if you want to wait 20 minutes.

The party was wild, the party was good.  Friends wandered off one by one and I was running out of money so I got a cab home.  I was tired - too tired to argue the fact that it was somehow 8 BD to get there and 12 BD to get home.

Time and space are weird here, like I have mentioned.

The next morning came and I woke up.  

Sometimes that is a surprise to me.

But while the pleasant effects of too much to drink were still running through my brain sack I decided something.  I made an executive call that would change the world as we know it not really but still.

I decided to cook for everyone again.

I KNOW!

After the deep fried success of Taco Tuwednesday I decided to down the ante and make something that didn't involve 4 hours deep frying.

Pulled BBQ Chicken.

Seriously - if you've never cooked anything in your entire life, you are probably over-qualified in the kitchen to make this.  Yes there are a lot of recipes online that call for things like "ingredients" but who has time for that?  

Not me.  

Okay I do but it's a good thing I didn't because I was about to accidentally help sell used cars.

Step 1:  Put chicken in crock pot with some BBQ sauce and cook it.

Step 2: Eat it.

I did have to make the cole slaw by hand, which was way more difficult and involved a total of 6 ingredients.

I AM A GOLDEN GOD OF CHEFDOM.  BASK IN MY DELICIOUSNESS.

I needed a hair cut.  I wanted to wait until right before I left for Greece later this week, but Jaffar made me promise I would call him that day.  He wanted to show me Hamad Town - where he grew up and where he currently lived.  Up I go, get lost and follow the roundabouts of death and drive over freshly sanded roods as is customary when going somewhere in this country, and meet him in what seems to be a parking lot to nothing.

This isn't something I am not used to - being confused about things is kind of a pastime here.  I mean, I did buy the Deathtrap Mobile in an abandoned quarry/cab stand lot in the middle of a city next to a Naval Base.  

I am used to it.

It quickly becomes obvious he is selling some cars, I am used to him being a wheeler and dealer.  

Where did he get them?  I should ask.

"A friend of mine"

Ah yes, the universal answer that also means "stop asking questions."

I take a look at one he is selling - reasonable condition with a reasonable price.

It fell off the back of a truck and that is why I have to sell it before I get arrested.

Apparently when I looked at it, the Bangladeshi gentleman who was actually there to buy it thought whitey was going to buy the car from under him.  I unknowingly assisted in a quick sale, and we celebrated with haircuts*.

*Hair cuts here are not like they are in the United States.  They involve head and face rubs, shoulder tweaking, lower back adjustment and a lot of creams and oils that make me smell like the princess I really am.

I make it home with 3 minutes to spare to my own party and the night goes off without a hitch.  The chicken was devoured, the kids were entertained, the grown ups had conversations.  Another cooking success!  Already decided I will do breakfast night next time.

Oh, I almost forgot...THEY GAVE ME LIQUOR!

SQQQUUUUEEAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

I got a book about Route 66 from a very good friend back home and there is an amazing present from Australia that is working its way here soon as well.  I also got some great homemade cards from the kids down the street who stared at me for an hour on Friday.

All in all I did pretty well for myself - and I am not throwing up here at work, so that is a plus also.

HAPPY BERFDAY MISTER RYAN!

Greecey Food and Cabin Fever 10/21/2014

Well, go ahead and Google Bahrain.

Now go to images.

I'll wait...


...


Okay come back.

Looks great, right?  Lots of sweeping views and palm trees.

C is for Crapload of Money

That isn't a lie, in places this is a very beautiful country.  There are palm trees alllllllll over.  There is history here as well as a push towards the future.  There are beaches and there are parks.  There are malls...seriously walk outside and close your eyes...in Bahrain take two steps in any direction you will end up in a mall.  I don't know how that works with time and space and all, but that's a special travel tip from me to you.

When I go to work, most of my day is working.  I like work.  I came here for work.  Work keeps my brain busy.  I have never been the type of person who can just lay on a beach or just curl up for a few hours with a good book.  I have to be doing something.

Therein lies the problem.

Parks, beaches, views, malls...they are nice but I am not going to be crazy-single-park-bench-guy-who-feeds-pigeons-and-tells-kids-to-get-off-his-lawn.

I can't see myself being the pale-white-beach-guy-who-feeds-pigeons-and-tells-kids-to-get-off-his-sand.

I can't see myself being annoying-healthy-view-guy-who-inhales-deeply-as-he-enjoys-the-sunset-while-feeding-pigeons-and-tells-kids-to-get-off-his-horizon.

There is no way I am going to be early-mall-walker-guy-who-feeds-pigeons-and-tells-kids-to-get-off-his-handicap-accessible-kiosk.

By the way the pigeon-like birds we have here sound like a cow ate a crow and then was stepped on by a giant Whoopie-Cushion.

Back in my day, pigeons used to shine shoes and dance the Charleston for feed.

So Bahrain has forced my hand.  Normally I make grandiose plans to go places and do things, and then I just kind of "Meh" them away and stay at home.  Saves money.  Wouldn't be worth it.  I can wash my hair and dry hump the sofa at home - why pay to do that in a hotel?

I can always rationalize it.

But Bahrain made me follow through.  I hit "submit" and my trip tapped out.  As of yesterday I booked a trip...

...shut up!  It's a big deal for me!

As of yesterday I am going somewhere I have always wanted to go.

And as of yesterday I have officially become vacation planner of the century.

Not only did I book a short trip for the Ashura break, which runs from the workday end on October 30 to the morning of November 4, but this trip is actually a pre-trip trip for my real trip in a few months.  This trip is a pre-trip for my trip coming up, so this trip will not be "the trip" but is a smaller "trip" which is still a trip, though a pre-trip is more accurate form of trip for this trip.

And no, nothing I do isn't complicated.

So by now you are probably clawing at the screen wishing to know all the details.  Shouting in tongues that I must tell you all, perhaps?

No?

Well I am going to tell you anyway.  Try to act excited....

Home of the Murals!  Wait...home of the murals?  What...I mean...Athens is the home of painted plaster?  Nice...

That's right!  I am going to Athens!  Wait...hold on...that doesn't look right.

I'll be right back...

...

There we go.

The picture was bigger but I accropped a lot out...ZING!

That's right!  I am going to Athens!

Over Eid, the 5 day break earlier I learned one important thing about Bahrain.  Much like my hometown, you have to leave.  I do love this country, but over that break I discovered that too much free time WILL MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND AND I BECOME VERY SELF DESTRUCTIVE.

Believe it or not...

So now, when I have more than a long weekend I resolve to take a trip.  There are places like Jordan and Oman I would like to visit.  Lebanon and Hungary are very close.  But when I pulled out my map of Europe, (I Googled it) I started in the North and slowly worked my way down.  That's right map of Europe, you are getting eye-loved right now.  Ooooooo girl, if I was a ship Ireland right on your coast, baby.  There are so Ger-many, many ways I would travel all over you.  Italy a long drive over your Alpen Curves, Ural love every corner.  Look at those boots!  You are a fine representation of a continent, Europe.  But before we get started, let me Greece you up a little...

That's it!

While I was punning over the map of Europe I came across something I always knew was there, but from living in the USA it was always wwaaaayyyyyy over there.  Now it was here!  Greece!  A short 4 hour flight to my childhood obsessions!

I was initially going to visit Crete for 3 nights and 4 days, but I would like to drive and my international license isn't here yet.  So it was time for me to get my thinking cap on and logic and reason the fuck out of this trip.  In December we have a longer break, enough where I can take 10-12 days and go somewhere.  I would just end up sitting at home playing video games for Christmas anyway.  So I thought: "Why not Greece?"

I think amazing stuff like that all the time.

But after doing some research I discovered that the 10 days in December just wasn't enough time to see what I wanted to see.  The islands have long travel times and I didn't want to miss anything.  2 days in Athens, a Day in Delphi, a day on the island of Hydra, 2 days on Santorini, a day on Metora, a day in Thermoplyae, 3 days on Crete and hopefully at least 2-3 days in the North of Greece - add in the travel time and that is just impossible!

Improbable, but not impossible.  

So my new amazing plan is to go to Athens, Delphi, and the island of Hydra over this short break. That will essentially cover 4 days of the 10 days trip in December, which will then allow me to get to Crete for a few days, hit Santorini over night, and do all sorts of fun things I don't even know about yet during the lobger holiday.

You don't have to yell "GENIUS!" like that.  I know.  

Okay, you don't have to yell "MODEST!" like that, either.

I was so satisfied it was like a man-god covered in oils, gold and jewels was giving me a back rub.

Little lower, Zerk.  Lower...lower...lower...TOO LOW! 

...

Lower...

So now I am forced to sit here and wait for this trip, which is only about 9 days.  But I am nonetheless very excited about going.  The first thing people here ask me is: "Who are you going with?"

...

Um, my backpack and some jeans?  I didn't ask anyone to go.  To be honest, I don't think I want anyone to go.  I mean, I like the idea of people.  I really do!

I may say this sometimes.  But I don't always mean it.  Sometimes.

I have no problem traveling alone.  In fact, my last little 3 day stop in the London was a blast and I did that solo.  I met some interesting people - like the girls who decided they were going to show a gay guy what it meant to be straight - and the gay guy who decided he would try to get me to take him back to his place instead of learn from these girls what it meant to be straight.  I met "Corinna but say it like dinner" and had a good walk through the Love Fest there.  The Eastern European bartender who worked at the Monkey Puzzle who was mean to everyone but her boss...weird.  All off the cuff and just...well...fun. 

Just do that in your hotel room.  It's illegal to do that out here and no one wants to step in your DNA.

So off I will go on a whirlwind pre-trip trip adventure.  I will certainly take pictures and meet interesting people and ride busses and speak confused broken tourist-english with people for about a 150 KM radius of Athens.

So, nothing to do now but train for my trip.  I have to be in tip top physical form.  How does one get in shape for Greece?

I will allow a sneak peak into my training regime...

Warm Up: 3 sets of 3.  If you need more heads just cut one off.

Brain Training: One round of strip checkers with a guy wearing a cape

Cadrio: Punch your twin and dislocate your spine

Modesty Training: Thank all your fans in the nude while rotating

And don't forget to Hydra-te!

The word "cold" and the fact I actually used it to describe the weather 10/20/2014

Well, I guess pigs do fly.  Sorry I haven't been posting, and uneventful weekend and a stomach bug had sidelined me a few days.

So, to sum up: after a decently fun but entirely too short weekend I ended up back at work on Sunday with an extremely upset insides and a case of the no-sleeps.

It happens from time to time, where you just aren't sure if you slept or you just flopped there with your eyes closed.  Judging by how I felt it was the former.  Those nights are full of fun thoughts and ideas, the kind that can only happen when you're both sick and tired.

Ideas like:
- If I was a spider, would I even want to live here?  Would I trip over my legs a lot?  Weird.
- Is it possible to solve crimes as a hobby in Bahrain?
- Is that a timing belt squealing from an old car every 20 minutes?
- Oh, it is my air conditioner dying.  Can machines actually die?
- I am so glad they never made an Indiana Jones 4 - that would have been a really terrible idea and would have come close to ruining the franchise...

So I drag myself out of bed and get to work to find out that over the weekend, while I was killing brain cells, my work computer was doing the same...but just replace "brain cells" with "every file I had made over the past 10 years of teaching"

I think this quote by Nicolas Cage adequately sums up what my lappy was thinking:

And Lo, Nicolas Cage has sayeth: "Shoot 'em, blast 'em, nab 'em, grab 'em, shake 'em, bake 'em, cook 'em, clean 'em, hold 'em, broil 'em, kick 'em, nab 'em, twist 'em, ALL GONE BYE BYE!!!!"

I would attach the video, but it is simply too much for some people to handle.

Meh.  Screw it.  The line comes near the very end if you are so inclined to hear what my computer actually was yelling while deleting my files:

Don't look directly at his acting or you may be tempted to throw an Oscar right through the screen...

So after some poking and prodding and a lot of me typing: "YES I TURNED IT OFF AND TURNED IT BACK ON AGAIN" the issue is resolved.  

Good.  Means I don't have to plagiarize any work the following morning and can just pull work I had plagiarized previously.

Whew.

But I sit here typing to you good people with a bit of a worry in my head and in my heart.

It happened last night.

It was around 9:20 PM at night, before I retired to the bedroom to read my teen fiction.  I was inside, both hot and cold because I wasn't feeling well, and I decided it was a good idea to water the spit of grass I sometimes refer to as "lawn."  I step outside, and, as though pulled from inside my body I said the following sentence:

"It is kind of cold out here."

Now ladies and gentleman, perhaps I should have asked you to sit down before typing that.  But odds are the shock of such a statement are simply too much for you to process.  So please, have a seat.

Are you comfortable?

Good.

Now, what I had said was: "It is kind of cold out here."

Once more...

I DON'T KNOW EITHER!

To put this in context, let me list for you the top ten words I say here in Bahrain:

1. Holy

2. Shit

3. It

4. Is

5. So

6. Fucking

7. Ridiculously

8. Hot

9. Here

10. Cumdumpster

Don't ask about #10.

Let me get all numerical on you...

The weather from last night around 9:30 PM. 0% is how much me using the word "cold" made sense.

It was 92 degrees Fahrenheit, (that is about 33.5 degrees Celsius for all you "majority of the civilized world" readers out there).

Now, I remember being at home in Annapolis complaining about the heat when it hit 73 degrees last Spring, (that's 23 degrees C for you "majority of the civilized world"ers).

I don't know what has happened to me!  IT WAS 92 DAMN DEGREES AND I WANTED TO PUT A COAT ON.

Perhaps my transition is complete?  I half expected to look in the mirror last night after this happened and see this face staring back at me:

I actually do own this shirt...

What do I do?  Was it because I wasn't feeling well?

Did I dream this?

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?

My only course of action is to lie to myself and pretend it never happened.  I could seek counseling but when I lay on a couch...but the second people start talking to me I tend to 

So whatever the reason, the lack of sleep, the being sick, the booting of black tar heroin I had just done, it really doesn't matter I guess.  Those words I spoke are now on their way up into the aether, forever spinning around the small island of Bahrain.

While most likely not a sure sign of the apocalypse, it most definitely isn't NOT a sure sign of the apocalypse.

Sorry about all the upcoming apocalypse, everyone.

That's on me.