In Bahrain, things are always about 20 minutes away, much like how in Texas everything is "right down the road."
So what? I will tell you what...
I've been hurt before.
When my Uncle in San Antonio first told me we were going to the store "right down the road" I was foolish enough not to bring rations for the inevitable 6 hour trip to the gas station. Men die out there going "right down the road" in Texas, but you don't hear about that on your news programs. Much like purgatory, they are stuck wandering the Texas desert, hungry and half mad from dehydration. Cursing the fact they believed something was actually "right down the road." Dallas is NOT right down the road from San Antonio. I know they are close on a map, but at 80 milers per hour that is still a 7 week trip.
Alaska? That's right down the road.
If you are going to lie to me, I prefer that you know you are lying. I can tell when people are lying. I am a teacher, that is about 70% of my job description.
You did your homework? Lie.
You had to go to the far bathroom and that's why you took 20 minutes? Lie.
You like my class? Lie.
I am good at this. But here, much like in Texas, the lie is so nefarious and innocent even the person, or GPS unit, doesn't realize they are lying. This lie has wormed its way into the brains of the public. They know that 20 minutes will take 4 hours, but they honestly believe against hope itself this time will be different.
"This time I will get to the store and back in no time. It is only 20 minutes away, what could go wrong?" is said before anyone goes to the store here.
Only several hours later, after they have peeled themselves out of their car and have time with their thoughts comes the crushing realization they've knowingly lied to themselves and believed it. Again. Like a thief in the night the lie escapes through an open window, leaving you to pick up the shattered pieces of your own foolishness for reassembly and use at a later date.
How does this work, you ask?
When you get home from going 20 minutes away, usually between 2 and 7 hours later, you actually convince yourself you knew it was a lie and you immediately forgive the lie.
The lie will be wiped clean.
Erased.
Nice Canadian tuxedo, McFly. It is so bad your family is actually erasing itself from history.
But how can this happen? Even as I write this I am doubting my own convictions. A sneaky lie, indeed. There is no single way this lie does its dirty work. When you use your GPS or Google Maps it will tell you the destination is between 14 and 22 minutes away. There isn't a lot of traffic here. It is just running up the rood. You believe it to be true. A satellite tells me something, I fucking listen.
Satellites know their shit.
How many sensors do you have again? Are you trying to decide if each finger counts as its own sensor? Yeah, I will listen to the machine orbiting Earth, thank you.
We still haven't answered the question. We walk out the front door in Bahrain, curse the heat, (have I mentioned the heat?) and off we go in our little air conditioned coffins for the next 4 hours. I think the main culprit has to be one of the most deadly animals in all the world.
The type of animal that can look so innocent, and yet cause so much pain, death, and destruction.
I am of course talking about: The Roundabout.
Look kids! Big Ben, Parliament.
I have vivid memories of this scene from European Vacation. Poor Clark, he just can't get left! But this was my only experience with this deadly creature we call The Roundabout. I grew up in a town that celebrated the new traffic light, where the shops at the mall were actually closed on Sunday.
As children we heard tell of a nearby town, Taneytown, (pronounced TAWney-town because fuck you, English language) where there was a circle. Many a brave middle school student hopped on their bike only to give up before they got there because you see, Taneytown was right down the road from where I lived. The lie begins.
One day I got the chance to see The Roundabout. What was it? Was there a yellow car trapped there for all eternity? Would I see Big Ben and Paliament? I was about to find out. I will stand here before you and tell you with 100% certainty I expected to find a scene like this:
Looks like traffic going down the drain.
But this was not the case.
This was not the case at all.
This is an aerial photo of this Taneytown The Roundabout I had heard so much about - The Roundabout I grew up in fear of.
This is a recent photo. You can imagine what it looked like 25 years ago. That's right - the fucking same exact way.
This was it? Not only was it not a scene of car carnage, but there were actually no cars there. In fact, the only time I had to yield at this The Roundabout was when a cow decided to cross the road in its bid for freedom.
It was a lie. This The Roundabout was a puppy dog. A sheep in sheep's clothing.
Or was it...
This was a tool for traffic flow. Even the Mythbusters proved, ("proved") the The Roundabout was much more effective than a 4-way stop intersection. There are rules and they are logical ones - you can review them here with this exciting interactive animation on how not to commit vehicular homicide when you enter a The Roundabout: How to drive through a The Roundabout
Look, I truly love this little country and am more than impressed with how they do many things here. If you ever have the chance to visit this place, jump at it - it has a rich and vibrant people and culture. A deservedly proud island nation.
So how can this happen? How can the travel not only confuse humans, but GPS as well? Is it just traffic?
Sometimes there are traffic issues at the The Roundabouts here, but apart from accidents they almost always are steady paced and the wait isn't too long. Traffic isn't where they suck the time away from your 20 minute drive. It comes from the fact that in order to go somewhere 20 minutes away you must drive 20 minutes past it to the next nearest The Roundabout in order to turn around. It doesn't help that as a rule, everything in this country is on the other side of the rood. No matter which direction you approach Manazel, our home-tool store, it is on the other side of where you are.
In fact, the only thing not on the other side of the rood in this country is the chicken, because fuck trying to survive crossing the roods here.
I know about time and space from watching too much TV - and I am at a total loss as to how this is possible. Likely has something to do with Quantum Tunneling.
Here is an example. I mentioned Manazel, so here is Google Maps telling me how to get there:
I live in Squiggleylettertown.
First thing you notice is that son of a bitch is 20 minutes away. I could drive the opposite direction and it would still tell me it is 20 minutes away.
And here is a timeline of a 20 minute drive from my villa to Manazel:
2:15 PM - 20 minutes away
2:18 PM - 17 minutes away
2:22 PM - 13 minutes away
2:23 PM - 12 minutes away
2:26 PM - 9 minutes away
2:27 PM - 8 minutes away
2:30 PM - 5 minutes away
2:33 PM - 2 minutes away
2:35 PM - 4 minutes away
2:44 PM - 2 minutes away
2:49 PM - 2 minutes away
3:10 PM - 2 minutes away
6:25 PM - 1 minute away
6:26 PM - Just kidding, 2 minutes away
6:58 PM - 1 minute away
7:31 PM - 0 minutes away, but it closed at 7:30 PM.
How can this happen? Let us investigate a little more closely...
Somehow it is on the other side of the rood if you are coming from the other direction as well.
Oh, so you just drive past Manazel a little ways and make a left. Go to the first The Rounabout to make a U-Turn...oh but this The Roundabout doesn't let you go all the way around. It has concrete barriers for no obvious reason and people are parked all over in it. Okay, at the next The Roundabout do a 180 which then takes you back to the first The Roundabout that you couldn't go around because of the parked cars all in it and the concrete barriers which were placed there for no obvious reason. After that The Roundabout you can enter the access street and...wait...how the hell is it on the other side of the rood again!?
It is like running a marathon only to have your legs give out on you within sight of the finish line.
Like reading a very long book and finding the last page has been torn out.
It is like watching a movie and having the ending somehow replaced with a shaky and poorly edited home video of your own birth.
Okay I don't know about that last one, but you get the point. I understand things are evolving here in Bahrain, and I don't even mind the fact this driving past things and concrete barriers for no obvious reason thing is a thing at all.
I don't mind that if you are thirsty in Bahrain and want something from your fridge, all you do is walk past the fridge, into the driveway and spin around 3 times, come back in and go around the The Roundabout by the stairs only to see the fridge is now on the other side of the kitchen.
What I do mind is how the lie forces itself into our heads and forces us to believe in it. Even I am sometimes victim of this lie. But not today. I am going to the store and I know it will take a long time. But I mean, not that long. It is just right down the road after all...
How to get back where you started. It is about 20 minutes away.
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